How Narcissistic People Manipulate Their Partners and Spouses

There are few things than being trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. While I was fortunate enough to avoid this trap in my intimate relationships, it was something I witnessed over and over again growing up. The narcissists in my family (especially my mother) loved using manipulative tactics to control their partners.

They did it in different ways. My mother would play the victim, get sad and cry when someone didn't give her what she wanted. Her childhood trauma was brought up a lot too. Anytime she lost her cool, it would be thrown back in everyone's faces. I had a horrible childhood, how could you question me ever?

Other narcissists in my family liked to use fear, shame, and guilt to keep their partners on a tight lead. Blows weren't often thrown, but words were sharper than swords. It was nothing to these narcissists to say the most heinous insults to their husbands and wives. They did it with one intention too - break down the victim, assume control of them emotionally.

Narcissistic people always want control.

A truly narcissistic person isn't necessarily grandiose in the way they act. They are grandiose in the way they see themselves. Narcissists feel entitled to the emotional labor of those around them. Living in a world of delusion (with little to no empathy) narcissists expect everyone around them to conform to the way they seem themselves. If their victims don't comply, they enter a "destructive" phase.

Narcissistic people always want control of the "situation". It doesn't matter what that situation is. They have a compulsive need to control their partners and spouses, their families, their work persona, and even the way strangers perceive them on the street. They are always cloaked behind a mask that lends itself to this control.

Partners learn early to curb their behavior and their desires to fit the persona of the narcissist. The choice is simple. Comply or be destroyed.

Narcissists live primarily in a state of delusion that they control. Everyone around them is expected to conform to this delusion and to reinforce whatever reality the narcissist desires. It's a forceful game, but not one that is done overtly.

Much of the control a narcissist takes from others is done by manipulation. Targeting the most vulnerable parts of their victims, they pull at the delicate strings attached to deep fear and emotion. Partners of narcissistic people are conditioned, over time, to behave in the way the narcissist desires and to give them what they want. To defeat them, victims must learn to identify the manipulative patterns they're being subjected to.

How narcissistic people use manipulation to control their partners.

It can be hard to spot the manipulations of a narcissist initially. There is a certain degree of self-awareness and radical honesty that is needed. Why? Because narcissists your insecurities against the people around them. They keep their victims broken, scared, and full of shame for having needs or emotions at all.

Fear of loss

Narcissistic people love to hold their relationships hostage. It's a favored manipulative tactic. Any time their partners try to escape or hold them accountable, the narcissistic person threatens total abandonment. Reactions like this strike fear into the hearts of their partners, who are faced suddenly with the reality of rejection.

Example: "Do what I want or I'll leave you. You'll be alone forever because you're unlovable…You're lucky I lowered myself to be with you in the first place."

The goal is to create a trap for you. If you're someone who finds self-value in your external relationships, you become beholden to how other people want to position those relationships. That's why self-validation is so key. A self-validated person has no fear of losing a bad relationship. But those with external self-worth can be trapped by toxic people who trigger their fear of being alone.

Pity party

Threats like the ones above aren't the only way a narcissist manipulates their partners. Those threats can become increasingly deranged until they turn into victimhood, pity parties. It depends on what kind of narcissist you're dealing with. The more covert narcissistic partner is more likely to use threats against themselves than you.

Example: "You're hurting me…why don't you love me enough to do what I want? I don't want to live if you're not going to do what I want…I'm going to harm myself if you don't give in to me."

The surrealist folk horror film, Men, displays this dynamic perfectly.

In the opening moments of the film, we see a woman who is being set upon by her partner. She wants to break up and he is becoming increasingly hostile. In the end, he tells her that if she leaves, he will harm himself. After persisting, the woman's husband throws himself off the roof of their apartment building (cursing her as he falls past her window).

This is the extreme end of the pity party that narcissistic people will use to emotionally manipulate their partners. Ultimately, their goal is to position themselves as victims and you as the villain. It's a highly successful tactic in partners with low self-esteem and over-extended empathy.

Threat of exposure

Every relationship has secrets. Life is tough and we all do things we're not proud of. Sometimes, those things are bad and sometimes those things are not that bad. Either becomes easy ammunition for the narcissist who is seeking to manipulate you. That's why they use "threat of exposure" against you. Narcissists take whatever their partners are ashamed of and threaten to expose it to the world.

Example: "I'll show the world the worst part of you…I will destroy you in the eyes of others… No one will want you once they see you as I see you. You will be alone forever because there is something terrible about you everyone will see."

Shame is the motivating mechanism here. The narcissist's threats are clear. In exposing you to others, they will strip you of your self-esteem. Worse, they will isolate you and leave you on an island entirely by yourself. It's a scary reality for the partner who is carrying an open heart with their narcissistic partner (and a lot of internal shame).

Major shame

External shame does a lot of hard work for the narcissist. But they are perfectly happy to direct that shame within the walls of the relationship to achieve the same manipulative ends. This works on two ends for the narcissist. First, it helps them to destroy their partner's self-esteem. Second, it utilizes fear to keep the victim silent or complacent.

Examples: "You're such a bad person…You are a weak person…If you don't do what I want I'll punish you and you'll crumble because you're a worthless person who couldn't be loved by anyone else."

Triggers are everywhere. When the narcissist uses this type of emotional manipulation, they create a bubble of shame over the victim. Use this too much and the victim may come to believe that they are worthless. They can even begin to feel guilty for being authentically themselves or having emotions altogether.

Totally unlovable

Narcissistic partners and spouses operate within a hierarchy. At the top, they place themselves. Immediately below them is the partner (or family member) most willing to comply with their demands. It works down from there. How is the narcissist able to create these devastating pyramids? By lowering the self-worth of their victims.

Example: "No one else would ever love you…You are flawed and unlovable…If you leave you will never find someone like me again."

Narcissists teach their victims that they are lowly and unlovable. Why? It allows them to stay in control. Worse, it makes their victims weaker. As victims internalize these lies, their self-esteem plummets. This affects their ability to stand up for themselves, defend their boundaries, or otherwise express their needs and emotions.

Absolute destruction

There is a subsect of narcissists who don't deal in any of the sublties above (at least not for long). For this type of toxic partner, the best option for manipulation is fear. They move through their relationships like tyrants. Threats and terror is their greatest method of motivation and control. Always on the table is absolute destruction.

Example: "You do what I want or I'll destroy you and everything you love in this life…I'll harm your friends and family…I will interfere in your career…I will harm you physically."

It's always defcon-five with the narcissistic partner. Unfortunately, this is one of the nartural cycles of their relationships. Once the partner refuses to comply or give over power, they become a threat to the narcissist. Fearing exposure, they believe they are justified in creatively destroying their victims in the most emotionally devastating ways.

The best ways to defeat a narcissist's attempts to control you.

No one has to settle for the manipulations of a narcissist. Contrary to what they claim, they are relatively powerless individuals with paper-thin egos built on top of major insecurities. From an emotional standpoint, they're teenagers without empathy. By building self-esteem, re-educating yourself, and setting better boundaries you can defeat them.

• Build self-esteem: There is no better armor against a narcissist's manipulations than high self-esteem. It's like having an omnipotent perspective of the narcissistic partner's attempts to control you. The higher your self-esteem the better eqiupped you are to stand up for yourself.
• Re-educate yourself: Narcissistic people are pathological. They tell pathological lies, they build pathological delusions around themselves and their relationships. For you to navigate your way out of the "nightmare" you need to understand how they behave. Re-educate is necessary.
• Set better boundaries: Boundaries are a must when dealing with a narcissistic person. The ultimate boundary (and only guarantee) against a narcissist is no contact, but other more emotional boundaries can also work. The point is to draw the line and never, ever allow them across that line of self-protection and fulfillment.

Arm yourself in high self-esteem and set out to re-educate yourself about narcissism and manipulation. Every situation is different. Some of the toxic mindgames are going to be subtle. Other forms of manipulation are going to be rooted in fear and insecurity. Fall for none of it.

Set the boundaries that protect you from the worst of the narcissistic person's gameplaying. This might look like going no-contact entirely. For other people, it's more about putting the relationship into a different box. The goal is emotional safety. Protect yourself and your mental wellbeing from the narcissistic person in your life.

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There's nothing noble in allowing someone else to control you. That's especially true in the case of a narcissistic person. Allowing them to sink their hooks into your life won't change them, it won't inspire them to get better, and it certainly won't create empathy in them. They want to control you for their own benefit. The cost to be paid is you.

Take this as your call to action (and a chance to make a change). If you're trapped and tied to a narcissist start making that transformation now. You're worthy. You're lovable. There are people out there who will treat you with respect. Focus your energy on those people and on loving yourself more than the manipulations of the narcissist in your life.

© E.B. Johnson 2023