Matt Gaetz’s Big Stupid Victory

Matt Gaetz, we need to talk about Kevin.

It may seem churlish of me to criticize you at the moment of your greatest triumph.

You have achieved what you always set out to do. Which is to say to do nothing. Certainly not your actual job as a member of the House of Representatives which, thanks to you, is now incapable of functioning.

There aren’t many people calling you a hero for that, but surely you are one in secret to the millions of overworked Americans who can only dream of being so dickish to their boss that they whole factory shuts down and everyone gets to go home without missing a cent of pay.

For you, for now, there will be none of those pesky distractions like legislating on behalf of your constituents. With the business of the Speaker-less House now ground to a halt, you are free to do what you really came to Washington to do.

Fundraise.

Although you may have jumped the gun a touch on that one by emailing out a call for donations during the debate that resulted in the removal of Kevin McCarthy from the speaker’s chair. A more scrupulous man — which is to say, practically anyone — would have waited at least until the axe fell.

Still, fair’s fair, you did it.

If you couldn’t shut down the government then, by God, you’d at least shut down one branch of it.

Your Machiavellian plan worked perfectly, provided you ignore the utter stupidity of it.

Normally (and I say that in the full knowledge that the GOP passed ‘normal’ in 2016) when a politician brings down a leader like a wounded gazelle, it’s usually in a bid to replace them.

But that seems like it would involve a lot of work. Say what you will about Kevin McCarthy, he certainly worked hard as speaker, if only when it came to keeping his job.

You not only have no plans to run for the speakership yourself but seem completely uninterested in who does. Or whether anybody does, for that matter. You’ve neither nominated or negotiated with anyone who might step up to the plate lest the chaos, the paralysis or, most importantly, the fundraising, ends.

In the meantime, the move will not gain you any love in Washington, even if there were any to be had. You are loathed by every member of Congress, even — perhaps especially — your fellow Republicans. You are easily the most hated member of that body. No mean feat considering it includes Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Again, this matters not a jot to you. You thrive on hatred. I am not a psychologist, but I would suggest to anyone is that you are a case study ripe for study, beginning with the thesis question, “Is there a particular type of psychopathic brain that interprets feelings of deepest revulsion as love? Discuss.”

I spare no tears for Kevin McCarthy, though. He deserves none.

He lost entitlement to any shred of sympathy when he made the Faustian bargain in which he handed you the means of his own destruction in exchange for being Speaker, if only for a little while.

He knew full well that it would come to this. He is too craven to deserve a second chance. Deep down, he knows this too.

The consequences for McCarthy have come to pass. For you, there will be none.

Something we see you are fully aware of from the perpetually smug look on your face.

Not for shutting down the business of the body charged with carrying out the will of the people, not for your alleged ethics violations in relation to fundraising, perhaps not even if more evidence comes to light in relation to the sex trafficking allegations.

You know few measures available to remove a politician so abjectly unfit to serve — impeachment, ejection — are set at such a ludicrously high bar that is impossible to reach in such a divided house.

Donald Trump, Bob Menendez, and George Santos have proven that.

The only real tool left available by the founding fathers to removing the incompetent and corrupt is for them to resign out in shame. And you have none.

Now freed from the shackles of your day job, you can now go back to the one you are surprisingly good at, grifting Florida’s most gullible rubes for all they are worth.

On the way out the door, of course, you will preen and posture and assure them you are doing it for them, to protect them because — to use the MAGA mantra — America is heading in the wrong direction.

As the man in the driver’s seat, you would know.