I Am Aromantic

It took a long while for me to come to terms with being asexual and aromantic. I had thought that maybe I was a late bloomer. As stupid as that really sounds.

Once I was older that the feelings would happen for me. They never really did. Never really will either. And now that I know what it means I’m perfectly fine with that. But when I was younger everyone else, I went to school with had crushes. They were attracted to someone in our grade. Yet I hadn’t. I hadn’t and that somehow sparked the rumor that I was a lesbian. Which really didn’t help me in the long run and made my life Hell.

Being queer in the Midwest in the 2000’s and 90’s wasn’t great. Still isn’t if I’m being honest.

I got into my teen years without any real crushes happening. Some admiration and wanting to be loved by someone. Sure. But actual crushes? No. Girl or boy, I felt nothing for anyone else. A few times I had ‘feelings’ for someone but they weren’t necessarily romantic. Just admiration for someone else that I knew. At any rate I had a few internet relationships that didn’t go anywhere.

Or rather weren’t all that great thanks to me forcing things that weren’t there.

The people that I was with didn’t deserve my lack of feelings. And hope they have been having a better time since our ‘relationship’ fell apart. More than others.

After one particularly bad break up I stopped trying to date. Stopped trying to force myself to ‘love’ someone when I couldn’t feel more than platonic love for them. Then I started focusing on myself and it took a while to find out about my sexuality. Asexuality was the first part that I figured out from a meme. I think it was a meme. Speaking about lack of sexual attraction towards anyone and I really related with it.

At first, I tried to deny that it wasn’t anything other than a fluke. That really hadn’t meant anything at all. Then I slowly realized that it really was my sexuality and it scared me at first. And despite how much people treated asexuals online or offline it didn’t matter. That this was me and that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

But it didn’t really explain why I didn’t have any crushes. I started looking up reasons as to why that was.

It was a couple of months later that I found out about aromantic. People were debating if it was real or not on Tumblr. And in all honesty, it really seemed to be more like me too. It made my whole relationship experience more understandable.

It took a lot less time for me to understand that I’m aromantic as well as asexual.

There was finally something that explained why I didn’t really want romance. Why I couldn’t experience crushes like kids my own age. And it really made me feel like a whole person instead of like I was missing something. Or that I was really broken up inside.

Even though people seem to believe you are if you are this.

I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t heartless and emotionless. I was just aroace. And ever since then I have felt entirely like myself. I got a few T-shirts and other things to represent the person that I am. And there’s a whole community of people who have felt exactly the way that I have. Other trans people who have had these feelings and its great.

I really hope that I can continue to feel like I belong. And that I can help someone else feel less lonely or broken. That they matter too.

And always will.