You Might Be A Half-Orc

Since the Dungeons & Dragons game says some Half-Orcs can pass for human and with recessive genetic traits working the way they do, it occurred to me that some people may not know they have Orcish blood. So I'm thinking given the Orcish tendencies toward violence, barbarism, and cannibalism, there may be telltale signs, nothing certain, but if some of these are true for you, you might be a Half-Orc...

If your idea of a hot date includes burning down a small town.

If you think driving is a contact sport.

If you settled your parking tickets by laying siege to a police station.

If you paid your rent and child support by raising a horde and invading another country.

If you think “Saving Private Ryan”, “Titanic”, and “Ishtar” were absolutely HILARIOUS!

If you got your girlfriend's phone number after hitting her with a baseball bat.

If you had a barbeque and a neighbour you don't like was on the menu.

If you know people don't really taste like chicken.

If the road-kill you're cooking used to be an accountant.

If your favourite food is Chinese...

...people.

If you go bowling and your ball is a severed head.

If you can't go to the bar with your friends because the police have your house surrounded.

If your pool cleaner refuses to come back to your house because the pet worg in the yard attacked him.

If your gardener quit because he fell into a pit full of wooden spikes while mowing the lawn.

If you smell bacon when you get a sunburn.

If you tried to golf with a battle-axe.

If you use a slain enemy’s scalp instead of a Kleenex.

If you wonder if chicken tastes like humans.

If you ever cut your grass and found a corpse.

If you own a home that is mobile and five chariots that aren't.

If you think the stock market has a moat around it.

If you own more than three shirts made of human skin.

If you've ever painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass with blood.

If chiggers are included on your list of top free snacks.

If you burn your yard rather than mow it.

If your wife has ever said, "Come move this corpse so I can take a bath."

If your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one on death row.

If your grandmother has never been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her battle-axe.

If someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's laying siege to a castle.”

If your wife's job requires her to wear chainmail and greaves.

If you were leading a horde when any of your kids were born.

If your school fight song was in the Dark Tongue of Mordor.

If you've ever given deadly man-traps as gifts.

If you clean your fingernails with a scimitar.

If you hammer scalps onto the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

If your mother has "siege weapons" on her Christmas list.

If every socket in your house is boobytrapped.

If there has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

If you've been kicked out of the zoo for hunting the apex predators.

If you think "taking out the trash" means severed heads.

If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a worg.

If your kids take a severed head to "show and tell."

If the dogcatcher calls for a SWAT unit when visiting your house.

If you take a harpoon into Sea World.

If your pocketknife often doubles as a machete.

If you own a chainmail leisure suit.

If you know how many corpses your car will hold.

If you have a human scalp for a gas cap.

If you have a sheet of human skin for a passenger-side window.

If you show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on a slave’s back.

If after the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with a battle-axe.

If your father executes the prisoners of war during Christmas dinner.

If you cut your toenails with an axe.

If your wife has battle scars and you find it attractive.

If hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

If your house doesn't have curtains but it has arrow slits.

If you have dried blood under your toenails.

If your mother keeps an axe on the ironing board.

If you've ever worn chainmail to a wedding.

If you've ever cleaned a dead body in your living room.

If you prefer severed fingers to Q-tips.

If directions to your house include "watch out for pit traps."

If your wife's hairdo has a weapon hidden in it.

If your front porch collapses into a pit trap.