The Abominable No-Meatman

So, I had an idea. I was wondering if Pennywise the dancing clown went vegan because he wanted to befriend humanity, what would he eat? Would there be food options for him, or would he have to starve just to be put in a better light with us humans. So I’ve created a special restaurant and menu just for him. This way, if Pennywise were to become vegan, he wouldn’t have to get creative with his dietary choices, I’ve done it for him. I’ve taken the work out of going vegan on his behalf! Here is a special restaurant and menu I made just for our friend, Pennywise!

The Abominable No-Meatman:

The Horrific Herbivore’s Safe Haven

Menu:

Fear-filled Tofu: Our chef for Pennywise has infused tofu with the fear of its victims, adding a satisfyingly sinister twist to this classic vegan staple. Our chef gathers fear by pranking our other customers and bottling the adrenaline that seeps out of their pores and sweat glands.

Phantom Seitan: Seitan, made from vital wheat gluten and the terrified souls of freshly boiled broccoli, is shaped into spooky phantoms and then can be devoured by Pennywise.

Tempeh Terror: our chef has marinated tempeh from The Temple of Tempeh Terror and boiled it in water from the lakes of fear and despair, creating a deliciously horrifying vegan treat that even the darkest, most sinister and vile demon from hell would enjoy.

Quinoa of Chaos: We’ve cooked up a batch of quinoa infused with the chaos and destruction of a haunted farm that Pennywise loves so much and has haunted himself on several occasions, insuring that fresh fear taste.

Portobello Mushroom Nightmare: We’ve sautéed some portobello mushrooms in a sauce made from the nightmares of Pennywise’s victims, adding a rich and savory adrenaline filled flavor to the dish.

Cashew Cream Scream: We’ve blended some cashews with the screams of Pennywise’s victims, creating a creamy and delicious vegan sauce to pour over all of your favorite dishes. Comes with slices of freshly slaughtered watermelon.

Jackfruit Jack-o'-lanterns: We’ve stuffed some jackfruit into carved-out pumpkins, creating a spooky and satisfying vegan meal. We used them to scare some neighborhood kids and filled the jackfruit jack-o’s to the brim with their fear.

Black Bean Bewitchment: We’ve simmered up some black beans in a broth made from adrenaline directly extracted from the adrenal glands of Pennywise’s victims, adding a touch of magic to this classic vegan protein source.

Bloody Beet Burger: Our chef has made a patty by beating the life out of beets, then squeezing the juice out of more beets all over the burger for that extra bloody feeling of fresh killed prey. Pennywise will feel the fear with every bite. Comes with apple slices.

Devilish Seitan Sticky Fingers: We’ve cooked up some Seitan, carved it into the shapes of creepy, pointed monster fingers and smothered them in marinara sauce.

Creepy Crawly Kale Salad: We made a salad using Kale and used the slime from Night crawlers, slugs and earthworms for dressing. We added some fresh squeezed lemon juice and just a dash of salt. Noodles on the side so you can dangle them like worms and gulp them down.

Vegan Nightmare Noodle Bowl surprise: The ingredients to this dish are a secret, hence the surprise. But we can tell you this dish was made with love… and adrenaline juice.

Hauntingly Delicious Hummus Platter: Freshly made hummus made while screaming into a bowl, slathered all over fresh vegetables that are murdered… we mean picked fresh daily. Made into the shape of a human head.

Phantom Falafel Wrap: A falafel wrap made from the souls of people who died long ago of natural causes…. They were naturally afraid to die. This fear filled dish is filling and delicious!

Ghostly Garlicky Mashed Potatoes: We add ghosts and garlic to traditional mashed potatoes in this dish in the shape of a scary fish.

Dessert Menu:

Black-As-Night Vegan Brownie: A brownie made with teeth extracted from freshly dug graves. We put the teeth in the shape of a mouth.

Redrum Raspberry Sorbet: A bloody delicious and bright red dessert. We freeze liquid Adrenalin instead of water or cream before adding the raspberry’s.

Sinisterly Sweet Vegan Cheesecake: We pour a scary amount of sugar into this dessert. It’s enough to kill any man, but not Pennywise!

Spooky Strawberry Smoothie: For an extra satisfying fresh taste, we collect blood donations and add them to our strawberry sweet treat.

Creepy Coconut Cake: A cake covered in beetle exoskeletons and cockroach droppings.

Terrifyingly Tasty Tiramisu: Traditional tiramisu burnt to a crisp and mixed with skin flakes.

Ghoulishly Good Gluten-Free Cookie: the cookie might be gluten free, but we added the adrenaline from one thousand terrified children trapped inside a school bus to these ghoul shaped delights. Don’t worry, the children were let out of the bus afterwords and now live on a free range playground that farms organic fear.

Frightfully Fruity Vegan Popsicle: Frozen fear on a stick.

Monster Mashup Sorbet: sorbet served in a cup made from bones and shaped into the shape of a screaming face.

We hope our menu satisfies Pennywise’s new vegan diet and keeps him from eating us!