Dad or Donor

I ran into a status where you spoke to the world on how awesome it is to be a father ...
and how you don't have to be perfect
but just keep showing up...
but where were you for me
did this precious sentiment
only extended to the children
you hand selected as worthy ...

a few memories remain of you coming to bare gifts I think we connected for 3 birthdays of my 32 years of life ...
the gifts were a kind gesture,
showed you didn't know me very well
the prettiest golden necklace
I think around my 16th birthday
crying unto my grandmother's arms
how come he didn't know I was allergic to gold
all I wanted was you
to make up for the minutes ,days , weeks and years ...
I cried myself to sleep wondering
how was I born 1st but your not Here with me !

what do the step children have that I don't
why doesnt he love me
you missed my milestones
you didnt teach me about boys
no example of what a good man looks like
you created a fear in me
that I would always be abandoned


Dad or Donor
did you think of me on your holidays
during your elaborate family trips

when your other daughters slipped and fell and scraped their knees did you wonder had I fallen too

or was it easier to move forward with a shiny new wife and her kids and create and whole new world where I didn't exist
I heard they didn't have a good father
how noble of you to Play super daddy,
but Donar for me
do you realize what that does to child ?

the older I get I feel bad for you
you missed out on such an amazing person that I am today
we've had a few times to talk but never a real conversation never did you truly understand my emotions

in one ear and out the other
much like talking to a brick wall
that holds no accountability
that rather shift blame on someone else

soldier in the army but you didn't fight for me not once

maybe you did and maybe all this time it's been a plot twist

but after 18 years I'm no longer a child so how is there still so much distance

I see that you are grandfather now
did you know that I have kids too
three beautiful girls
I know you've seen pictures on social media

we had an encounter, or two and they were small fresh from the cocoon
you remembered just about the first or second birthdays of their 13 ,11, and 5 years on this Earth

but do you know they
don't know you
when I mention your name
when I show them a picture I have to re-explain

that you are not my donor but you are my dad

he helped me twice in my adult years when my world was crumbling

it felt so good to finally run to the arms of my dad to finally to help me be there for me pick me up Show Me Love

only to find out the intent somehow was just to benefit you or the intent was somehow just to say you did something for me

the arms were not welcome
I felt so out of place still
I did not fit in the picture that you had created
I rather sat in poverty , than to beg for your help and support

when I think of you I feel bad
I'll talk to God and I wonder how was your dad
did you have a dad or donor

is that why you didn't give me the best example cuz you didn't know what to do the first time around
the first kid that you brought into this world

but once the other girls came around
you were kind
you had it all together
and you knew what to do
ready to bring two new babies until this world
half brothers that I hardly knew

could you not get along with my mother
well enough
just so that you can be there for me

do you know how it feels when your precious jewel is taken from you

and don't even have your father to cry too
to say Daddy did to me look what this boy took from me,
look what this man did to me
or once a spark ignites and I want say
Daddy I met the most beautiful girl today and I can't explain the sensations I feel!

simply I just wanted
your attention
your support
to hear I did a good job
from your lips
I lingered for shit like this

sometimes I think the day that
your called into the afterlife will I even mourn
for my grieving begin with my tears staining the pillowcase in my younger years
cuz growing up without you
already felt like you so far away in the heavens

or will the floodgates open and all the time we missed all the things we could have done all the things we could have accomplished
go racing through my mind and I will forever wonder why

why not me
Dad or Donor
when will it ever be me