You Were Never "Better Off Dead" Because the 1980's Were So Rad

Cusack Strikes Out With This 80's Flop

What do you do when your kid brother gets laid more often then you? I mean, your brother's in a room full of hookers, your ex is riding the slopes with another man while your busy trying to off yourself. 

This was the life story of a young man called Lane (John Cusack) in this not-yet-ready-for-primetime film.

Now, when I originally watched this movie, I only caught the last 45 minutes of it and I really dug the movie so I went back to watch the rest of it.

Big mistake on my part. 

The first half of the film is much to be desired and that's putting it kindly. 

To be honest, it seemed like a lot of filler was placed in this picture just so it could be released as a full-length movie. 

They would've done better by just selling it as a short movie down at your local Blockbuster. 

Remember those stores?! God, I miss them. Sheds tear. 

Okay, a little bit about the movie. 

Well, the movie's called "Better Off Dead" directed by Savage Steve Holland.

The fact it's directed by a guy named Savage explains the chaotic first half of this film much more clearly. 

The film stars John Cusack as the lead who plays a character named Lane. 

Lane's heart is shattered into a million pieces when his ex breaks up with him in order to date the popular jock at school. 

Cues up violin.

It's pretty much the same mumbo jumbo we'd come to expect from an 80's flick.

A heartbroken Lane tries his very best to off himself on numerous occasions throughout the film but to no awail.

Hence, the film title. 

It just seems like he can never do anything right until he meets this French chick who turns his life around for the better.

That lame ass synopsis of the film will be the most engaged you will be watching this flick because it's all downhill from here. 

With no further do, let's dim the lights and fire up the projector and get on with the review, shall we?!

Now, why the hell is this woman screaming?! 

Oh, it's part of an animation. 

I guess I'd scream too if a giant booger picked me up and carried me away. 

No wonder I never watched the first 45 minutes of this movie because this shit's mad corny. 

Well, at least animation part is. 

This was back when Cusack was knocking them out the park. 

The man couldn't miss in the 1980's even with that "Say Anything" bullshit. 

Holds up boombox. 

Wow, this dude has a ton of pictures in his room of this one woman. 

He's not crushing, he's stalking. 

Even Jeffrey Dahmer would tell him, "that's a little too much my dude." 

Alright, at some point can we get to the movie. 

I'm getting really tired of looking at pictures of this Patti Hearst-looking broad. 

FINALLY, we're into the movie. THANK YOU!

Don't tell me this dude's going to take a shower with this broad's picture in there with him?!

This man has got it bad!

Matter of fact, the motherfucker's head is so far gone that he's getting into the shower with his socks still on and it's mismatched socks at that!

This kid has the worse arm I've ever seen for a paperboy. 

I guess that explains why he's a paperboy in the first place and not manning the outfield for the Dodgers.

This must be the "Paperboy from Hell."

He's like a cross between Damien from "The Omen" & "the Soup Nazi" all in one small body.

All I know is this kid had one time to break my window.

Anything more and I'm taking him and his loser ass parents to court immediately.

Gotta love those Red Tip Photinias!. I planted a few back at my old place. 

Those things are so beautiful year round especially when they're in full bloom.

Wait a minute?! Is that Linda Blair?

LMAO. I was going to refer to her as the girl from"The Exorcist" who had green shit flying out her mouth at first.

Speaking of an exorcist, that punk on the bike could really use one real badly and some sun. 

What the hell did she just put on her husband's plate?! 

It looks like the same shit she threw up in "The Exorcist."

She might be a good actress but she sucks as a housewife. 

Don't quit your day job, babe!

This dude has been blow-drying his hair since the Carter Administration.

Now, he's blow drying his socks? 

Dickweed, you were supposed to take the motherfuckers off before you got in the shower. 

"The Son of Sam" had better manners then this "Einstein" right here. 

Yeah, this dude's way past being a stalker. 

He's on the "Ted Bundy" side of the game right here. 

The closet full of Betty's is a tad bit much. Just a tad. 

You remember when I said earlier about how Cusack couldn't miss?

Well, he airballed this mofo right here. 

Not just any airball, I'm talking John Starks in the 1994 NBA Finals type of production right here. 

He was laying so many bricks you would've thought he was a mason. 

We get our first sneak peak at the French chick. Ooooh, oui, oui!

She can ditch the baseball cap though. 

I'm not trying to go on a date with Sandy Koufax, darling. 

The Asian kid from Karate Kid II does an excellent Howard Cosell impression.

The old, fat Porky the Pig looking man from "Porkys'" is in this too?!

They just have an ensemble cast for this "classic" piece of shitema. Oops, I mean cinema. 

Sorry to tell you this, Lane but your Princess has found herself a new tadpole to hop on. 

She even took your 10 x 5 glossy out the frame and tossed it in the trash. 

Good picture though. Olan Mills must've took it. 

Her new beau can ski his ass off and you can tell by the way Betty's licking her lips that she's just as impressed too.

Yeah, she's gone, pal and never coming back.

Well, she'll probably be "coming" just not with you. 

Yep, she has, as the great Patrice O'Neal would say, "better dealed you, bro."

He looks kind of old though. 

He has to be at least 36. Plus, he looks like a real douche.

Oooh, she's giving him the old "we need to talk" shit. That ain't ever good.

I see an awfully lot of dirt spots on that floor, Linda Blair.

Damn! You can't vacuum either? You must be like a tiger in the sack.

It must feel like being with Vanessa Del Rio & Ginger Lynn at the same time. 

Otherwise, what good are you?!

• Sidenote: That lady is NOT Linda Blair. She's a Kim Darby according to imdb.com. Never heard of her. You sure that's not Linda Blair because she looks awfully a lot like her?!

• Another sidenote: Speaking of imdb, the fat dude that was picking his boogers in front of the French girl is none other then Dan Schneider. That's right folks! The same Dan Schneider from "Quiet on the Set" fame or infamy. It all makes sense now because the guy was throwing off creepy vibes even back then. (allegedly)

Ahh, well. Back to the movie.

Lane's thinking back to when he first met his ex.

You know this is in the 1980's because they're showing the actual brands of the soda cans in this scene. 

Nowadays, you can't do that without clearing more hurdles then a track & field athlete in 1988's Seoul Korea. 

He's wondering why she's wiggling her noise.

Well, maybe she has a 15,000 dollar a day coke habit. 

And I'm not talking about the real deal Coke either but the coke of the "Tony Montana" variety. 

See, Lane? Your relationship was doomed from the very start. 

She did you a big favor, bro. 

Plus, this woman is built like the same skis you were using on the slopes earlier. 

"Ooooh, honey?! The Paper Boy from Hell has returned!" 

"That'll be 2 dollars."

Homie looks like an extra from "The Children of the Corn."

Oh, how I miss the era of the pull-out radio! You were the man back then if you had one of those joints. 

Oh snap! The dude from "Ghost" is in this. 

Remember, "the dead guy" who was hopping trains and pushed Swayze off of his train? 

Yeah, that guy. He plays a teacher in this film. 

They pan around the classroom and I see a lad that looks a lot like a young Mike Golic. 

Lane's sitting in class with a terrifed look on his face.

He's got this, "I have the chick of my dreams laying in bed but I only have two and half inches to give her" look on his face. 

Yeah, that kind of fear. 

Ooooh. He must be worried about some type of test.

Now, you know this is not a real school because you don't see students pulling out file cabinets and 650 lb. binders filled with paper. 

The youngins were never that eager. 

Not even in the so-called "smart" classes. 

Yeah, this movie's garbageeeeeee. (Say it in a Marv Albert font for desired effect)

Cusack should've passed on this one. 

He should've told the director, 

"I think I'm gonna sit this one out, Steve. I'm going to wait until "Stand by Me" to comes into production."

The teacher called him up to the front of the class to solve an equation. 

I hated when teachers would call you up to the board. 

I'm like, aren't you the teacher? Don't they pay you that miserable, ass salary to………well, teach?! Smh.

Anyways, he's up there fantasizing about the first time he and Beth "did the deed."

Or did they?!

Apparently, the condom broke and she started flipping out while the tires off his car were being stolen.

This motherfucker has worse luck then Bill Buckner. 

Watching this movie is like having diarrhea because this shit's going all over the place. 

And I thought I was bi-polar. 

This movie had to be filmed in some unparalled universe because none of this shit's realistic.

You know it's bad when "Booger" from "Revenge of the Nerds" is giving you life advice. 

The two plot on how he can get Beth back as the teacher asks him to stay after class to have a talk with him.

This is the kind of teacher you don't ever want to be alone with. 

Plus, they're whole dialogue was awkward as fuck. 

It took the teacher 12 minutes to ask him that weird question. 

They could've axed that from the movie.

Hell, they could've axed the whole fucking film from what I've seen thus far.

They show the french chick seated in the cafeteria sandwiched between two losers. 

You like how I threw that pun in there? Sandwich? Cafeteria? People eat food in the cafeteria?

Yeah. I know I'm the shit just like this movie. 

Okay, back to the two losers. 

One is the booger picker/(alleged) predator from earlier and two, a guy called "Booger." 

Need I say anymore?!

Also, why are these guys sniffing jello up their noses like it's premium grade white from "the Golden Triangle?"

Where's Crockett & Tubbs when you need them because we got ourselves a couple of future perps right here!

Roy might be able to ski the "K12" but he can't sing for shit. 

He sounds like Dean Martin when he's had one, two or ten too many.

The best part of this cafeteria scene is when Lane accidentally strips the "head" cheerleader naked.

Now, the basketball team's not going to like that very much since she's "coaching" all of them.

Hey, I guess you got to take a beat down to get over the woman you love and to make for a better movie because right now, I'm struggling to get through this shit. 

Plus, it's always great seeing some T&A. 

Lane's trying to off himself again but he even sucks at that.

I see the problem here. The dude has no confidence or sense of self-worth.

Wow! Is this man really going to off himself on Christmas Day?!

Well, his woman did insinuate to him on a phone call about his "shortcomings." That's been known to push a man over the edge a time or two.

She also gifted him an extremely, small teddy bear and said it reminded her of him. 

Plus, the bear was so small you really couldn't call it a teddy bear but more like a ted bear or ted b. 

You have to leave a few words out for how miniscule that thing was.

Back to the movie. 

The mom of the jello-sniffing kid is kinda hot. A little too much makeup for my taste but still sorta hot nevertheless.

I wonder is that her whole chest or is it just a big titty suit she has on.

You know, just how actors put on fat suits to look fat. Well, some actresses put on tit suits to make themselves more "voluptuous."

If it ain't, then she's got one helluva rack. 

Back in my day, we called that a bosom. 

Lane's dad in this film looks just like John Cusack. That might be his father in real life.

Let me check imdb. 

Presses pause on my Sony Betamax player. 

No, his dad was played by actor, David Ogden Stiers. 

He passed some years ago. RIP. 

The one thing this movie has going for itself is its superb casting. 

Everything else, not so much. 

Beth is mighty popular for a lady with two backs. 

Must be a shortage of chicks in that area. Geez.

Lane's father gets his son to agree to go on a blind date. 

Lane readies himself for the date and refers to himself as "real stud."

Ahh, the 80's. That was back when that term meant something totally different then what it does today. 

The chick his father set him up with kinda looks like Gina Gershon with a big ass overbite. 

The performer at the school dancing function looks like Kelly Clarkson. You know, if you gave her that 1980's hotness surrounded by the hue of cocaine, they could be dopplegangers.

It's ironic that "Booger" is in this film because this "Roy" character resembles Stan (Ted McGinley) from "Revenge of the Nerds."

They could be brothers. Who knows?!

It wouldn't shock me in the least bit if they approaced McGinley about doing the film too. 

He knew it was going to be a piece of shit and turned down the role.

Homie would rather do 18 more "ROTN" sequels then appear in this heaping pile of horse manure.

Wow! The french chick just ran down and knocked Lane's ass over. 

Now I know she wanted to get far the fuck away from that jello-sniffing, fat kid but damn. 

It's just not Lane's night at all. The poor kid can't catch a break.

On top of that, he's been stalked by the paperboy who's not going to stop until he gets his "2 dollars." 

I bet this guy went on to become an IRS agent but even they don't fret like that over two lousy bucks. 

I must say this young lady's quite equipped with all kinds of skills.

First, she throws a better fast ball then Nolan Ryan.

The way she hit that "no parking sign" with that pear was right on the money.

The Brooklyn dodgers should sign her.

Secondly, she apparently knows her away around a tool shed.

Nothing like a woman who can handle a 12 inch…………………………………………….….wrench. A woman after my own heart.

She did one heck of a job on that car too.

She took it from a hooptie to having it look like one of those Jay Leno collectible type of cars. 

I wonder if this lady's still around and knows anything about programming PCM's because I could certainly use her help right about now.

Ahh, the microwave. One of man's greatest inventions.

This device right here has made many men feel like Wolfgang Puck after preparing one of those succulent "Lonely Man" dinners.

That french gal was eating that microwave steak like it was Ruth's Chris.

Outside of this monstrousity of a fucked-up film, Cusack made out alright in the great 80's.

The guy did have his fair share of popular films during that time period. Now he's playing the saxophone for his French "friend."

Here comes the race that Cusack's been dreading. 

I'm calling it right now; I think the young cat's going to be victorious.

Those are some really cool looking ski shoes they have on.

And he won. Stands up and starts the slow clap. Anybody else with me?

Smh! You guys ain't no fun, lmao.

Well, I see his ex came running back to ole' Lane.

Smdh! WOMEN!

When we're losing, your feebleminded asses head out the nearest exit you can find but once we start kicking ass and taking names, you all want to come back in the picture, kissing up to us and talking that;

"You're the best, Ricky. I always knew you could do it."

B*tch please! Forget all that.

I'm going to get my French lady and show her the real Eiffel tower.

Cusack leaves that lying ass broad and chases after his woman which causes an impromtu ski fight to break out between him and the big-boned, jello-sniffing kid with Lane coming out on top. 

In a cinematically, victorious moment, he lifts up his prize and heads off.

Even though the big guy lost, he met himself a young lady so that should take some of the sting away from the defeat for a minute.

Plus, he left his overbearing mother right where she belongs. 

Right in the snow on the alps.

Scene cuts away with Cusack's character enjoying the fruits of his labor kissing his woman.

The moral of the story here is for every man to always have faith in himself and to get yourself a French woman at least one time in your life that says, "ooh! Oui,oui!" #BonAppetit

One last thing, do NOT watch this movie from beginning to end. 

Just watch the last 45 minutes of it and you'll be more then entertained.

Otherwise, if you were to try watching this entire film, you will be looking like the zombie kid AKA "Paperboy from Hell" at the end. 

Don't say I didn't warn you! 

Now, after reviewing this shit, "that'll be 2 DOLLARS."