Creating the Past

The party is still raging on behind her. Aresa hated being around drunk people. The smell of alcohol on breath is gross, which is invariably mixed with dead cigarette smell and also just as usual was the smell of ripe skunk.

Aresa removed herself to the front of the beautiful ship. She could be alone to watch nature taking it's course in the form of a breathtaking sunset being put to bed by a rising moon.

She let out a sigh of relief, exhale nasty, inhale fresh.... exhale nasty , inhale fresh. She lowered herself onto. the much to soft, cushion of the mahogany bench covering her tiny frame with a cashmere throw. She loosed her long violet hair, surrendering it to gentle breezes and soft watery sprays. She put her chin in her hand and gazed over through the railing to see the ripples of water. She liked to listen, to hear what it had to say each day. She watched as the metal of the ship cut through the darkness causing the water to say, " There has to be still to hear movement make sense." She knew that she had been quiet for as long as she could be. It was time for life to start to make sense again.

She reached out as if to touch the water, which of course was impossible just as it was impossible to touch her husband, her children. her marriage. She could only touch them in her memory. and that still just hurt to much.

She wasn't Rose and her Jack was gone. The babies had drowned as if they had been just passengers and she was the Titanic. The " WHY!!!" have faded but the would never be totally gone. Shed survived, but again, why? What's the plan?

Aresa had reconciled herself to the processes of life and of death her husband, her babies had as well but , why? Why were they meant to be apart. Why on opposite sides? Aresa had always believed that dying meant that your Earthly purpose had been met. That meant, that although her babies were born out of tragedy they each only needed a few hours on Earth before they returned to heaven. The tears for her loves fell as they always did in this quiet reflective nights. This trip wasn't just a vacation. It was taking her to a brand new life.

The swirling water was always an odd kind of comfort. It proved that even with the force of the ship cutting hard into the water it could still create peace and beauty in the rings that formed. Those rings grew and grew until they were stopped by other waters. The purpose was to take on chaos and make it a new normal. Yes, it was still the same water. The same water of the Atlantic but each time the chaos of the ship caused the water to swish wildly the residents that called the ocean home were moved around violently, some of them would not survive: just as her babies would not live neither would the smallest of creatures of the sea. The survivors would have to learn to live with this in the way that sea creatures do they would have to rebuild and move on. She was moving on, she would see about rebuilding.

The moon above the sun, the wind in her hair, the splash on her face were all symbols of what her new normal could be. Deliberate, yet free cool and soothing. She allowed these revelations to dry her tears. It was not a time for tears now. It was a time to look forward and be positive.

The acceptance that we all are born from water meant that this trip through water was her rebirth. There was nothing ahead, there was nothing behind just the scenery, well, what could be seen in the dark. She watched her ship almost seem to lurch forward. She mused that this was the push against the water like the push she felt as she labored to deliver the twins. Those distinctive rings mirrored again her loss. The love of her life her husband who she missed in different ways daily. She missed his touch, his smile, the way he looked when she teased him about looking like an " old man" in the glasses he had to use to read. She stood up to look over the rail and saw the faces she loved so much. They were smiling today. In the beginning there were no smiles. There was only her pain. She couldn't see them at all. They were happy now. Those beautiful twins, smiling with Daddy. Suddenly the water was saying, " We're all right. Go and be happy. We'll see you when it's time."

The moon was high in the sky, full, brilliant and bright. The party was starting to quiet down.

She didn't want to engage anyone right now. She wanted to sit with her family for just a while longer. The new life was coming faster and faster. She didn't know when she was going to see them again. She just wanted to finish her conversation. The sea was telling her that there was life to be live. She was only 32. The sea knows chaos can hurt us deeply but at the end of the day the residents had to learn to rebuild and move on... to follow it's path, it's purpose. because it was still alive. So was she.

She began to sway with the softer music of the party that complimented the sea. She let her bare feet move against the deck. It's hard to be graceful on a moving ship but she didn't care. This dance was for those watching her from heaven. She twirled like a ballerina for her lost lover, she stumbled like a toddler for her babies. She smiled a real smile not the forced one that she used to get nosey people to shut up when they brought up that day. It had been three years since she was left all alone in the world amongst too many friends and family with platitudes and pity. They did their best but she didn't want their best she wanted her family back. She lived those years as if she were dead. She saw very few people, eventually they stopped trying. The therapy, the sadness, anger, guilt, fury, depression. She tossed it out. it all out onto the horizon. She had written love notes to them on seashells, so as not to disturb the very ocean she loved.

Yes, her loves would always be with her but just as the moon would finish the day for the sun she would let her new normal finish the old. Darkness had not been her friend these three years. It meant sadness, loneliness. and tears. Aresa looked up and apologized to the dark. " Moon, you are the disco ball that brings stars out to play. Aresa was ready to be alive like a star in the dark. She was letting some of her light out again. It would be slow for now. Sunshine always returns. It has too. She let out one more deep sigh, twirled one more swirled right into the strong arms that waited for her. She placed her head against his broad chest. breathed in his cologne. It was just where she wanted to be. She hoped she'd be with him forever. He hugged her tightly causing new tears to fall. He knew she was feeling guilty for crying for her past when he was her future. He was so kind, so generous, so gentle. She hadn't even realized that she was falling in love during her grief. She pushed those thoughts away whenever she felt them. She believed it was only the loneliness. She didn't want to hurt anyone. He was persistent. My goodness, was he persistent. He was her constant companion. He listened to her cry over and over mourning her babies, her love. He was also a very patient man who knew what he wanted and what he wanted was her. He wanted to share her pain. It was a part of her and he wanted her to know it was okay to talk about them with him. The three years she took to let herself grieve were worth every minute on that particular eve.

When the tears had ended his shirt was soaked. He lifted her face up to his to see the look on her face. It wasn't the same smile that he loved. It was a new one. She had purged much guilt that night. She was suddenly more free. He knew now that the wait was everything it was meant to be. He said, " Honey, I have something to tell you." his voice sounded grim. The smile faded away. " Honey, You might want to die your roots. The top of your head is starting to show some gray. "

Their laughter was heard by the others who remained. She stood on her tip toes to kiss this sweet man. He was going to be the best part of her new normal to celebrate as the sun came up to give the moon it's rest.