The Perfect Gift for Every Perfectionist Mom-to-Be

INTRODUCTION to Failproof Motherhood for a Failproof Child:

This is the project of projects that you are about to undertake. Your baby will be just that: YOUR BABY, no one else’s. (In some cases, the father’s baby as well, but that is beside the point.) Your goal of goals — the best baby your baby can be — is completely reliant on you alone. In other words, your baby is yours to nurture or to ruin.

Granted, this is a lot of pressure, but the prospect of doing anything great always involves pressure. What could be a greater, more important undertaking than bringing a new human into the world and nurturing her to grow into the best person she can possibly be?

If this is too much pressure for you to handle, don’t get pregnant. Get a hamster.

That said, if you still feel you are strong enough to embark on this journey to motherhood, I am about to provide your road map. I will take you step by step, directing your path with all the latest advice and theories by early child nuturology experts like me as your guide posts. Gentlewomen, start your ovaries!

CHAPTER ONE: Get a Womb!

If the uterus belonging to you (or a surrogate) is not a suitable place for your baby to live and grow in for nine months, then a baby should not be there, period. It’s that simple. You simply cannot take chances with your baby’s first environment, so before conception, you must get your baby’s house in order. Here are steps you or your surrogate must take BEFORE conception:

First, and most important: keep away from harmful substances like alcohol, tobacco, and all stressful situations such as music you don’t like, movies and tv shows you don’t like, news reports you don’t like, and relatives.

Stop using hair dye, nail polish, lipstick, and eye makeup. Why would you want to attract a man now? You are already pregnant.

Remove all body piercings and tattoos and do not get any new ones. These introduce contaminants into your bloodstream, and they also introduce the kind of people into your life who smoke, drink alcohol, and bring negative vibrations into your space.

Stop using cell phones except in extreme emergencies. They introduce harmful radiation into your brain, distract you when driving, and cause unwanted contact with people who cause you stress, such as the baby’s father and his parents.

Chapter Two: Ready, Set, Conceive!

Concerning the biological particulars of conception, it is not the place of this book to venture too deeply (so to speak) into the physical act itself. I will leave that to doctor’s office pamphlets and adult films.

It is my studied opinion that the best conceptions, meaning the least complicated emotionally are, of course, those achieved artificially in a laboratory. Romanticizing conception leads to inefficiency of thinking and planning and can lead to intense feelings of ownership of the situation by people who just want to get in the way of your project, such as the biological father and his family members.

Think about it. If you were working on a presentation at work, and one of your colleagues got it into his head that he was in love with you and wanted to work on your presentation with you, and later claims your project as half his forever just because he gave you his pencil to write ideas with, or gave you some toner for your printer, your presentation would no longer be under your complete control. Its destiny is now out of your hands. You can prevent this from happening by not getting emotionally involved with your conception partner. He is really nothing more than a toner donor! And my friends say I have no sense of humor!

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____________________________________________________This story was originally published on Medium.com.