Dreams and Anxieties

I woke up gasping, fearing for my life. It was yet again another bad dream. It is amazing how waking life can come to bed with you. The mind, amazing in its creation, tries to piece together and foretell the potential outcome of or present an interpretation of your current life situation. Maybe you are being pursued by a stalker, running from something or someone, wrapped in snakes, losing teeth, or falling. If you are someone who remembers their dreams vividly, you will understand what I'm talking about. At some point, we've all experienced it.

Dream interpretations have occurred for centuries. Even Biblical scholars will point out dream interpretations by God, "His" chosen people, or mystics. Through Joseph's dream interpretation for the mighty pharaoh, he attained wealth and power. His own dreams were also part of what sentenced him to perceived doom when his brothers intended to leave him for dead, but instead sold him into slavery. Guess he should have been more careful about sharing those pompous, jealousy inspiring dreams. Dreams can damn us or save us. They are both scientific and supernatural. They can help us communicate with the dead, our past selves, or even have an out-of-body experience. Dreams are remarkable. When you have a great one, you treasure it. When you have a nightmare, it is jarring. Dreams related to anxiety are almost always nightmares that range in severity.

In the middle of the night, I awoke gasping in my waking life as much as my dream life. I had been driving my car when I came upon a part of the interstate I travel frequently: the area after the exit to the mall and before the hospital. I had continued past the exit to the mall, on my way to a doctor appointment or the hospital, all located in the same vicinity. I saw the road work signs and traffic cones. What I saw next horrified me. The signs and cones were on the opposite side of the bridge. A piece of the bridge was missing, and in its place was a gaping black abyss laid out before my vehicle. I could not stop. I had time to think about the road work signs, the traffic cones, and wonder why they were on the other side and not before the hole. Those were the fleeting real-time thoughts I had. The one that quickly followed was that I would plunge to my doom, and there was nothing I could do. I hoped foolishly that the tires on my car would cushion my fall and that the underbelly of my vehicle would still allow me to survive. The next thought I had was that the likelihood of that occurring was slim to none. I didn't see how it ended. I awoke after the "survival is slim to none" realization. Maybe I was dead, maybe I would survive, but I would not know the true ending of that dream even if I went back to sleep. Part of me thought it was better not to know.

Driving can symbolize a need to feel in control of one's circumstance or direction. It is something I have recently been trying to achieve although I've been placed in many situations beyond my control lately. The road you travel indicates your direction or approach to something in your life. The road ahead of you can symbolize your future. I suppose my future is unknown and under construction. My present seems to be unknown, but dark and swallowing me whole; much like my current depression.

The dream I had following this first experience, was one of interpersonal conflict. Wednesday was the day I was dreading in my waking life: a meeting with my supervisor who had already been piling more tasks on my plate. It was something I had called my mother about after my supervisor and I had a brief confrontation over the phone. I talked with my mother because she had been in similar situations before, and had handled it. After she gave me some advice, she asked to watch my son on Thursday.

I was looking forward to a day of somewhat relaxation on Thursday, the day I took off from work. I needed a haircut and had finally committed to those lavender highlights I had been wanting for two years. I previously had an appointment scheduled to get my son's haircut over a week ago. That was before my husband caught Covid-19, so we canceled and rescheduled for the weekend after quarantine. My son's hair is much longer than I would like because it is in his face. My father disliked any boy having long hair. I recall the terrible fit he threw when my younger brother had a Nike swish in the back of his head at six years old. His hair wasn't even long, but our dad still had a colossal meltdown. Why is this pertinent?

In my dream it wasn't my supervisor I was having an argument with; it was my mother! I brought my son over for her to watch just like we planned, but she immediately attacked our hair. She informed me, "Your father would be incredibly disappointed and angry that you let your son's hair grow so long. You should be ashamed of not only it, but the highlights you are getting. Do you have any idea how badly he hated funky dyed hair? What would possess you to do such a thing? He would be rolling in his grave."

I looked at my mother in the dream with malice, and responded, "Well, my father is dead, and I suppose it is a good thing in this case."

This, of course, upset her. They didn't have a good or loving marriage, but her attitude changed when my dad was murdered only a year and a half ago. We had finally just gotten through the court proceedings. What I told her was something I wouldn't have said in waking life, but still may have thought. I knew it would insight conflict, which I generally avoided with family. I had enough time to look at the clock and see it was past the time I could change my mind and take my son to daycare. He would have to stay with my mother, or I would have to take him with me to my appointments. I also wondered if I was stuck there for the day, yet another well intended day caked in misery due to conflict. Afterward, I woke up.

After those two dreams, I didn't look forward to going back to sleep. I had two bad dreams before 3am and had gone to bed after 10pm. I persuaded myself into thinking I wouldn't have another, but I did. This one, thankfully, wasn't as bad. I was waiting at a hair salon, but it didn't look like my usual stylist's salon. Instead, it looked more like a soup kitchen or refugee site. Several people were waiting inside. My stylist came out of her workstation, told me she still needed to take her lunch break and asked if I wanted to wait or use the hairdresser that was currently available. I told her I would wait. The other hairstylist came to talk with me along with the waiting clients. The seating areas were full, and we were sitting in the floor. After an hour the other stylist said, "She sure is taking her sweet time. I wonder if she will get back to you. I know you wanted to wait, but maybe you should just let me do your hair." I consented and told her if my usual stylist wasn't back within a half-hour she could cut my hair.

My stylist returned a half hour later with a lackadaisical attitude. She proceeded to tell me about all her work frustrations, and how she was considering moving on after her boss had been giving her grief. I listened as she chatted about moving on to another salon. I told her to please let me know so I could follow her there as a client. She said she would as the lavender highlights I wanted turned to deep purple. I saw another batch of color mixed up, but it was green. I watched with horror as she painted the hair next to the purple sections with green dye. She had been so frustrated she was just doing what she wanted at this point. This wasn't what I wanted, but I couldn't move or speak to protest. How was I going to explain this to my boss or get out of this situation? By the time I woke up, it was 5 a.m. I was not going back to sleep, so I decided to get up and write, dreading the workday I had in store.

The reason I wanted lavender highlights was to symbolize peace and tranquility in my life. It wasn't as much about the color as it was the plant. I enjoy lavender lattes, teas, body washes, etc. and find them comforting. My color choice was related to that comfort I desired. I wanted to overcome the obstacles in my life. I had never colored my hair aside from subtle highlights, lowlights, or temporary hair gel color. Every time I wanted to try something different, I backed out and changed direction. I was nervous about how it would work out this time, but I was committed to foll0wing through regardless of the outcome. I wanted to be strong, bold, and courageous and this small step forward was a part of that.

After investigating this hair dream, I found that it symbolized a lot of current themes in my life. Changing your hair color or appearance can mean you are concerned about what others think or are trying to express a genuine version of yourself. In my case, my personality had never been accepted by my current employer or family, but I was emerging from my shell anyway despite my fears. My desire to be authentic was surpassing my desire to "lay low" and fit everyone else's demands. This was the reason for my conflict with my mother and my supervisor.

Waiting at the hair salon shows a need to change your attitude towards something or someone. It can also mean you have a negative outlook on life and is a warning to be more positive. My hairstylist in the dream represented that attitude and negative outlook, but I refused to switch to the other stylist because of my loyalty to her. This dream portion also demonstrated that my current approach isn’t working well for me the need to change my life's direction. In waking life, I was trying to stay loyal to my workplace and family. I didn't want to leave or reach for the unfamiliar, but it was becoming obvious that something needed to give.

Visiting a hairdresser is about change and dreaming of one usually means you are ready for it. It can be linked to your desire to impress others, especially if it is something you wouldn't ordinarily like. This can mean you are presenting to be someone you are not. For me, the haircut in this dream meant that I had been conforming to others' standards and pretending to meet them. I had been relatively cautious in my selections previously when inside, I'm wanting to be a more confident version of myself.

Cutting one's hair represents the desire to recreate one's life and is directly connected to our self-confidence. When you are unhappy with your haircut, you feel powerless and your confidence sinks, but you still have to live with the results. My concern and horror was about how to explain my hair to my boss and others. I also felt powerless when I was unable to tell my hairstylist that it wasn't what I wanted.

My hairdresser in real life, the same one in my dream, had often told me that I was much edgier than she thought when she met me. She was excited when I told her I loved the music the salon was playing, and we discussed emo, rock, goth, and metal bands. I asked if she liked A.F.I. and requested a less drastic version of the "Miss Murder" haircut the lead singer had in the music video, and she was stoked. She thought I was someone who wouldn't mind her creativity, so when she started doing what she wanted in the dream she thought I personally wouldn't mind. She was getting her angsty energy out via my scalp! Instead, I felt like no one was listening to me, but the same stylist did know my edgier side and was bringing it out further for the world to see whether I wanted the world to see it or not.

My dreams stirred up many similar emotions, despite being different. The themes in each were still related to one another although the events, activities, people, and objects were all different. All parts were a manifestation of my subconscious and conscious mind. It brought to life the things that were worrying me that I tried to bury. You can run and you can hide from many parts of waking life, but you can't run from your dreams. As for me, it looks like I've got some changes I need to make in my life and I'm finally accepting that reality. I can no longer sweep it under the rug. For now, I'm taking a rest from the rest of the world's wants and desires and focusing on inner peace. By the way, I did get those lavender highlights and they turned out just fine!