The World is Crazy, So I'll Find Something Crazy to Do

The world has gone nuts.

But so have I.

Perhaps it is a reflection of my inner state of being, a holographic fractal of my disturbed, shattered mind.

Or, the world is just messed up, it always has been, and I just never noticed before.

Which is the most likely scenario?

I'm not sure I care. I just want to be happy, live a good life, and walk my dog in the rain.

Well, I'm pretty much doing that now.

I haven't seen any mushroom clouds outside my window, or aliens landing on my front lawn.

Just some patchy grass, some fallen leaves from the maple trees, a few piles of dog shit here and there.

Right now, he's snoring next to me on the couch.

I have a wood pile to organize before it starts getting frosty. There are little islands of dog-hair dust bunnies under the kitchen table that I've been neglecting to sweep up. I'll put it on my to-do list for tomorrow.

Lately, I've been restless. It might be that I just turned 50, or it could be the synergetic vibrations emanating from the sun, creating a new form of consciousness in my brain.

Either way, I've noticed I've been wanting to try new things.

Not weird kinky things, or dangerous outdoor extreme sports, but more mundane stuff like sewing, designing clothes, making pottery, writing science fiction.

Now I said in the title, crazy, and those things aren't really crazy.

But to me, they are very unusual ideas. I've never been interested in designing clothing, my biggest interest lately. I even went so far as to buy a sewing machine and all of the accessories.

I've been watching tons of YouTube vids on upcycled clothing design, and I've been scouring the thrift shops for boho fabrics, interesting embroideries and patterns, and cheap leather for fringes to decorate my new designs.

At first, I just wanted to sell the upcycled items in my Etsy shop or on eBay, but now, I've been wanting to start wearing some of the outfits.

I've never been interested in any type of clothing after the usual 80's high school mini skirts. It's just been jeans and sweatshirts for decades. I don't HAVE a style.

I literally get up in the morning, shower, brush my hair, and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I wear comfortable shoes.

But at the Goodwill the other day, I was eying a pair of tall leather boots. They were super cute. I thought they would go great with a flowy boho tunic and a pair of hand-embroidered jeans.

Maybe I'm mid-life crisis fantasizing. But I don't feel like I'm in a crisis of identity, and I don't feel like it's a matter of wanting to look younger.

I'm not sure what's going on.

It's even happening in other aspects of my life. I've never been interested in home decorating, I've always been practical and utilitarian, since childhood.

Now, I've been buying candles, to start. But looking around my house, and thinking everything looks so bleak and boring. I want it to look nicer. More beautiful.

Everything is black, grey, beige, boring. Black curtains, couch, tables. It just feels dark and enclosing. I am starting to just want more beauty in my life, in my surrounding, in what I wear.

It seems to be more of a personality change than anything else. In some ways, I've become a lot happier. I still have issues, dark moments, serious mental health and spiritual problems.

I feel like I want a nicer world. Even if it's just the parts around me that I can control.