The Unreturned Affection

I long for a life where I can spend my days with someone I effortlessly connect with.

Once, there was a boy I had a crush on. When infatuated, it’s easy to become a little loud. Every day, I’d meticulously plan various topics for conversation with him, all the while trying to hide my true feelings, pretending that I had a genuine reason to approach him.

I’d put in extra effort to surprise him with small gestures daily, and I was always ready to assist him in both our daily lives and work. However, he didn’t share my romantic sentiments.

Despite being different from the stereotypical “girlfriends” who are solely affectionate, I could be tender and loving in our everyday interactions, as well as offer sincere input during work discussions. I could have been his romantic partner or a close friend, the one who truly understood and supported him, but my feelings weren’t reciprocated.

In love, I’m a tenacious and competitive person, constantly thinking about his words and tailoring my conversations to his liking.

I’d tirelessly search for new topics to share with him and unknowingly pivot most of my conversations towards him. Even though he often responded with a simple “Oh,” I spoke about him enthusiastically to my friends.

However, during a dinner with one friend, I was asked if I ever got tired of chasing after him. I was encouraged to delve into his interests, such as discussing customer collaborations, instead of fixating on love. These words gave me pause and led to deep reflection. Upon careful consideration, I realized that the one-sided nature of our relationship was abnormal. His lack of response to my messages made me question myself incessantly, and the situation became increasingly frustrating.

He remained unaware that the once lively me had turned cold, and his hot-and-cold behavior affected my mood profoundly. This one-sided love, where I gave without receiving, started to wear me out.

Such love proved too consuming, and as I grew older, I found it increasingly challenging to endure the complexities it brought. In both forming friendships and falling in love, I value one thing above all else: the ability to coexist without mutual exhaustion. I’ve decided to change my approach.

No longer will I impulsively dive headfirst into love without considering the consequences.

My affection for him, his fearlessness, and his demeanor made me want to be kind to him. But now, I seek mutual comfort, where we can be together in silence without feeling awkward or that our time together is burdensome.

Thanks for your reading!