The Road to Conscious Love

Hello! Welcome to my journey in awakening to the fullness of the human experience and unraveling the truths behind what is love actually. My name is Princess Leah Melita Jael I. Tafari; but I usually go by Leah Jael. It's easier for people to grasp, whereas when I introduce myself as Princess Leah, most people repeat it back to confirm if I'm being serious or joking. They then continue with the most original questions, "Are your parents Star Wars fans?" and "Are you really a Princess?"

Though my answers were never quite to their fullest enjoyment, I end my conversations with the response, "No. My parents are not Star Wars fans, but the Force is still with me", and "That's for me to know and you to find out." As unusual as my name is, my love life couldn't be any less complex, and that's why I'm sharing with you my journey in love and discovering the truth and lies about love.

This journey is called "The Road to Conscious Love" because we are taught that there is only one way to love: monogamously. We're finally getting to a point where same sex love is acceptable. The LGBTQIA+ community is making a profound statement in ways to love. However, all of these styles of love are still mainly ONLY acceptable under the rule of one person being with one person. But I'm learning a whole new paradigm in this perspective. There is a such thing as consensual non-monogamy. There is a such thing as loving more than one person, and that's called Polyamory.

I came out as bisexual after high school and discovered that I may be poly last summer. I've been in a super long-term relationship with my son's father for almost 9.5 years (most of it was exclusively monogamous). We were engaged for 3 years, but I broke it off when I couldn't understand why some things weren't clicking for me. I knew I loved my partner, but there was something that I didn't understand about myself, and I didn't want to make a mistake if I wasn't fully ready to make that kind of commitment.

We eventually realized that we do want to be together, so we decided to move back in together. It wasn't long before we realized that there was still something off, and that's when I came across the "Red Table Talk" episode when Willow Smith comes out as polyamorous. It resonated with me so strongly that I had the conversation with my partner. He wasn't exactly gung-ho about the idea. His parents are still married for 36 years. This whole concept was alien to him, and so we ended up moving into separate homes. Eventually, he opened his mind a little more and we opened our relationship to date other people.

We're fairly new to learning the ins and outs of the community and the labels that go with it. I find it difficult searching for communities who "normalize" this more, as well as meeting people who understand/are looking for the same thing. My partner is still worried about what other people think and hasn't told any of his family or really dated anyone. I think he might be trying to just please me or not lose me, and I feel guilty to put him in this position. He said he believes in the power of non-monogamy in a "consciousness vs ego" kind of way and wants to unlearn the conditioning he's been raised with. I want to trust him, but this takes a lot of inner work, and it's definitely not a lifestyle for the faint or weary.

I've read a couple of books ("The Polys Next Door" was very educational), but I find that I'm meeting people who don't really understand what it means to be poly. They usually say they're okay with it, but it feels like they say that to hook up a few times and then bounce. Being poly isn't about hook ups with random strangers all the time. It's about developing deep connections with people, on all different levels. Being poly is about following your heart and offering it to people who are going to cherish it. It's not much more different than dating to find the right person, except it's to find the right people to be a part of your tribe.

As I continue unfolding this journey of polaymorous love, I hope to uncover the layers that make love a conscious act of spiritual awakening. Love is about letting go of ego and possession. It's about working through triggers of insecurity and learning to accept one another as they truly are. Most of the time in monogamous relationships, it's easier to hide behind exclusivity to cover up our insecurities. It's easier to put blame on the partner whenever triggers come up. It's much easier to expect the other to be responsible for our happiness than to take full responsibility for our own happiness.

These are the things I want to understand better and live in a space of authentic security in my love life. I hope you'll join me on this journey of self-discovery, and together I hope we can reach Conscious Love.