Coming Out

I am going to tell my journey on how I got to where I am now and focus on what is next.

I was a late bloomer. I came out later in life. I always thought I was somehow different from other people. I liked both girls and guys' bodies. I loved the Backstreet Boys. I remember one time I went camping with my best guy friend and I got injured. I stayed at his cousin's cabin while they went fishing at night. We talked and listened to Backstreet Boys. I was the safe guy. We were in the cabin alone for a long time. I had crushes on girls mostly growing up. The difference is that I would always become friends with the girls. I had a hard time forming friendships with guys.

I have had sex with a guy. We did it probably 5 times. I have never had sex with a woman. I have done something with a woman but not sex. If i had to choose I would say I liked the guy more maybe because we did more. Did I enjoy both? The answer to that would be not really. That answer will become clear later. I am kind of afraid of the vagina.

The one thing I wish was different is that I would have figured out who I was earlier. One I think my depression throughout High School would have been way better. The second thing is that by the time I came out both my parents were no longer living. My Dad might have understood. He was older. My mom on the other hand would have definitely understood and apparently did. When I came out the rest of the family said we knew and that my mom knew. That is the one thing I wish I could have talked to her about. I am not sure how my life would have been different if I had come out when I was younger. I do think it would have been harder in some ways and maybe easier in some ways.

When I was in college it was the same. I would become just friends with the girls and stayed away from the guys. The one expectation was my roommate my last semester of college. He was cool. We would stay up and talk at night. We would also do things outside of our room. I went through my 20’s single and not knowing who I was. I finally came out in my 30’s. At the time I came out there was someone living in the house that did not like it and threatened violence several times. They also were verbally abusive. They are no longer in the picture.

At first, I came out as Gay but quickly realized that was not right. Then I thought maybe I am Bi. After a year that did not feel right either. Then I was watching YouTube. Let me stop right here and give a shoutout to YouTube. YouTube played a major part in my coming out journey. Specifically the lesbian channels. They got me to come out and they helped me finally figure out what label fits me best.

That label is Asexual and Aromantic. Asexual means little to no sexual feelings for a person. That does not mean that you will not masturbate or have sex. Sometimes they have sex to make their partner happy. There is a spectrum to Asexuals. Some are repulsed by sex, some are neutral, and some will have sex. Aromantics have little or no romantic feelings towards a person.

Having both means that if I ever find someone it will basically be a companionship. A companion that I may or may not have sex with. This makes it really hard to find someone. Every time I think I am ready to start searching, something stops me. I am not sure if I am not ready or if I do not think I will ever find someone. Maybe I really am not ready. Some days I do wish I had someone.

I think being both is holding me back some. I can see someone handling no sex if i was romantic or if it was the other way around. Having both would be difficult especially because my Aromantic goes beyond that. I basically have no feelings at all. The ones I do have are screwy. I have displayed anger and frustration. I get sad at weird things. I have little empathy. I know I sound like a Psychotic person. Who knows maybe a part of me is.

That brings up the Question am I better off alone? Sometimes I think I am.

That is my coming out Journey and where I am heading in the future. I hope this may help someone come out especially if you are Aromantic or Asexual.