To All The Men I've Pushed Away

Dear Men I’ve Pushed Away,

I know the chance that you’re reading this is slim, but if you’ve found yourself here, I want you to know it’s not your fault. Whatever happened between us was a result of me trying to protect myself. It’s likely that you’re a great man who I pushed away. I didn’t mean to, it’s just something that happens whenever I sense that someone likes me. It doesn’t always have to be someone who is romantically interested in me. I’ve ended friendships because of my need to protect myself. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it until the person is gone and I end up hurt. So why do I do this if that’s the outcome? I guess it’s because I’m afraid. No, I don’t think you’re dangerous or that you’ll end up using or hurting me. The problem lies within me. I don’t trust myself to pick someone who is good for me. I know that sounds insulting, so I want to clarify that I don’t think you’ll hurt me. I didn’t think HE would have done the things he did to me either. Throughout the course of our relationship, I excused his behavior as a product of his past. I told myself that the reason he wouldn’t let me out of his sight was because his mother didn’t let him out of hers. I wanted to believe that he picked fights with me because he didn’t know how to love me. He didn’t have the best example, since his parents were always physically fighting and name calling each other. Someone recently told me he must not have been so bad since I picked him. There were so many things I wanted to say in response. Each thing would have revealed more about me than I felt comfortable with, so I kept it simple. I told him that my ex was different at the beginning of our relationship, which was true. It wasn’t hard for him to trick me into thinking he was everything that I wanted. In reality, he was a liar and an abuser. It’s because of him that I’m not able to love as freely. I was a different person at the start of that relationship. I was the kind of girl who still believed in soulmates and other innocent things that I find to be silly now. I would have never thought that I would end up with a man who abused me. That innocence was likely the reason he picked me. It’s easy to be with someone who seems excited to be with you, so it was easy to be with him in the beginning. I magnified the good things he did for me, which aided me in overlooking the vibrant red flags. I allowed him to change me until he destroyed the sweet girl that I used to be. It started out with little things, like him making a comment about my weight that bothered me. I let him nitpick my looks until I believed that I was ugly. It wasn’t long before I didn’t feel comfortable in my own home without makeup. I started starving myself and developed an unhealthy relationship with food as a result. I gave up most of my interests and hobbies for him and became a shell of the woman I used to be. You’d have probably liked that woman. The woman I am now is stuck somewhere between fight or flight mode and I end up pushing everyone away. I’m trying to fix the woman I’ve become, but it takes time. If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate it, and I hope that you can find it in yourself to be patient with me.