Seelah's Ocean

Seelah had described the ocean as a gigantic, never ending adventure. I never understood that statement. The ocean was never ending, that's true. You could swim around and around it all day. It wasn't exactly an adventure, though.

Sure, you can swim and play all you want. Rah and I definitely do, darting in and out of the rocks and coral, seeing who can swim around each turn the fastest. There was never any new rocks to swim around, though. Only the same eight, rising from the ocean floor with unchanging placements. Always the same people to see and talk to. Sometimes, a new baby will arrive, like Rah did a long time ago, and then there is a new friend to talk to for a little while, until they become just another person you see every day.

Seelah used to race me like Rah does. I was much smaller then, and I guess Seelah was a lot less tired. Now, Seelah lays at the ocean floor, sleeping most of the time. When she is awake, I go down to listen to her stories of the ocean. She talks of friends who came long before I was born. She points out the new corals, the new colors of fish, the new above ocean helpers. None of those things are actually new. The only thing that is new since I was born is Rah, and Rah has been here a long time.

My favorite stories Seelah tells are about the lights above the ocean. She says when it get's dark out and it's time for all of us to sleep, the lights up above appear. She says they dance and shimmer above the waves, blinking at us lazily as we rest. Her favorite star is the big silver one. Seelah says it comes and goes, some nights there and some nights not. I'm not sure what Seelah is talking about when she describes the lights, or the big silver one.

I see the lights, don't get me wrong. However, they aren't above the ocean, they are on the other side of it. They don't come out when it's time to sleep, either. They come out at random times. The lights above will dim, and then through the edge of the ocean, I can see them. They bob and wave with swirls of blue, green, pink, and yellow. I'll swim up to the edge of the ocean and that's when I get to see them up close. The Keepers of the Stars.

I'll press my hands up against the boundary, waiting until a small hand will press back. One of it's hands will spread to match mine, the other clutching a star. I can just barely make out it's face. Wide eyes, tousled hair. It'll squeak and squeal with quiet delight. Sometimes, I'll blow some bubbles at it, or do a flip through the water to make it squeal more. Those sounds make my chest fill with bubbles, and I can't help but smile. If I swim fast around the edge of the ocean, the littlest stars will chase me, racing me, trying to keep up or beat me, till I switch directions in one fell swoop and send them all toppling in heaps of echoing squeals of happiness.

The Keepers of the Stars vary every day. Some are tall and loud, some are hunched and wrinkled, and some are tiny and bright. No matter which Keeper they are, they all look at me with that same wide eyed look, and make those same bubbly noises of awe. Each one has a star pressed firmly in their hand. I love the ocean, and never want to leave, but sometimes I wish the edge would open up long enough for me to touch one of the stars.

There is one Keeper who comes to visit the ocean often. Rah calls that keeper Roa, because it sounds similar to my name, Roan. Roa the Keeper was much smaller the first time she came, like the littlest stars are now. She used to come with two tall Keepers, then she started coming with just one Keeper, and now she comes alone. She used to gaze at me with that same wide eyed stare all the other Keepers give me, but not anymore. Her eyes have changed, they look...sad now. I know because Seelah's eyes have changed the same way.

Roa comes when it's quiet, when there are no other stars out. Just Roa, always with a pink star held loosely in her hand. She won't chase and race like she used to. She won't squeal or shriek with delight anymore. Roa just sits outside of the edge of the ocean, her hand pressed against the glass while she moves her mouth slowly. Sometimes, I think I can hear sounds from her, as if she is reaching through the edge to me. It's rare, and I can never understand her, but I listen hard anyways. I will try to get her to race, to play. I blow bubbles at her to make her squeal, but it never comes. Sometimes, she will give me a smile. Those are the best times.

"Roa is lonely," Seelah croaks from the right of me. I turn to look at the old turtle, confused by her statement.

"Lonely, Seelah?" I ask, swimming towards her slowly as to not stir up the sand. "How do you know?"

"I am lonely, Roan. I long for the ocean." She replies, lifting her head to look to the above.

"Oh Seelah, you're silly. This is the ocean, so what is there to miss?" I laugh.

"This is your ocean, Roan, not mine. I miss the other turtles. I miss the other stars. Have I ever told you about the other turtles?"

"Seelah, you are the only turtle in the ocean. Are you tired again?" I ask, touching her bumpy shell gently.

"I am tired, but I'm not too tired to tell you about the other turtles. You're older now, Roan. Have you never wondered why you don't look like me? Like Rah, or the fish?" She asks quietly.

"I just thought there was only one Seelah the turtle, and only one Rah the dolphin, and only one me," I state.

"You are right. There is only one Seelah in all the ocean, and only one Rah, and only one Roan. Just like out of all the Keepers, as you call them, there is only one Roa. There are lots of Keepers though, aren't there?" Seelah asks, turning her head to look at the edge of the ocean.

"There are lots of other Keepers past the edge," I say, not understanding where Seelah is going with her thoughts.

"Before I came to your ocean Roan, there were lots of other turtles, too. We would meet every year on the warm, dry sand to lay our eggs. The dolphins would swim with us sometimes. At dark, we would look up at the stars," Seelah paused, gazing at the edge as though she were looking through it. "There were more that looked like you, too. Lots of you. It was wonderful, but dangerous. Especially for young mer. Sharks would chase, gnashing and chomping till they caught the young ones. It would happen to all types of young ones. This ocean, your ocean, is safe. It's peaceful. It's...lonely."

I tried to imagine a shark, but I couldn't dream up anything as scary as what Seelah had described. I tried to imagine more turtles, but they all looked like Seelah in my head. I even tried to imagine more dolphins, but they all just looked like Rah to me. I couldn't imagine how it was possible to have more than one of each of us. The ones who could communicate anyways. I've seen plenty of fish that look the same, but they can't talk to Seelah, Rah and I. So how could it be possible to have more turtles and dolphins?

Seelah is old, and tired, and forgetful. She must be remembering seeing our reflections in the edge and thinking it was more turtles and dolphins and mer. It doesn't make sense otherwise.

"You are tired, Seelah. I don't understand your story," I say sadly, moving back to where Roa sits outside of the edge.

"They said I would go back to the ocean when my shell healed, Roan. They said they would return you to the ocean once you were old enough to be on your own. They said the same thing about Rah. Yet here we all are, old enough, healed enough...and still not in the ocean," Seelah says. "Someday, I hope you'll understand my story."

"I don't understand it now, Seelah. How will I understand someday?" I ask, but I receive no response. Seelah is fast asleep.

After a long time, Roa's star fades, and I can no longer see her past the edge. I ponder what Seelah told me for a long while, gazing into the edge, but I find no answers. I stay that way until the lights above go out, and I go to sleep on the ocean floor next to Rah and Seelah.

Seelah never wakes up.

The above helpers send the bubble man in when the lights are back on. He wears a noisy black suit, and he is hooked to the above by a long tube.

I had been holding Seelah for a long time, hoping maybe if I held her long enough, she would realize the lights were back on and it was time to play. The bubble man only comes down when the fish stops moving for a long time, or I get my tail stuck in a rock. Rah greets bubble man with a nudge on his hand, and usually bubble man will pause to play with Rah and I for a moment, but today he pushes Rah away gently and reaches his arms out to me.

I know he is here to take Seelah, but I don't want to let her go. She has always been here. Before Rah...before me. If I let her go to bubble man, she won't come back to tell me stories, or cuddle me at night. Rah and I will be alone.

The bubble man comes closer, close enough that I can see his eyes. His eyes are sad. Rah's eyes look like that, too. Do my eyes look like that?

I let him take Seelah.

I'm lonely.

I lay at the bottom for what feels like an endless amount of time, curled up tight between two of the rocks. Rah tries to get me to play at first, but I don't. The Keepers of the Stars knock on the edge of the ocean, but I don't go to see them. I don't want to move, I just want to stay between the rocks. I don't eat the seaweed the above helpers send down, and I don't emerge when bubble man comes to say hi. Maybe if I stay here long enough, staring at the above ocean, they will bring Seelah back. Maybe, she isn't gone forever. Maybe, she went to the other ocean. Seelah's ocean.

Is there really another ocean? If there is, how do I get there?

A knock at the edge. A pink star. I swim to the edge for the first time in an endless time. I swim to Roa.

Roa has the ocean in her eyes, and it is running down her face. Her hands press against the edge, and I press mine back, wishing I could reach through. Her head rests against the barrier, and for once I know what she is trying to say to me. I'm sorry.

We stay there for so long, that the above lights turn back on. Her star isn't glowing anymore, and I can barely see her, but I know she's there. Rah nudges my cheek gently, and I pull him into my chest.

I'm lonely, but I'm not alone.

Endless time seeps back in slowly. I spend the time swimming around the ocean edge. Not racing or playing, just swimming. Thinking about Seelah's ocean.

The Keepers of the Stars don't come for a long time. When they do come back, the stars aren't in their hands, but around their necks like sea weed. Roa is with them, and she holds a big piece of flat seaweed with what looks like a reflection of me, Rah, and Seelah on it. There are bright flashes of light outside the edge, and Roa talks to the other Keepers a lot.

More Keepers come, day after day, carrying more reflections of the three of us. They yell and shout, displaying their stars proudly on their chests. They talk to above helpers that carry large black boxes with orbs on the front. The above helpers point the black boxes in Roa's face, and she gestures to us with such passion and life that I haven't seen in her in a long time.

When the other Keepers leave for the day, Roa sits at the edge and talks to me. I still can't hear her, or even understand her like I did after Seelah left the ocean, but her eyes look different. She doesn't look lonely anymore, she looks alive, passionate. Eventually, she leaves again, and Rah and I sleep between the rocks for another endless time.

The ocean looks much more shallow when I awake. It doesn't just look shallow, it is shallow. The rocks are halfway out of the ocean into the above, and bubble man is here, but he isn't alone. He grabs me, and I'm scared.

I try to fight back, but the above helpers put something on my tail so I can't move it. I push at bubble man with my arms, but it's no use. Bubble man is strong, and the other bubble men he brought with him won't let me go. They tie me into something soft, and hoist me up into the above.

I can barely see. The lights are so bright and everything is blurry. I've never been in the above, even though Rah has.

Rah...I can't see him.

The above helpers put me in a small ocean. I can easily see through the edge of this one. Roa is here, just outside of the edge. She's smiling. Roa's not scared. Maybe I shouldn't be scared?

I'm moved into a dark box. This box is noisy, and big. It rumbles and sloshes me around in my small ocean. Roa and some above helpers are in the big box with me. They are all smiling and making bubbly noises, so I blow some bubbles. Roa laughs.

I'm not scared anymore.

The rumbling stops after a long time, and the back of the box opens to reveal...sand? Oh, and there's Rah! He's not in a small container, but in soft harness. Some above helpers are pouring little bits of ocean on him.

Past Rah and the sand is a huge expanse of new ocean.

Roa and the above helpers take me out of my small ocean and carry me to the expanse of waves. They wade in to their waists, before setting me down. Rah is still in his harness, but he is not scared. He is excited.

I look to Roa. She doesn't look sad, or lonely, or mad. She is happy. She unties my tail, and holds out her hand. In it is her glowing pink star.

I reach my hand out to hers, and she places the star in my palm. It's warm, and bright. I hold it close to my chest, and wonder what I'm supposed to do now.

As if hearing my thoughts, Roa points out into the ocean, away from the sand.

I'm supposed to go.

With one last long look at Roa, bubble man, and the above helpers, I dive below the surface, and swim fast away from the above. Rah chases me, and through the waves I can hear the shrieks and squeals of delight from the above helpers.

Rah and I race for a long time, playing chase, darting through so many new rocks and corals. The ocean is deep here, deeper than I've ever known an ocean could be. I vaguely wonder if we are nearing the edge. That's when I see the turtles, dancing and weaving through the stunning blue without a care in the world. They swim lazily by, barely paying Rah and I any attention.

Suddenly, I'm nudged from behind.

I turn, expecting it to be Rah, but it's not. It's another dolphin. She looks like Rah, but her eyes are different. She circles me and then Rah curiously, before calling out across the ocean; come play.

A swarm of dolphins appear out of the murky blue, chirping and laughing as they surround us. It doesn't take long before I lose Rah in the dolphin's dance, but I know he won't leave my side for long.

A lull of song echoes through the depths, a lingering melody that seems to move and shift with the current. It's quiet at first, but as I race with the pod of dolphins it grows louder. The dance of the dolphins slows to a pause, and I search for the source of the sound.

A figure appears in the distance, long and elegant as it seemingly floats closer. Then another figure appears, and another. As they draw near, I finally understand Seelah's story.

The ocean is a gigantic, never ending adventure, not a circle with the same eight rocks and corals.

I am free, and I am not lonely.