No One Told Me Pet Loss Would Feel Like This

I lost one of my dogs, Misa, in November of 2019, but I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. She’s buried in the backyard, and whenever I go back there, I feel like I’m visiting her. Misa was an older dog, and she was blind, but her passing still came as a surprise. I remember how weak she was the morning that she passed, but I didn’t think it was time for her to go. About an hour before I went to work, I tried to give my dogs a treat, and while her sister was excited, she didn’t come running like she normally did.

Misa remained on her Pokémon blanket, unmoving with her eyes open. I thought maybe she wasn’t hungry, but when I checked on her, it was clear that she was gone. I burst into tears as I wondered what I should do. My min pins weren’t the first pets I’d owned, but they were the first pets I’d had as an adult. They were the only dogs that had belonged solely to me and not my family.

I didn’t have the luxury of a job that would allow me the day off, so I had to go in anyway. I was blessed in the sense that I wasn’t forced to run a register that day, but there wasn’t a second of that day where my face wasn’t covered in tears. I wasn’t close to any of my coworkers, so only one of them came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t tell him. I thought it would upset me too much to talk about it.

When I finally got home, it was clear my dog wasn’t there anymore. She was blind, so she hadn’t been coming up to greet me, but the room felt strangely empty. Her Minnie Mouse toy was still in her bed. I guess it’s her sister’s toy now, but it doesn’t feel like it. In fact, her sister doesn’t seem to be interested in the toy. Whenever I see it, it brings a tear to my eyes (even now).

In the weeks that followed, her sister kept dividing her food in half, saving some for her Misa. Seeing the half empty bowl broke my heart all over again. I couldn’t bare to move Misa’s collars and harnesses, so they stayed in their place for about three months. Seeing things Misa loved, like her toys and blankets, without seeing her using them physically hurt.

I also felt an enormous amount of guilt over Misa’s passing. Had I spent enough time with her? Could I have done anything to help her? Was it somehow my fault that she passed? I blamed myself for not making enough money to bring her to the best vets. I also wondered if she knew how much I loved her. I hope she did.

I suffered a second loss in mid-2020. My sister had a dog, Stella, but I treated her as if she were my own. I would even buy her an egg for breakfast whenever I went to the local bagel shop. I loved spoiling her, but one day she didn’t want any food. That was unusual for her, because she loved food. She started throwing up and she wanted to be alone, so we brought her to the vet. We didn’t think we would lose her, and the vet seemed optimistic.

I remember her coming up to me before we left her for overnight treatment. I think she was saying goodbye, but I didn’t want to admit it. I still thought she was going to be fine, so I went to work the next day. I expected her to go home that day, but she didn’t. I got a text message that morning telling me that she didn’t make it. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I’d lost a family member, and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

It hurt even more when that long workday was finally over, and I got to go home. She wasn’t there to greet me at the door, as she always was. I was silent as I brought my remaining dog out, and I couldn’t bare to be in the living room that day. I mostly stayed in bed and cuddled with my dog. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt to pass Stella’s bowl and see it full of food that she would never eat. If possible, it hurt even more when the bowl was empty. One day, her stuff was packed up and I became aware of how empty the room was without Stella.

Everything seemed to trigger a memory. We couldn’t eat from the bagel shop anymore because we all agreed that it was Stella’s place. Even now, I can’t drink (cold) coffee in the living room, because she used to cuddle with me when I drank it. There isn’t a day that goes by where the dogs don’t cross my mind at least once. Sometimes, it’s the smallest thing that brings them to the forefront of my mind, like finding a forgotten toy.

Now, I panic whenever my remaining dog is ill. I check on her during the night to make sure that she’s still breathing. I take pictures of her every day, because I don’t feel that I did that enough with Misa. I feel a need to keep my dog safe and protect her. I want her to live as long as I will, but I know that’s not possible and one day I will lose her as well. I think I’m going to take losing her harder than I’ve ever taken anything before. My dogs have helped me get through so many difficult times in my life, and it hurts everyday that I no longer have two of them with me.