What This Bachelor Wants......for Dinner!!!

I have to finally make an admission. After all these decades, I was afraid to say this. Now, I have to face the music. Folks, it is true. I am a CONFIRMED BACHELOR who can't cook.

Yes, I can't cook. You are probably hearing me correctly. I can't cook at all. If it can't be prepared in a microwave oven or ordered from a clown's face at some fast-food joint, I am in trouble. If I can't say "I want a topping that has sausage, pepperoni and mushroom," I am going to starve. I simply can't cook at all. The benefit of my situation is that I know where MOST of the fast food joints are in my area. You name it, I pretty much know where it is.

Yes, I am a hopeless mess when it comes to preparing my own meals.

If I can't use my microwave oven (HORRORS!), I do possess the ability to take a pair of bread slices, a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jam and a knife in order to prepare the fanciest meal I could ever prepare for breakfast, lunch or dinner - a peanut butter & jelly sandwich! Mmmmm! Mmmmmm ! Mmmmmmmm!! I can practically taste it now. Sometimes, when I want to be fancy about it, I will first toast the break to get that crunch that I always enjoy with my PB&J.

There are other times when I like to scavenge my food and just store it in my freezer so that I can heat and eat later. I follow what I call the "2+ Rule." That simply means that when I go out to buy what I like to eat - a Bacon King sandwich from Burger King, I will instead buy two of them. No, I am NOT a pig. I will eat the first one when I get a chance to stop and eat, but I will immediately put the second one in the freezer for a later moment. Case in point: Right now as of this writing, there is a special pulled pork sandwich from BK in my freezer from 2019. Why haven't I eaten it yet? Well, my primary reason is that BK no longer carries that sandwich. It is sort of seasonal. So, if it returns this year, I will warm it up in my microwave and then store the new one in the freezer instead. I use this rule for all other meals.

Most of my friends know that I LOVE Italian food especially if it is served to me by a very BEAUTIFUL Italian lady. I will eat anything as long as it is not food which could have eaten me when it was alive. So, calamari (squid) is out. Everything else except for scallops is okay. (Scallops make me puke violently. I am allergic to them.) One day, I had to visit a friend somewhere. I just happened to mention to her a few days ago about a meal that she was preparing for her family. She told me that she was making stuffed shells. I LOVE STUFFED SHELLS! They are some sort of pasta shell that is stuffed with cottage cheese and bathed in meat sauce!! Yummy!!! I wanted some of that. Nancy was nice enough to give me a sampling in a Tupperware bowl. I just could not wait to get home and fire up my microwave oven.

Her meal did not disappoint at all. Of course, you have to factor in that Nancy is one fantastic cook! Still, I wanted more for later that week. I went shopping, but I only had enough for the shells and the sauce. I ran out of money before I could get the cottage cheese. Still, my mouth watered. I had to come up with a plan.

I took everything home and decided to start COOKING my meal. That's right. I said it. I started COOKING. However, in this case, I took out a Tupperware bowl, poured in my shells and added water. Then, I placed the open bowl in the microwave oven at 20 minutes. When the bell rang, I took the bowl out, covered it and set it on my kitchen table. I went to my living room to watch the news and stuff all the while thinking about my shells.I frequently visited the kitchen to check on my meal. I took a fork to tap the shells for softness, occasionally tasting one to see how soft it really was. When I was convinced that the entire bowl was full of soft shells, I drained the water and replaced it with meat sauce. I picked up my bowl and fork along with a cold bottle of Sprite and returned to the living room to enjoy my meal. Yup, I REALLY enjoyed that meal. There were just two items missing that night: cottage cheese in my shells and a very BEAUTIFUL Italian lady by my side.

Most of the time (98%), I am somewhere out on the road. I have to go to fast food places. I already mentioned BK. I truly enjoy their French fries. Why not? They are part of healthy foods. No? What are they made of? Potatoes! They are gently fried for that moderate crunch. If you want ketchup, you can pour it on. Why? Ketchup is made from tomatoes. So, where is this junk food stuff? I wish that I could make French fries at home at times. Besides, FF are one of the best foods to eat when you are driving somewhere. You can pull on fry and pop it into your mouth while your vehicle is in motion. I've done it thousands of times but without ketchup. I do use it on my fries, but very rarely because it can get messy at times.

There are also times when I need some wrapped food to stuff in my pockets, one of those "I can eat this meal later if I should happen to get stuck in an elevator and the hunger hits." That food is generally a simple snack like a small bag of Cheetos or a Rice Krispies snack bar. The trouble is that they may not last long in my pocket because I get minor hunger pangs at night and I head straight to my coat pocket where I stored my treats. Now, I decided to go to Walgreens or Rite-Aid and purchase a bag of salted unshelled pistachios. That way, I can have a few and seal the bag up if I wanted to. In this case, I never open the bag. If I kept them in my pocket until the end of winter assuming that I put them in my pocket in September, I will eat them in March or April when Spring arrives. I simply replace the old package with a new package.

In short, this bachelor is very happy with his food choices. Could they be much better? I am sure they could, but I am happy and healthy with what I have. As time goes on, however, I will look to add to my repertoire of food choices. If James Bond can drive an Aston-Martin with all the gadgets, I can have my coat with all the food stashes.

Well, I am done. Now, I gotta find me a very BEAUTIFUL Italian lady and a couple of calzones. I am HUNGRY.