Change IS Good

I started this new thing for myself for the month of October and I am really excited to try it out. I call it “Focus Points.” I put all my main points for the month on one page, whether it be a quote or something I want to focus on. It also includes a book to read and a personal development book for the month because I don’t want to push myself so far when I just started. I want to ease myself into it, so I don’t set myself up for failure. I have also included two worksheets to help me figure out who I am. I think I lost myself somewhere along the way in life and I want to bring myself back.

I have been blogging for such a long time and for the longest time, it was just a journal for me. A way to get my feelings out, but then I became a mom and I realized, why not blog about my adventures as a mom. My ups and my downs and where my life has taken me. The problem is, I don’t know where life has taken me because I feel like I am spinning in circles. I am standing still and not making progress. I realized something else though, I am the only one that can change myself.

The first thing I had to do was cut out toxic relationships and that had to start with my sperm donor. I filed for full custody in March and I have to say I have been a nervous wreck ever since, but it’s almost over and he’s almost out of my life for good. He’s not in her life and doesn’t want to be but he can’t seem to stay out of mine. I know this case ending will be the end of a chapter and one very toxic relationship.

The next thing I had to do was cut out a very toxic friendship. Someone who I cared for but knew I would never go anywhere continuing a friendship with. I cut it cold turkey and at first it was hard because she still contacted me but slowly the contact stopped and just like that I felt some peace, some relief that I would be ok and I would make it back from the slump I’ve been in.

When I became a mom, I knew I was going to be alone and I thought my life had to stop. I wanted to focus on being the best mom I could be for my daughter, but how was I to do that when I wasn’t being the best version of myself. These changes didn’t happen overnight, and I know I will continue to struggle, but I’m more positive about the struggle now and more eager to change. Change is good, just embrace it and let it happen because when it finally does, its awesome. You can only change yourself and you have to want to change.

The change comes from within and wanting to make changes is hard. I started with myself and that included my health and fitness. My weight was a big unhappiness for me. I felt like a failure for gaining so much weight after graduating from high school. I stopped exercising, stopped eating right, and just really let myself go. I had the chance to lose weight and feel better about myself but I didn't because I was so sick during my pregnancy that I took advantage of being able to enjoy food again. I gained more weight after having my daughter. I had just had my heart broken by the man I loved for the final time and I didn't know how to pick the pieces up and move on. I worked on being the best mother I could be and eating healthy was not part of that focus.

I never regret anything because I have learned a lesson from the things that have happened to me in my life. I will not look back five years from now and think I could of changed then. So, I am choosing to change now, so when I do look back in five years I can be proud of my life and the things have done to accomplish change and reach my fullest potential.