My private army has turned on me. What should I do?

Are you a petty dictator, cancelled movie star, or aspiring politician with a tricky problem? Welcome to Bad Advice, the first advice column for the rich, the famous, and the dangerously unhinged.

Dear comrade Bad Advice

For many long winters, I have been blessed with the loyal companionship of a close friend, whom I shall call Yevgeny. Not only has he been a steadfast confidant, but he has also provided invaluable assistance during trying times.

Once, when I encountered a bit of trouble in Donbas, my responsibilities as a busy leader left me with limited time. I turned to Yevgeny and humbly requested his support in resolving the situation. Showing exceptional dedication, he not only promptly journeyed to that (now) troubled region but took a considerable number of ‘advisors’ with him. His unwavering commitment to his good friend and his knack for crushing brutality were truly commendable. In fact, his success led him to tackle similar predicaments on my behalf in Syria, Libya, and Central Africa.

However, we recently encountered a minor disagreement. Last year, I entrusted Yevgeny and his advisors with the task of negotiating a minor local dispute, relying on his customary finesse. Given his previous triumphs in similar local conflicts, I anticipated we would be chuckling about it over a few vodkas within a few weeks.

When the neighbors put up more of a fight than expected, I asked my other comrade, Sergei, to step in and help.

That’s when the Khrushchev hit the fan, to use a local expression.

Unfortunately, Yevgeny did not take Sergei’s advice very well. That’s the problem in their line of work. Too many generals, not enough cannon fodder. The next thing you know, I find out Yevgeny is talking Khrushchev about me to anyone who would lend an ear.

Admittedly, launching a missile strike on hundreds of his ‘advisers’ may have been an overreaction, but what can I say? A dictator’s gotta dictate. You feel me, da?

In any case, Yevgeny allowed his emotions to get the better of him and totally lost his cool. Which I assure you is very hard to do around these parts. He declared, quite impulsively, that he would pay me an uninvited visit to share his grievances directly.

Naturally, the timing proved to be inconvenient, as I was overseeing a grand event — a Party, if you will. And Yevgeny just wasn’t going to fit it. I mean, he was a hot dog seller, for goodness’ sake.

Fortunately, matters eventually resolved themselves, but not before Yevgeny caused me great embarrassment. It felt like the whole world was laughing at me. Yevgeny made it most of the way here before cooling off and deciding to go stay with Aleksandr instead.

Nevertheless, I find myself faced with a predicament. My problem is, Yevgeny can be a bit of a hothead and I don’t need this Khrushchev.

What course of action would you recommend I take to address this matter?

Kneel Before Vlad, Moscow

Dear Kneel Before Vlad

From what you (and the United Nations Human Rights Council) say, Yevgeny sounds like a real pain in the Yeltsin.

While conflicts and disagreements are often a part of any relationship, it seems that your association with Yevgeny has reached a tipping point.

Yes, there were clearly faults on both sides — an international war crime here, an indiscriminate missile attack there — but maybe it’s time to acknowledge that you and Yevgeny just aren’t into each other anymore. Sometimes, late at night, you may miss Yevgeny and his murderous posse. You may even be tempted to reconcile next time you invade a neighbouring country with an under-equipped army, a hopeless plan of attack, and a complete ignorance of how much people don’t want to be occupied by a dangerously corrupt regime.

But it would be best to just let it go. Yevgeny and Aleksandr seem very happy together. So happy that Aleksandr spent eight hours giddily talking about it just the other day.

Let them enjoy their time together, which may be short. You never know. One morning, they may be laughing over a breakfast hot dog in Minsk and, the next, Yevgeny reaches for the Novichok instead of the ketchup. Meanwhile, your focus should remain on your numerous responsibilities, such as installing de facto puppet governments in the heart of emerging democracies, overseeing a corrupt oligopoly, and shirtless horseback riding.

Besides, statistically speaking, there is a good chance that Yevgeny may encounter an unfortunate accident involving a tall building and an open window in the near future.