The Sin Box

As I packed my suitcase, carefully placing my belongings so as not to wrinkle them, I opened my Sin Box. The newspaper clipping was still in it. After all these years, many things in my Sin Box had come and gone. Either I had forgiven myself or righted the wrong, but I had done neither regarding Roy Winters.

I started the Sin Box right after it happened, along with a Blessing Box and an Abundance Box. All the boxes have served their purpose well. The Blessing Box is used to put the names of people that need blessings in life. I simply write their name on a little slip of paper and put it in the box. The next Full Moon I do my blessing ceremony and then burn the slips in my bonfire. So many lovely works have come from that. I take no credit for those things though. I merely start the energy moving and then it flows and goes where it is needed and does what is best for the highest good. I love my Blessing Box. My Abundance Box is very similar but the energy is to help people feel more abundance in their lives whether emotional, spiritual, or physical.

The Sin Box though is much harder for me because it is all about me having to come to terms with things I’ve done or said that caused problems or unkindness. I suppose many things weren’t full-blown sins but I decided if there was anything that nagged my conscience, even if only a little, then it was a big enough deal to be placed in the Sin Box. Then, I either went back and mended the issue through actions, offered an apology - they could accept or not, or I forgave myself as having been at a time in my life when I hadn’t known better. I cleared them all but one. The sin that remains that I’ve found no way to ease my conscience on was about Roy Winters. It’s not in the Sin Box because of anything I said or did. That’s the problem. I didn’t do or say anything.

Just like I do on every Full Moon, I read the news clipping again. The items in the Sin Box don't get burned until the work has been done. I've never known how I could ever possibly right this wrong. Or forgive myself.

Though it’s been nearly fifty years, as if it were yesterday, I remember Roy the first time I saw him. He had come to school without shoes and every day after that. I finally asked him why he didn’t wear shoes. His answer was quite simple, “Because I don’t have any.” My family was far from well off but I did have all the comforts of life, including shoes.

My eleven-year-old self found it hard to comprehend that he didn’t have shoes. “Why?”

“Why what?” Roy continued walking along the top of the WPA rock wall that surrounded our school.

“Why don’t you have shoes?”

He stopped walking the wall and dropped his arms that he had been using to balance himself. “Just don’t. No money for any.”

“Don’t your Mom and Dad work?” I had no idea of the inequalities in the lives of children. I viewed the world through my personal experiences. I didn’t have multiple pairs of shoes but I did have “a” pair of shoes.

“Mom's gone. Dad works. Sometimes. He drinks mostly.” Roy said everything so matter-of-factly. For him the world was simple and he didn’t seem bothered that his world was different than mine. But it bothered me. Roy plopped down and seated himself on the top of the wall.

I found myself looking straight into the green eyes of his freckled face. “Where is your Mom gone to?”

Roy laughed. “You sure ask lots of questions.”

“I just wondered where she is.” I had blushed a bit.

“Don’t know. She left. With some man. She’s just gone. You know.” Roy shrugged.

“How long?”

“How long what?” Roy was picking at his dirty fingernails.

“Her being gone?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A long time I guess. I don’t remember her.” Roy shrugged again.

His stomach growled loudly.

I laughed. “You better eat your lunch! Your stomach is growling bad.”

“I’ll eat tonight.” Roy jumped off the wall and walked away.

He walked behind the wall towards the cafeteria. I thought it strange he hunkered down as though he didn’t want to be seen. I decided to follow him. Likewise hunkering down on my side of the rock wall, I ran along, popping up now and then to see if he was still going. He ducked in next to the trash can and I saw him pawing through it. He found something. Roy looked pretty savage the way he ate whatever he found. I didn’t understand anything about what I saw. From the life of plenty that I had, it was beyond my comprehension to realize that Roy was a neglected child, living in squalor without food, proper clothing, or shelter.

Over the next few years, Roy didn’t attend school regularly. He often came to school smelling bad of urine, smoke, and filth. His clothes were wrinkled, torn, and stained. Sometimes they were stiff the way jeans were when my Granny put them on a clothesline to dry. We had a clothes dryer so our clothes were always soft. We had a modern washer too. Yet more luxuries I took for granted. Granny still used an old wringer washer. It scared me because she told us it could take our arm up in it all the way to the shoulder and we should stay away from it. So, we did.

Roy didn’t even have a wringer washer. He told me once he washed his clothes in the bathtub and beat the water out on the side of the house. Then he hung them on a nail to dry. I never saw anyone do laundry like that.

By the time we were fifteen, Roy worked at the feed store. He had shoes now same as everyone else and his clothes were a lot better. He only had two shirts and two pants and wore each set half the week. On Sundays, he wore a worn-out set of overalls so he could wash his good clothes. He didn’t have underwear and he didn’t wear socks. I knew all this because I hung out with Roy a little bit. Secretively. I didn’t want anyone to know. Everyone made fun of Roy and I knew it would be hell for me if people thought I was sweet on him. But Roy was a good person. He just had bad circumstances. I had grown to be able to see that. It was beyond me that no one else could see it. I enjoyed our friendship that deepened with each passing year. I grew to love him.

I studied Roy’s photo in the newspaper clipping. The photo was from the school yearbook. Roy didn’t like the actual photo of himself, but he was really proud that his name finally had a real photo above it instead of a silhouette with the words “Not Available.” He had used his feed store wages and paid for school pictures that year. He skipped meals that week so he could do it. I sneaked extra sandwiches so I could share my lunch with him so he would have at least something.. He was a bit suspicious that I had “extra” but he took it. How handsome he had been. He didn’t deserve what life had given him.

Tears slipped down my cheeks as I re-read the clipping I knew by heart. I don’t know how it still had any ink on it or that it hadn’t disintegrated from being folded and refolded through the years.

It was so unfair. He had finally made it to 18 just weeks before his death. He was on the cusp of being able to start a life of his choosing. He would be free to leave his childhood behind, to have things he had been deprived of. To be loved…by me. But when he needed me, I wasn’t there for him. I should have been. I caved to peer pressure. I made the wrong choice. I was weak.

Local teen arrested in robbery found dead

Local teen, Roy Winters was arrested earlier this year when police responded to a call about a robbery in progress at Sandy’s Gas ‘n Go on a Saturday night. Several teens rushed from the store as police arrived, telling officers that Roy Winters was inside with a pistol. After a brief altercation, Winters was apprehended and taken to jail. Winters insisted that the pistol was not his and had been thrust at him as the other teens exited the store. His story was inconsistent with eyewitness testimony. The key witness was the store clerk who gave a statement against Roy Winters. Having turned 18 a week prior to the attempted robbery, Winters was to be tried as an adult for armed robbery. Winters was found hanging in his cell by his boot laces just hours after being offered a plea deal prior to trial, with options to either join the military or serve a fifteen-year sentence. A cryptic note scribbled on the wall read, “Without you, life doesn’t matter.”

Photo by MART PRODUCTION from Pexels

I have tried so hard over the years to scrape those memories from my mind but they never leave me. I remember being behind the counter that night. My shift was to end at seven. Roy arrived at six-thirty. He wanted to surprise me and he did do that. I could feel my body start to shake with sobs as my mind relived that night so long ago.

****

I was startled when the doorbell rang. Customers usually never came in this late. Just some school kids sometimes to try to steal stuff.

“Hi, gorgeous.” Roy’s smile always made him look like a mischievous child. And tonight that fit well since his being there was unexpected.

“Roy, what are you doing here?” It was a mixture of relief and delight that it was him. But at the same time, fearful that schoolmates might come in and see us. I still wouldn’t allow our relationship to be known. My parents would likely ship me off to relatives if they knew. And even if they didn’t find out, if my classmates ever knew, it would be hell.

“I’ve come to whisk you away when you get off,” his green eyes sparkled with mischief.

“Oh my. Well, my parents are out tonight so I guess I have a bit of time. I’d have to be home by eight-thirty.”

“Not a problem.”

“Where to?” I was getting more relaxed, staring into his handsome face, mesmerized by his smile and those charming green eyes.

“Now, if I tell you that, it will spoil the surprise. You like surprises don’t you?” Roy leaned in and tenderly tipped my chin up to give me a kiss.

Caught up in the moment, I hadn’t seen them coming. It was Jeff and his gang. Seven of them altogether. Jeff had been after me for months to date him. I had always made excuses. He was very handsome and came from a family with money, but I wasn’t impressed by him or money. Sometimes I thought he was after me only because he wasn’t used to girls telling him no. Plus, I really think since he knew, or thought he knew, I wasn’t and never had dated anyone, he could be my first.

“Hey, Bren. Is goober boy here bothering you?” Jeff shoved Roy hard and knocked him into the chip rack, scattering bags everywhere.

“Jeff, no. Everything is all right. Really.” I was beyond horrified. I couldn’t let them know about Roy and me. And yet I didn’t want them to be mean to Roy. There were seven of them.

“Everything is alright, really,” Jeff mimicked me. “You think I’m stupid, Bren?”

Roy steadied himself and lunged toward Jeff but Roger and Aaron grabbed Roy and held him.

“Look at this mess that Winters made in your store, Bren.” Jeff walked over to a shelf and raked his hand down the row scattering everything onto the floor. “Not nice, Winters.”

“Stop it right now! Jeff! Please stop it!” I wasn’t sure what to do.

“Stop it. Please stop it.” Jeff narrowed his eyes at me. “We’re just having a bit of fun, Bren. Hey, guys, treats are on Winters here. Help yourself.”

Betty and Alice squealed and grabbed sodas and candy bars. David and Mary opened a gym bag and began wiping out all the candy aisle.

While Jeff was taunting Roy, I dialed the phone and left it off the hook. “You can’t rob this convenience store!” I said loudly. There was only one convenience store in town so the Police would know exactly where to come. “Stop! Put that stuff back.”

It was at that time that Jeff pulled out a pistol and put it to Roy’s head. “You better leave Brenda alone. You hear me Roy, boy? If you know what’s good for you, you will just disappear. Nobody will miss you. Nobody ever wanted you. Not even your own damn, momma.” Jeff sneered in Roy’s face and then spit in his eyes.

“Oh my god! He’s got a gun!” I heard a muffled response in the phone receiver. “Help is on the way.”

“What’s the matter, Bren? You don’t have the hots for this guy, do you? This schmuck? He wasn’t even worth the time his daddy wasted making him. Even his own momma didn’t stick around after he was born. She was glad to be rid of him.”

“Jeff, stop it. You’re being cruel.”

Sirens sounded as the police car arrived from the station just blocks away. Jeff and his gang went on alert. They threw everything down. Jeff took the pistol and shoved it into Roy’s jacket pocket and knocked Roy to the floor. As they all ran out the front door, I could hear the girls screaming, “He’s got a gun.” And the guys were saying, “He’s robbing the place.”

The officers came in at a run. Roy was scrambling to right himself from being knocked to the floor. As he half raised, the gun fell from his pocket and Roy attempted to catch it as it fell. The officers launched at Roy and slammed him back to the floor. After some scrambling about, Roy was handcuffed and hauled to his feet without mercy.

Roy chaffed at his cuffs, “Officer’s, please. It wasn’t me. I didn’t do all that damage. It’s not my gun.” Twisting his head over his shoulder as the Officers were taking him out, “Bren, tell them, please.”

I trotted along behind the officers. “Officers, I…. uh…” Jeff and his gang were waiting just outside as the officers hustled Roy to their squad car. Seven sets of eyes stared at me, daring me to go against them. My defense of Roy died in mid-sentence.

Jeff sauntered over and draped his arm around my shoulders. “You ok, Bren?” He said it so tenderly like he truly cared. An act. I knew it was an act to manipulate me.

The officers came back after securing Roy in their car and began taking statements. One after another, they recounted how they had come into the store to visit with Jeff’s girlfriend and pick her up after her shift.

“Hi, ma’am. I’m Officer Blevin. Are you the store clerk?”

Before I could answer, Jeff responded, “Yeah. She’s my girlfriend. We were making plans for after her shift ended and that’s when Winters came in with a gun. He started ordering us around and had us put stuff in a gym bag for him. Thank god Bren here had the presence of mind to dial for help.” Jeff squeezed my shoulders but the tips of his fingers dug in tightly and I knew them for the threat they were.

Trembling, I nodded my head. “Is there anything you can add, ma’am? You saw him with the gun?”

Jeff interjected again, “He came up behind me and put it to my head. I thought I was a gonner, Officer. I’m so glad my girlfriend here has a good head on her shoulders and knew to do the right thing.” Again, Jeff rubbed my shoulder with his hand but then clamped hard to que me to go along.

“Yes, that’s right.” My stomach lurched as I heard the words come out of my mouth. If I didn’t go along, what would happen to me? There were seven of them. Jeff had bragged before that he had made people disappear when they got in his way. I wanted to think it was bluster, but there was the one guy that crossed him that turned up drowned. What if he drowned me? It wouldn’t be hard since I can’t swim.

As the officers drove away with Roy, Jeff whirled me to him, “Good girl, Bren. You’re my girl now.”

And so I was. Jeff stepped right into the spot in my life that belonged to Roy. I was trapped in the pretense of being Jeff’s girlfriend. Despite my sleepless nights, I never dared tell the truth. I just went through all the motions of keeping the gang confident that I wouldn’t talk. I didn’t want to provoke them to take actions that would make it where I couldn’t talk… ever.

I had hoped that Roy would get off with probation or something. He had never been in trouble. Surely that counted for something. But the gun was the problem. And that was exactly why Jeff ditched it on Roy. In Jeff’s eyes, Roy wasn’t worth anything, so he had no qualms about selling out Roy to save himself.

Still, I had hopes that somehow Roy would be freed and he’d come to me and we’d run away together. Leave this town behind and all the cruel and hateful people in it. Then I wouldn’t have to fear Jeff and his gang anymore. I’d be protected by Roy. And I wouldn’t care anymore who knew about us. I would proudly become Mrs. Roy Winters. But those hopes and dreams died when I read the news clipping.

The note he scribbled on the wall gutted me. “Without you, life doesn’t matter.” I remember hiding in my basement and screaming until my voice was hoarse. I should have been stronger. I should have spoken up and told the truth.

All this is what makes it unforgivable that I married Jeff a year later. I didn’t deserve any better than Jeff. Roy was dead because of me and Jeff. In my mind, it was a just punishment that I be tied forever to the person that frightened me into submission. Roy gave up his life because I let him down. I needed to pay for that.

And I have paid for that. For over forty years I’ve played wife to Jeff. We had only one child, a boy which I named Jeffrey Royce Madison. Jeff was out of town when I went into labor so he had no say-so about it. Jeff knew exactly why I picked Royce as our son’s middle name. But he never challenged me about it. Nor did he object when I insisted on calling our son Royce rather than Jeff Jr, Junior, or JJ. It was my one act of defiance but it never brought me comfort. Just like the newspaper clipping in the Sin Box, Royce’s name was a constant reminder of my sins against Roy.

Jeff came in. “What are you holding there? Your Sin Box again?” Sarcastic as ever.

“Yes. But this Full Moon, I can finally dispose of it. Here.” I handed Jeff an envelope of papers.

“What’s this?” He opened the envelope and unfolded the papers. “What? Divorce papers?”

I picked up my suitcase and walked out the door.

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