Who Named The Berries?

This story was originally published on Medium.

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The smell of manure was thick in Melvin’s nose; as if Drustan, the village painter, was using it exclusively to create a brown mural on the walls of Melvin’s nostrils. He stepped through the field lightly as he carried the large basket of fruits. He was careful to step over all of Lord Leofric’s men, drunken and asleep in the dirt.

He made his way over to where Lord Leofric sat, sprawled out in his massive chair, legs strewn about like he had just been run over by the wine cart.

“Are we quite done?” Leofric said with annoyance. “It smells of the undergarments of the poor folk out here.”

“Not quite, your Grace.” Melvin set the basket of fruits down next to him. “There are still fruits left without names. Your father desires you to name them all so we may trade with the other villages.”

“Fine!” Leofric sat up. “Let’s be quite quick about it. I wish to retire to my chambers where the air isn’t sweet with anus.”

Melvin held up a large, round orange fruit.

“Orange!” Leofric blurted out.

“Your Grace. Perhaps you should consider more carefully before…”

“I said, ‘orange!’ Next!” Leofric insisted on this process going quickly.

Melvin shrugged and scribbled on his parchment with a quill from his best friend, Molty Owl. Oh, how he missed Molty Owl. Melvin held up a smaller orange fruit.

“Another orange?” Leofric was confused.

“This is a different fruit, your Grace.”

“Oh, by the tits of a witch on a snowy day!” Leofric cursed, overly frustrated. He thought a moment. “Tee… ton.. tan… ger… berry? Tangerberry?”

“I don’t believe this to be similar like that of the others you deemed berries…” Melvin started.

“Een!” Leofric cut him off. “I didn’t say berry! Tangerine! Listen up, Melvin! For Purgatory’s sake!”

Melvin scribbled on his parchment. He held up another small orange fruit.

“Oh, these orange fruits are becoming quite annoying!” Leofric folded his arms.

“Might you want to consult the Latin root workbook your father lent you?” Melvin suggested.

“No! It’s a clementine!” Leofric shouted. “Next!”

Melvin scribbled on the parchment. He held up another orange fruit, close to the size of the first one.

“Another bloody orange! No! I am done with the orange fruits! You name it!”

Melvin scribbled on his parchment ‘Bloody Orange’ and accidentally smudged the Y. He cleaned the quill from Molty Owl and readied himself to continue.

Melvin then held up several small, purple fruits all collected together in a bunch.

“Who in the name of Hades eats those things?!” Leofric looked disgusted.

“We saw apes eating them.” Melvin responded. “In fact, they’re quite tast-“

“Then, name them apes!” Leofric waved his hand as if it would take away the purple fruits.

“We can’t name them apes. That would become confusing.”

“Grapes!”

“Your Grace, there are also these… they look similar but are a different color…” Melvin held up some similar looking fruits that are light green in color.

“Red grapes. White grapes! Next!”

Melvin considered telling Lord Leofric he may want to have his eyes checked. But then he realized that would make this whole process longer. And the smell of manure was getting to him as well. He scribbled down Leofric’s names and vowed to move on with this process quickly.

Melvin reached into the basket. His hand gripped the next fruit. He shuddered. He knew this wouldn’t go over well. He lifted it up, showcasing it to Leofric. He wouldn’t meet Leofric’s eyes with his own.

“I thought I said we were done with the orange fruits.” Leofric said in such a slow still tone that it haunted Melvin to the seams of his britches.

“But this one requires a name. It is different from the others.” Melvin started.

“Fine! Leofric burst out. “Grapefruit!”

“Grapefruit?” Melvin questioned this. He was unsure why. Why wouldn’t he just let this go? It must have been the principle. “Like the other smaller ones we just named?”

“No!!” Leofric sneered. “Those were grapes! I said this is a grapefruit!”

“But you just added fruit on the end of it.” Melvin insisted as this made no sense to him. “And, it seems silly, they’re all fruits. Why bother putting fruit at the end of the name. And…”

“This isn’t the first one I put fruit on the end of the name!” Leofric shouted. “It’s a Latin root, that’s why I’ve done it!”

Melvin furrowed his brow, quite sure Leofric had not added ‘fruit’ to the end of the names of any of the other fruits. He opened his mouth to combat Leofric but Leofric cut him off.

“I did! I did! I swear it! The fuzzy brown one that was green and squishy and crunchy on the inside.”

“You called that one a kiwi.” Melvin referred to his parchment.

“And I said some people will call it a kiwifruit!” Leofric was lying through his teeth. “And there will be great debates over which is the correct way.”

“You didn’t say any of that…” Melvin checked the parchment again, even though he knew this to be a lie.

“I did say it, you just weren’t listening.” Leofric insisted. “Write it down. Some will call it kiwi. Some will call it kiwifruit. And I want people to get in heated debates over it!”

Melvin scribbled the notes down. He glanced at the basket. It was empty. He looked up to Leofric who was delighted. Melvin shook his head slowly.

“What? What could possibly be left to name?!” Leofric exploded.

“Remember that pile of bright-colored circular objects next to the backside of that goose that we thought was its droppings?”

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