Bad Luck Bill

Bill was just an ordinary man except for one little thing, he had constant bad luck!

Most people knew him as Bad Luck Bill, which is a nickname he’d earned himself over time.

It started as a light-hearted, well-meaning platitude, like “Oh, bad luck there, Bill.” Or “Don’t worry, that’s just bad luck, Bill.”, but it became so commonplace that it was easier to just call him ‘Bad Luck Bill’ and save everyone the trouble.

These are his stories -

For reasons not worth delving into right now, Bill had just moved into a new town, again.

He bought himself a small townhouse, it was riddled with asbestos of course, but only had three leaks when it rained heavily, so could’ve be worse.

Next door on the neighbouring wall was a townhouse in immaculate condition, and who lived there was a married couple.

One was a world renowned Professional Baker while the other was a Doctor working as a General Practitioner, but for the time being they were both at home having just brought home a new baby.

Bill bumped into them, dropping his favourite pot plant and shattering it, the day he moved in and learned they’d lived there for a few years. They seemed friendly enough and after Bill had settled in they invited him over for tea and cake one afternoon, which of course meant Bill had to cancel a clashing dentist appointment (he hasn’t been to an appointment in years).

When Bill arrived that afternoon, he knocked on the door splitting the seam of his coat sleeve and when they answered to let him in, he tripped on the mat, stumble through the door and smashed a prized vase gifted to the Baker by an old friend, thereby waking the baby.

Years later, Bill often looked back on that entrance and rated it as ‘pretty good’ all things considered.

They all managed to find a seat at a round glass coffee table to share tea and apple pie made actually by the Doctor.

The pie was simply delicious, so Bill asked for the recipe.

It turned out the recipe was an old family secret on the Doctor’s mother’s side, but they both felt so sorry Bill as when he asked for the recipe he spilt his remaining hot coffee all over his trousers.

The Doctor blurted the ingredients and hastily scribbled down the baking instructions onto a piece of paper, then politely ushered Bill to the door so he could change his pants.

It turned out the ingredient that made the pie so delicious was the added salt!

“Who knew salt could be that powerful!”, Bill said to the Baker and the Doctor as they both smiled and shut the door on his face.

It is believed Bill was never invited over again.

The next morning, Bill went straight to the supermarket after of course having his car towed and the battery recharged.

The apple pie recipe called for only a pinch of salt but naturally the only one available was the largest bag possible, a 5kg sack. Bill was annoyed but the delicious memory of the delectable crust and sweet but savoury apple drove him to buy it anyway.

“Salt doesn’t go off!”, He assured himself. He lugged the bag of salt to the counter along with the remaining ingredients, only dropping the bag twice, spilling the salt over the cashier.

When he got home he went straight to the kitchen. He gathered all the ingredients after of course dropping the sack of salt a third time, pouring most of what was left on the kitchen floor in an almost perfect circle.

He was just so hungry for the apple pie that he didn’t bother cleaning it up. He just continued preparing the dish while doing his best to interpret the Doctor’s scribbles.

In all the fussing about and moving here and there preparing for the pie, the salt on the floor was becoming more than a circle. Bill was sliding around so much he was creating lines with his feet which of course eventually formed together to make a pentagram.

Then, after attempting a particularly difficult section to read, the kitchen started shake. Bill didn’t think too much of it and just pushed on by trying to read the recipe out loud. None of the words he was reading made any spoken sense but he thought if he could just say them maybe it would all come together.

So he kept reading as the room grew dark and the rumbling intensified, until suddenly, the salt at his feet started to glow. Then naturally a creature burst from the floor and started flailing about inside the small townhouse causing a ruckus.

It was of course an Imp from the underworld, red skin, lanky limbs, arrow pointed tail and all.

“Uggh, damn it! Shoo, shoo!” Bill pleaded, “Sigh… not again.”

Summoned an Imp from the underworld while baking a pie in the kitchen?

That’s Bad Luck Bill.