How the Journey of Self-discovery Helped me Find the Love Within Myself.

When I was around the age 17 years old, I fell in love with a boy I had no business loving. All the feelings of love and infatuation were simply euphoric as my feelings grew more and more. It wasn't until the summer of 2015 when I realized that he wasn't the one I was going to spend my life with all because he chose to believe a lie an old friend and his now ex-girlfriend started about me. So that ended everything.

It wasn't until I was 19 years old when I tried putting myself out there again only to get my heart broken again.

One night in 2017, I had an epiphany. I knew what I wanted in a romantic relationship: Loyalty, trust, stability emotional maturity. Basically everything a 16 to 19-year-old boy can't give you. And frankly, at that age, I wasn't about to jump on the older man train.

But also I realized that I had been chasing something I couldn't attain at that time because I didn't love nor did I know myself the way I should have. So I promised to stop dating until I was emotionally and mentally ready for a partner.

On the journey to finding myself, past childhood trauma, and things I had buried in the back of my mind started to surface. Including the things I did to hide the pain of many heartbreaks.

Because the power of these memories and traumatic events were too overwhelming, I decided to seek therapy and come up with a plan on how to deal with the overwhelming sadness I've felt for years.

But also, while in therapy. The reasons why I wanted a relationship came up. We concluded that it was from a toxic and unhealthy place of co-dependency.

I was trying to find the love I didn't get in the past from all the wrong men. Which is a story all too common nowadays. 

If I could go back in time and tell myself anything in those moments of time, I say you didn't them. They could never give you the love that you want or need. The road they will take on is a road to pain and heartbreak. But the sad thing is I don't think I would have listened. I was so desperate to be loved, I would have ignored all advice both solicited and non. Which is why I kept getting hurt.

Today, I can honestly say with the wholeness of my soul that I am in a much healthier place in my life. I don't feel like I need to fight for the love and affection of others because I am finally secure in myself. 

People can say negative things to me, and at first, it does hurt because yes, I am a human, and words hurt. But after an hour or two, I feel completely okay and happy with myself. I no longer feel like I have to change or condense myself to be loved and or accepted by men or even other people. 

This time when I do start dating again, the relationship will be different because I have unconditional love and respect for myself. Which also shows him how I want to be treated in the relationship.

Plus I won't look to him to be my only happiness. Of course, he'll make me happy, but he's not my end game.

The journey to self-discovery is a long and sometimes painful one, but once you break through those things that hindered you from growing and having a healthy relationship with others, but most importantly yourself, life becomes smoother because of the love and acceptance you have for yourself.

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