A New Beginning

I was very skeptical about the future coming to the end of 2020, I had experienced such gradual mental hardships in the past year then I had ever in my life. It doesn’t help that the world has been conquered by COVID-19 fears and allegations about the sickness. You can’t help but wonder sometimes if it’s the end of the world or when is it all going to be over. I had hoped that the New Year coming meant things were going to change that my mental health was going to change. However, after reading so much about my mental illness and trying to be as positive as I could be, it just didn’t seem that anything was going to change. I had never in my life wanted it to all end then I did in 2020 and I’m not sure if 2021 is going to be better. In order for me to continue to be as healthy and prospering as possible. I’ve realized that it’s important to stick to being grateful for anything that has to come in 2021 but I know after encountering doctors and my family. I’ve considered that it is important for me to realize that bettering yourself as a person is what really is going to count despite the fact that I have Schizophrenia. I have to become more mindful, disciplined, and creative with what I spend my time on. The first task I want to conquer is my health, I started fasting to clear my mind and body from toxins that have entered my system and has taken over my overall physical and mental health. It’s been hard, sometimes I felt so tired and hungry that I couldn’t get up in the morning, but I’m forced too because some of the dreams I have are about my delusions I had on the beginning of my newly found diagnosis. It is always about me being this chosen one and having to save people from the world. Or sometimes they get so jealous they try to kill me but can’t because I have special abilities to keep them from hurting me. I can’t shake these dream’s; they enter my mind over and over again. I start to think that it might be reality sometimes for me, maybe I am this special person that people are trying to destroy. Then I talk it out with myself and humble myself all over again. It isn’t an easy task and most of the time I feel like I’m being punished. Yet, I’ve decided to take this into accountability and not only work on my physical health but my mental coming into this new year. I know it’s going to be a challenge and sometimes I will fail but other times I believe I can triumph. As long as I believe I am smart enough to conquer these delusions and voices I hear during the day I can help others. My ultimate goal is to become so wrapped up in understanding myself that I can understand and relate to others with the same diagnosis. I hope, for that is what makes me want to get up in the morning and continue this health binge, too become so intelligent in the dynamics of Schizophrenia. That I enter a new world of gratification and a new reality that sets aside the hardships and gives others hope that you can become someone great in the midst of the challenge of mental health. I know I have to take baby steps to get there and the first step is to become involved in a program called Students with Psychosis online. I have really come to admire the founders of this organization and realize that it is my ultimate desire to interact with others that have the same unique obstacle being faced.