Sertraline

Sertraline

A bandaid of the mind

Built only to hide what still remains

It's a death mask for the still living

Who couldn't find pure joy fun at all.

It's a little rub on the head for somebody touch starved,

For all of us who felt a warm embrace once and now find our hearts carved

All these things that happened so far away,

Why do I remember the bad ones like they were today?

Focusing hard on a static screen where I try to gain a glimpse of my memories,

Before long dissociation makes a catatonic of me.

I look back on all the little things and what they could mean,

The good, the bad and indifferent alike I overthink,

Those times you said something nice, was it part of your agenda?

And when you denigrated me later, was that the end of pretending?

I remember when we'd fall asleep embracing and awake intertwine,

It was warm and safe there and for a time all the bad feelings would subside.

If I knew you would get so toxic on this trip I'd have brought iodine,

We're sleeping in the same bed and I've never felt more distant, where there was once warmth, it's so cold now and I don't know and I fear I know what comes next.

I tried all I could to feel something, I really did.

All I felt was played, a fool, sad and real pissed.

I had to try something new and along came sertraline,

It muted the volume, but I still heard the scream.

I tapered off over time and from the meds I'm now sober,

So damnit I'll feel every colour, every note of each song,

I'll struggle and fight to get all that I want,

And if at that point joy doesn't switch back on,

Then at least I'll know I've tried everything before I choose which wall to paint my brains over.