Bite Me!

Welcome to the Van Rippers of Brooklyn. Entrepreneurs, close-knit family, great neighbors, lifelong Democrats, and of course undead for over 300 years. A not-so-typical family struggling with modern times and technology while coping with work, romance, immortality, and staying out of the sun.

The Van Rippers came to New Amsterdam (New York City) in 1694 to start a new life. Willem Van Ripper, his wife Carol, daughters Kaatje and Madeleine, and son Maarten began their life with high hopes, open hearts, and a steadfast belief in faith and the promise of the New World.

All of which went to shit when Willem’s best friend, Constantin came calling in October 1694. Thus, a night of wine, good cheers, and tall tales soon became a nightmare as Constantin turned each member of the family into Vampires. Forever cursed with a need for blood, darkness, and a secret that they must hide from everyone.

But on the bright side, planning for the future became a whole lot less stressful, as you’d be alive no matter what. There are always new friends to meet and get to know, as the old ones age and die off - well, not everything in life is rosy.

And life moves on year after year, decade after decade . . . well, okay, so boredom is an issue but 300 years is a long time to figure things out and the Van Rippers have successfully merged old customs, new ideas, and modern technology with a thirst for life, and of course, the other thing.

Willem is in the Import Export business during the day and at night, no he stopped doing that in 1764 after nearly getting staked and instead has turned his superior strength, powers of persuasion, and general rosy outlook on life into something positive.

He’s in charge of the neighbor watch committee in Dyker Heights and spends most evenings enjoying the cool night air, the vibrant social scene at DUMBO, and keeping his friends and neighbors safe.

It was during one of his nightly rounds in 2014 that he met five-year-old David. A little boy witnessing the brutal murder of his mother by an abusive stepfather and was about to be victim number two, when Willem intervened.

Actually, what he did was quite impressive but done so quickly that all David remembers is the vague impression of a body flying through the window and getting impaled in the neighbor’s RV.

That night David became an orphan and the newest member of the Van Ripper family.

The little boy soon becomes aware of who they were and what they were capable of, but all he ever got was a loving home, a first-class education, and some of the finest Italian cooking in New York.

Nothing is easy when you don’t age. You can only be a high schooler for so long before people begin to talk, and that leads to gossip, awkward questions, and usually a visit from Willem.

Best to keep moving, spend summers overseas, weekends in the Hamptons, anything to keep the neighbors guessing and not spend too much time thinking about - why do they always look the same?

Pilot Episode

The pilot introduces us to the Van Rippers. Their descent into darkness. Their resurrection back into the light of a new world, a new age of technology and innovation.

We also meet David, a bright energetic young lad on the cusp of manhood living with two “sisters” whose constant banter, sophisticated worldview, and uninhibited teasing with the opposite sex tests David’s willpower and basic kindness.

Madeleine sees him as a little brother, a constant friend and advisor, and a potential love interest despite Carol’s admonitions that - it’s never going to happen.

Maarten is in every way, David's big brother. His protector and consigliere schools him on the skills of survival and hand-to-hand combat, as well as the art of seduction, which David is keen to learn but only if it’s with Carmela. His best friend and would-be high school sweetheart who stole his heart and will one day soon know how he feels.

We visit the Van Rippers at home, at dinner as they engage and plan their lives around the ever-changing times that are constantly challenging them.

Staying hidden in plain sight is becoming more and more difficult, as Willem curses the Internet, Instagram, and all the “Damn Social Media” that constantly broadcasts photos, memes, and other annoyances that threaten their lives with exposure.

We also get a glimpse of David’s life in high school, and a few of his friends including the ever-present and ominous Boris Kyrlinko. The son of Alexei Kyrlinko, a local Russian businessman, community leader, and rival of Willem for control of the undead population.

All in all, life at the Van Ripper household is never dull.

Here is a bit of dialogue from David’s high school cafeteria as he returns from summer vacation.

INT. CAFETERIA -- AFTERNOON

Loud, lively, and filled with calorie-deprived teenagers wanting to vent.

TABLE ONE

ANNETTE

It sucks, like I would know what he meant, like, I'm psychic and I should read his mind, like he had one, only never uses it.

BARB

Who are we talking about?

TABLE TWO

RORY

I didn't, I swear.

CORY

You did, yesterday.

RORY

I never did it.

CORY

You did.

(Cory's friend AMANDA holds up her iPhone and replays the "incident." Rory's kissing someone and it's not Cory.)

RORY

That's really not cool. The right to privacy is in the Constitution.

CORY

So is the right to be an asshole, doesn't mean you have to be one.

(Cory slides her lunch tray into his lap and leaves.)

TABLE THREE

DAVID

You've been staring at your peas for twenty minutes; you're beginning to freak me out.

CARMELLA

I'm conflicted.

DAVID

About?

CARMELLA

I saw them do it. It's not right.

DAVID

Who?

Smacks her hand against the table, which hits the fork, and sends the peas flying toward David.

CARMELLA

Focus! This is important and I need guidance.

DAVID

All right, guidance. So, what were they doing - exactly?

She stares.

DAVID

Oh, right. All out or just...

CARMELLA

Doing it like on Animal Planet.

(Big sigh)

And he was wearing socks.

DAVID

What?

CARMELLA

He was only wearing socks, which was like, weird. I couldn't take my eyes off them. While the rest of him was doing, you know. It was traumatic.

DAVID

Carmella, it's your mom and her boyfriend. It's what consenting adults do, you know, as often as we think about it.

CARMELLA

While my dad is sitting alone in Bensonhurst crying in his wine.

DAVID

Beer.

CARMELLA

Whatever.

DAVID

Your Dad is going to be fine. He's tough and...

CARMELLA

And what...

DAVID

And your mom was cheating on him, so...

(She sits back as if he was thinking of slapping her but didn't go through with it.)

CARMELLA

That's not fair.

DAVID

You're right it isn't.

CARMELLA

Not what I meant. She wasn't, she only saw him once or ... twice.

DAVID

(Grabs her hand)

You know I love you and you're my best friend, right? But come on they’ve been schtupping for months. In your dad’s bed, in his study - in his freaking car...

(She starts to cry.)

CARMELLA

God, it sucks getting older. Everything has meaning and hurts.