Nighttime Secrets

I’ve always loved walking around the city at night. When the crowds have all but disappeared and the noise of the city has quieted to a whisper. When the only light comes from the moon and the stars. When the sun has set I am finally free, if only for a little while. No one is awake to ask me questions, to seek my guidance on anything. I enjoy my role as queen, but it can be exhausting. To have thousands of people looking to me for answers and watching my every move. It is absolutely terrifying if I am being completely honest. I am not allowed to make mistakes, too many people depend on me. I cannot say anything wrong, I have to constantly watch what I say so as not to offend anyone. I have always had a short temper, and keeping that in check has been a skill I never thought I could possess. That is why I love the night time. It is when I can be me. No pretenses, no acting confident and calm when I really just want to go hide in my room and cry. Night brings a taste of the freedom I will never have.

I especially love the gardens at night. They are gorgeous during the day, with row after row of lavender, goldenrods, rosemary, zinnias, mint, and every other flower and herb imaginable. This kingdom, my kingdom, was built on these gardens. The plants here are what gives us the ability to make the honey the rest of the world relies on us for. It is our source of life. Without them we would be nothing. The gardens have grown so much even in just my lifetime. New species of plants are discovered and planted every year. The colors one can find in this garden alone are unmatched anywhere else in the world. Every plant here is beautiful, and every plant serves a purpose. That is the real beauty of the gardens. The plants here are not just pretty to look at, they give life to an entire kingdom. I suppose I might just be projecting my own thoughts onto them. Being both pretty and functional is the job of every queen that has ever reigned.

What I love most about the gardens at night is the quiet. There are no workers running about tending the plants, collecting pollen, taking cuttings, or removing the dead ones. It is just me and my garden. For a brief moment all of this beauty here is mine, and mine alone. When the sun comes back up I will have to once again share it with everyone, but for right now I can be the only one who matters. I love my people, and I will do everything I can and must to protect and serve them. Part of that is knowing when I need to take a moment to myself. Because I cannot take care of my people if I do not first take care of myself. Here, in the light of the moon and in the company of the flowers, is where I have a chance to do just that.

Of all the places I have ever been, this one is easily my favorite. I really have not been to many places, but I am confident that there is nowhere more beautiful than right here. In these gardens is where I find comfort here when things are too much, and peace in times of struggle. The plants offer so much, and need nothing in return from me. It is not often you find a relationship like that. The moon offers plenty of light for making my way around, and the sky is filled with thousands of stars. The dark sky makes the colorful plants seem even brighter, and brings out their beauty in a way that the sun can never.

As I make my way through the rows of sunflowers, past the foxglove and yarrow, all the way to the far corner of the garden I take some time to reflect. Winter is drawing nearer, and with that comes the end of this growing season. I always tend to be more anxious around this time. Winter brings many beautiful things, but it also brings much uncertainty. Taking a breath, I find myself in front of a stone wall with a small door. Reaching into my pocket I pull out a small key. I slip through the door quickly, glancing around once quickly to make sure no one sees me. In this closed area of the garden is the only place in the entire kingdom where I can truly be alone. The general population does not know it even exists, servants and workers do not have a key, and my mother is no longer able to make the trip out here. I never used to like being alone. Now, being the queen I have learned to appreciate every moment by myself that I can get.

Finally here, I sit on the bench in the center of the room. All around me are marigolds of every variety. They were my grandmother's favorite flower, and I put a wall around them as a way to honor her. These flowers are kept safe, watered well, and allowed to bloom all year round. My grandmother would be appalled at this. She believed very firmly that though they are beautiful, flowers have their season for growing, and their season for dying. She would tell me constantly that everything comes to an end eventually, and we must appreciate things as much as possible while we have them. I disagree. I can keep these marigolds alive as long as I want them, so I will. Maybe it is a selfish act, but I spend my entire life living to serve my people. I am allowed to keep this one thing just for me.

Here among my marigolds is where I have thought over and come to a decision on every challenge I have faced in my time as queen. These flowers have been here for me when no one else could be. They bring peace and comfort. They are the last piece of my grandmother I have left. She was one of the greatest queens this world has ever seen. She led with grace and kindness, and would let no harm come to her people. I have spent my entire life trying to be like her. But I fall just short of it. I am a little too quick to anger, and a little too stubborn when I want something done my way. Still I try. As long as I can do that I like to think I am making her proud.

I have spent too long here. It is time to go back into the castle for now. The sun has begun to rise and there are people that need me. I leave the marigolds much calmer than when I came. As I lock the door behind me I feel the weight of my anxieties dissipate as my worries stay locked in with the flowers. Out here I must be confident and sure in everything. The people look up to me, they need to see that I am not afraid of what the future may hold. All the things I fear, all my worries and problems, those are secrets between me and my marigolds.