Dear Body - You Have BETRAYED Me!

Dear Body... Specifically my stomach.

In 5 days we are turning 34 years old. We have been through a lot together. And for the most part, you've never let me down.

We've survived several assaults - including one where we were drugged and you still managed to punch him in the face at least once. We've fallen off a cliff and down several flights of stairs. We've fought off Covid, though we were pretty close to the grave from it. A childhood of chronic bronchitis and pneumonia. A couple of pregnancies that tried to kill us too - you did very well with that, especially the first one. I know that was hard for you to keep us alive when I was so sick and literally between stomach surgery, gallbladder removal, and keeping our baby alive while we were dying from malnutrition in a hospital bed for over a month.

Despite our spine refusing to relax and just curve the right way, and degenerating joints from bad genetics... we've done pretty damn good I would say.

But recently... you've betrayed me. I don't know if you know this, but that's why I am telling you, dear body.

Morning rituals are sacred. We know this. For the last 18 or so years, our ritual has been to wake up - and drink coffee. Do a few light chores in or around the kitchen while it brews, filling the house with the smell of 'the best part of waking up.'

The last 5 years has been to wake up, begin to brew, feed the kids and animals, start a load of laundry, and tidy up anything the cats may have knocked over because at night they snort massive amounts of catnip from their secret stash and break... damn party animals.

And then we sit down, open up our writing platforms, read other author's work mostly, and comment - because reading and commenting is more fun than thinking when you're half dead still. By the time our glorious, usually hot but sometimes iced, beverage that is the invention of geniuses and God is gone.. we are ready to write... or close the laptop and clean the house properly.

It is our lifeblood. It is what keeps us going while raising three children, remembering to show my husband I love him and that I'm not just a crazy psycho running around doing things all the time (conscious effort on our half, isn't it? We are not used to being loved properly still), taking care of my sissy and bubba, checking in with my sick mom, trying to run a home business, write, and publish our book again.

OH! And you know... we have a whole little homestead of veggies and chickens to take care of. Body, we have a LOT to do... EVERY DAY. And our life source, our sacred potion of rejuvenation... is a treasured, almost holy RITUAL that we MUST do in order to make our day start right...

And yet lately... whenever I drink this decadent black gold laced with creamy goodness (Just to point out - I gave up on adding sugar years ago. I learned to be healthier and more bitter... JUST FOR US BODY...) you assault me. It's like it's turned into a battlefield, our love of our morning ritual.

What used to be what made me get up and go you have now turned and twisted and corrupted into a battle for my life on the toilet - crying out to the coffee and stomach Gods to have mercy on us... What have I done to anger you so?

I mean yes... we could turn to tea. Tea is LOVELY. I like tea... in my evenings and afternoons. Mornings... mornings are made for coffee.

Is it because we are turning 34 in a few days and you would like me to take probiotics more often?

Is it because you are craving something else?

Tell me, Body... WHY? Why have you forsaken coffee? Why have you forsaken ME?

If we could just communicate... I am sure we could work this misunderstanding out. But you refuse to speak to me unless it's the sound of demonic screams emitting from deep within you, right before you make me run, sobbing in pain to the toilet.

So... since you are being childish... I will acknowledge your rage when I drink coffee. But just understand... that much like our doctor told us eating spicy food was a risk after our surgery.... I still have a challenge-accepted mentality.

You do not rule me. I rule you. I make the choices here. I am putting our foot down. Today, I will take a probiotic. I will drink as much water as you can hold. I will even take my vitamins.

And tomorrow... I expect you to RESPECT our morning ritual.

And if you don't.... then I guess... I'm just gonna have to learn to live with tea... But that doesn't mean you will win.

I will find a way. I will!

Mark my words body... I will punish you for punishing me. You are getting NOTHING but healthy stuff today. No sweets. No alfredo. Nothing that you tell me you really, really crave. Because it's a lie. And if I am not allowed to drink coffee... you dear body are not allowed to crave other unhealthy stuff that we have worked really hard to eliminate from our diet.

When you are ready to be an adult and communicate with me, the facilitator of you, let me know.

We can work it out.

With much love....

Yourself.