me, for this breath

Over the past couple of weeks, I have spent significant time contemplating my mental landscape, trying to pinpoint a single event in my life that marked a shift in identity—a defining moment that triggered a cascade of questions about who and what I am. I've explored the seismic events from childhood to the present, and there have been plenty that brought me to my edges.

Yet, I’ve found it impossible to narrow down a shift in “myself” to just one event initiating a landslide of introspection. There isn't a single defining instance; rather, 42 years of moments. A lifetime full of choosing. A minute-by-minute becoming. Rebirth after rebirth.

With each changing set of life circumstances, there's an opportunity for new pathways of thought, and new shifts in being. Every passing second, I am given the chance to see things from a limited or vast perspective. I am not the same person I was yesterday or even five minutes ago. I'm simply someone who has continued to evolve, for better or worse, through a billion little events that have brought me to the me that I am for this breath.

A billion tears.

A billion laughs.

Massive amounts of failures.

Many wins.

Times of questioning everything.

Moments of absolute trust.

Deep wells of sadness.

Exuberant celebration.

Fighting the current,

trying to swim upstream.

Placing my ears in the water

and floating downriver.

Walking through life

with blinders on,

and ripping them off again.

Falling hard.

Staying down.

Then rising up once more.

Plummeting deep into the

folds of my mind,

examining parts of myself

I wished not to see.

Shedding old ways of

being

and clinging to new.

Sifting through

files of my history—

dwelling on the narratives

I've sewn within.

Unraveling tight threads

of thought

weaving new patterns

into my soul.

Sinking deep into my vast oceans

of contemplation,

filtering out the scum

and refining that

which is worth keeping.

Being pushed

to my edges—

forced to look at

areas where growth

is the only option.

Reaching my limits,

then being dragged past them—

pressed far beyond

my comfort zone.

Standing on the cliffs of infinity

and actively choosing to stay.

*Feeling* triggered

and making the wrong choices.

*Feeling* triggered

and making the right choices.

Wrestling with

generational curses,

severing their chains

around me,

but not without

a bloody fight.

Craving the wisdom

of fellow life travelers—

engaging in conversation

with cab drivers,

grocery clerks,

strangers on the bus,

neighbors,

family,

children—the wisest of them all—

and friends.

Absorbing wisdom of

my great-grandparents,

my grandparents,

my parents,

my siblings—

gleaning understanding

from their experiences.

Immersing myself in the

writings of other minds:

on life,

on death,

on breath,

on joy,

on religion,

on the universe.

Communing with nature.

Sitting with trees.

Climbing mountains.

Gazing at stars.

Dipping into oceans.

Lingering through canyons

in silence—

listening.

Meditation.

Somatic releasing.

Ideology releasing.

Control releasing.

Surrender.

Witnessing life.

Being a portal for new life

to enter this world.

Sitting with death,

watching the slow freeing

of the final breath.

Experiences of profound

realization—

physical clunks

occurring in my brain.

Literal reconstruction.

Feeling the scaffolding fall away,

revealing a new mind.

Yet, without fail,

more scaffolding is built again.

More re-construction.

One thing is certain— I will continue to change.

Growth will come if I allow it, if I can see

each moment for what it is—a

unique opportunity to

evolve into a

different

version

of

"me"

Life is a dance, and when you are dancing you are not intent on getting somewhere… The meaning and purpose of dancing is the dance.

-Alan Watts