In LOVing Memory

For a long time I forgot about her. I forgot the lessons, the mistakes, the friendships and the heartbreaks we faced. I remember her now more than ever. Now, with all the isolation and extra time for thought, she comes knocking at my door asking to retake some conversations. Conversations we were supposed to have this whole time.

Too much has happened, so where do I begin? Last time we talked we were so different, do we still speak the same language? Do you still dream about a life in the world, flying here to there and meeting people from there and everywhere? I wish I had you here so we could go over everything. Every last detail of the past ten, twelve, seventeen—how many years? Man, we’ve shared a life together but I can’t remember our last real talk.

When did I stop asking, calling, talking to you? I’ve just been so busy trying to make a life, and distracted by dreams—new dreams, you would be so proud! You would be incredibly confused, but I bet that if you heard of all the people I’ve met and made relationships with you would be so shocked, yet pleasantly confused. I’m sure you’d be laughing at where I am today—living with my sister and her boyfriend—oh and I now live with a dog named Rambo. Yes, you love this dogs now!

I know, I know, I’m in my early twenties and you would think that I’d have it all figured out. I always said that by now I would probably be in a long-term relationship, living in my own place (aka no roommates) and I would have a kitty cat or a plant. Well, the plant part is true, I have two; Petra and Cora, two beautiful succulents, they’re so beautiful and precious.

Right now there is this pandemic, a global pandemic which has us locked in, in quarantine. It’s a very serious situation and it has completely altered my life. I swear, I did have a plan, but now I’m like on stand-by. We are sheltering in place and for the first time in the longest time I’m reading! You will definitely call me on this BS, but it’s true! It’s been only about two months and I already read four books! Lengthy books too, you would be so proud. Or maybe you wouldn’t recognize me.

Anyway, we have some ridiculous memories. You’ll be surprised to find out what kind of thoughts I cling on to after certain years, and which memories creep in to remind me of moments I can’t quite distinguish from a memory or a dream. You know how my dreams are, way too vivid, way too often. And this life can be easily confused by a surreal dream.

I remember the earliest moments, those I try to pull out of my chamber of memories. It’s the memories during puberty that I have to force myself to remember and recall my feelings. I don’t know what you’re thinking right now about this, but being a teenager is fucking hard. I had a great time, and those friends I will turn out to be your greatest teachers. I’m not saying any more than this because I want you to see it for yourself, you have no idea how many plot twists were create on your own. I'm finally living a truly crazy life, that at times may seem dull and mundane, but trust me it’s bizarre compared to the people around you.

I keep thinking of the problems I used to have, the worries and priorities. It’s so funny to look back and remember how my perspective has evolved. Oh boy, sometimes I think I might be disappointing you with some of the decisions I’ve made, but I think you’re in for quite a ride. You’ll have fun, you will drink, watch the sunrise from the outside of clubs, you’ll travel—oh how you will travel, and you will learn so much. You will open your eyes and notice aspects of life you haven’t even considered yet. It’s beautiful. You are in for a beautiful ride.

The craziest part? You will forgive so many people, you will learn how to, so don’t worry—don’t rush it. It’s part of the beauty when you realize how capable you are to open your heart, open it, break it, rebuild it and repeat. It’s hard, but you will have plenty of practice. I will say one thing—you thought you were special? Well you have no idea how special. It’ll throw you back a little when you realize how uniquely your point of view evolves. Don’t let this go to your head.

You have a gift, I’m still working out how to describe it so I can’t translate it yet. We won’t know exactly what this is any time soon, but I’m working on it.

You’ll hurt people, and you’ll get hurt just as bad. You will make mistakes, and this will help you understand that other people also make mistakes and it will affect you in the best way. Keep following your gut, god knows how far that’s taken us.

The family will go through so much. So much pain, and hurt and love. You think you love them now? Well, get ready to cry your little eyes out over and over a few more times, because your tears are so vulnerable to them. We both know our weaknesses, family being the most fragile.

Over all, I just wanted to say that I’m okay—we’re okay. It’s a little hard somedays when life seems so ambiguous and the path isn’t entirely clear. It’ll be hard a few times, when life throws punches I got to learn how to duck and swing back. I’m still training. We’ll get it eventually. In the mean time I am working on honoring our passions, I am actively trying to find ways to nurture our style, values, and I’m taking care of us—all of us. I keep us in mind, always, reminding myself that it has always worked out and it always will. As dark as it may get sometimes, I will carry on and keep moving forward.

I am so proud of all that we have accomplished so far, I am happy to look back at our memories. I realize how lucky we are, and I have faith that we have a very, very bright future. I know it. I know it because that’s what we’ve been striving for this whole time, it’s the point of everything we’re doing. All the decisions taken, all the mistakes, and all the ups and downs are there for good reason—and will keep coming, so I’m preparing myself for what’s to come.

I miss you dearly, and I wish I could wear your shoes again, go to elementary school and high school an preschool all over again, I long for those sunny days during recess where 30 minutes felt like the perfect amount of time to fill with nonsense fun. I have so many good memories to fall back on, and I am grateful for this time to reflect and chronically relive those days, the many days we carry on to this day. We’ve done some crazy shit, but all we’ve done it with a pure, good heart. Keep doing that, it is so rewarding when you let yourself be honest, humble and organic.

I carry your spirit everyday and I will never forget what all this is for. We come from a family of fighters, artists and honesty. We are flawed, but we are so privileged. Not just because of the family’s

, but because you have such a unique life full of family, languages, curiosity, and we have a crazy drive for adventure. We are privileged to suffer from distant relationships, heartbreak, miscommunication, generation gaps and unrealistic visions of the world. All things you will conquer in no time.

I miss you, I miss our dreams and expectations. We had some delicious laughs, and some amazing adventures. We have come so far it makes me nervous—like I will fuck it up at some point, but then I remember that we’ve fucked up a few times already and the world carried on. Rolling with the punches and learning how to fight, that’s what it’s about.

I hope I’m making you proud, I love looking back at our memories and remembering how crazy life gets. I talk like I’m some old wise future self—but, it’s just 23 year old me talking. I’ll check back in 2040 and see how much we’ve evolved, hopefully I’ll have wiser things to say. But, for now, I just wanted you to know that I remember—everything—and I’m so proud of us. I wouldn’t want to trade this life with anyone. Not even a Kardashian (yes, you will eventually get into watching that show, sorry).

Until next time my dear younger self, keep those feet dancing—you have no idea how much you’ll miss it.