I Blame TikTok

I, like so many other twenty somethings, have fallen victim to the clock app. Doom scrolling for hours a day just to feel something, joining the Eddie cult, and saving an unmentionable amount of posts that would likely alarm my therapist with or without context. It didn't take long for the algorithm to start putting neurodivergent content on my for you page.

At first I didn't think anything of it. No need to jump to conclusions over a "Put a finger down" video that overgeneralizes symptoms. Everyone knows that relatable accounts get more interactions. Still, video after video I watched on the neurospicy side of TikTok started me thinking about how I operate in the world. The ever-growing pile of clothes on my floor, my sink full of dishes, my mess of an office, my supervisor at work always asking me why certain tasks aren't getting done. I've always been a little disorganized, forgetful, bad at completing tasks. It never really affected my life. Until now.

Being an Early Interventionist has been the hardest job I've ever done. As rewarding as it is to help these families, the paperwork and file upkeep makes me want to rip my hair out. My schedule is a mess. My office is a mess. I forget to complete things. My supervisor is always on me. "Make a to-do list, put it on your virtual calendar, send yourself a text reminder, etc". I've tried all of these things. I have half filled planners collecting dust on my desk, a dry erase board sitting in the corner that was suppose to help me keep up with my visit frequency, half completed to-do lists littering the floor, virtual reminders that go unchecked. Nothing works for more than a week or two.

I cry myself to sleep. I have panic attacks. I beat myself up over how incompetent I am. I ask myself why everything seems to be so hard for me. Everyone else can do this. Why can't I do this? If I focus on anything too much my world falls apart. I'm not able to take care of myself. I have no motivation to do my job. Even the pay isn't enough of a motivator. All the videos say that it's a lack of dopamine that hinders my productivity. If it's not entertaining enough to keep my interest it won't get done.

For years I thought I had depression. I would skip classes in college to stay in bed, go days or weeks without showering or doing my hair or doing my laundry. I practically begged for a diagnosis and insisted I be given antidepressants. They worked for a few months then I began to slip again.

To top it off I've ghosted my therapist because I'm not sure I want to know. I'm not sure I want to go through another grieving process for my lost potential. I'm not sure I want to rewire my brain with another medication just so I can function like everyone else. I'm burnt out and more heartbroken than ever. So I just keep scrolling. I keep scrolling until I find something that cheers me up for a few seconds. Until I find a sound that plays in mind head all day (Chrissy Wake Up) instead of the mile long list of things I haven't done. I scroll instead of folding my laundry. I scroll instead of texting my friends back. I scroll instead of calling my mom. I scroll instead of doing any of the hobbies that used to bring me joy. I scroll instead of completing any of my work responsibilities.

I could blame being born a woman. I could blame society for shaming me into masking my symptoms. Mostly I blame TikTok for making me aware of all the ways that I'm not neurotypical.