Dear Luke

Dear Luke,

During my first weeks here at the architecture firm, you asked me if I had any further dreams or aspirations. I kind of brushed off the question, claiming that zoo design was always the goal. But I’d like to answer you truthfully, now.

I grew up in a family that had a lot and suddenly lost it when I was young. My older brother moved out when I was entering middle school, and I was left alone to mediate my parents’ fights and nurse my father’s financial woes. For most of my life, my parents’ income was below the poverty line.

In high school, I struggled through a hard fought battle with depression, anxiety, self-harm, and disordered eating. I wasn’t thinking about having a future beyond the next week. Often, our family dog was the only reason I stayed alive - because I knew she depended on me to come home after school and let her outside. I was silent about this for years, finally giving in and speaking out once it became too dangerous and far too much to bear alone. I began the road to overcoming that with support from my parents who could put aside their quarrels when I needed them.

I got great grades; I pushed myself in both my academics and my passions. I wanted to pursue art, and they encouraged me. There was no ‘starving artist’ narrative in our household. I applied to five schools and got accepted to them all. I chose my college because of the $110,000 scholarship I received - a little over half of the tuition. I didn’t know how I would pay the rest, but I didn’t let it stop me.

At college I got a 3.9 grade average, same as high school… except now I was working two jobs on campus, double majoring, and minoring. Art school in Wisconsin itself was a huge risk: my desperate leap to escape the life laid out for me back in Texas. And from there, for some reason, I kept jumping. I worked diligently and unabashedly to push all my projects into the world of zoo design and sustainability. Every single new professor that I had - as my friends can attest - doubted me. I had to break them in and prove to them that I wasn’t stupid or blindly overachieving.

When it came time for our senior project - I convinced them to let me combine my illustration and architecture majors into a joint thesis. It was still twice the work. And I was dead set on finally getting a taste of zoo design for real. I threw my last egg into that basket, plowing full force into a thesis project that was scaled beyond the realm of anyone's expectation.

And then that beautiful email from your firm appeared. I cried when I called my parents. This enormous weight was gone. It had all been worth it and so much more in the end. All of those risks, pushing past the obstacles and anxieties, had led me to the destination I’d secretly been breathing for.

So I jumped again, and landed at a new apartment in Kansas two days before starting work. All at once. All in.

So when you ask me if I have other dreams beyond this one - I ask that you give me time to sleep and find out. Going from not expecting to live another day in high school to chasing dream after dream into the present is a lot to grapple with.

I used to think about how I would instantly give my life in place of any other, no matter the person because I thought so lowly of myself and my place in the universe. As I was walking home yesterday, I thought about it again and was warmed to find that I no longer feel that way. My job has given me a sense of purpose - a chance to finally act on the desire I’ve always had to make some sort of change and impact on the world. I’m doing something with my life, I’m amounting to someone that I could be proud of.

Zoo design is the unbelievable pinnacle of dreams that I still fear I am going to wake up from. The rug has been pulled from my feet many times in my life; I won’t let this be one of them.

Sincerely bared,

Jenna