To love with a love that is more than love..

I Remember laying there.
My husband was on one hand, and the anesthesiologist was on the other.
The room was full of nurses, and doctors fighting to save our lives.
Fear filled my half of the room while urgency filled the other.
In the midst of everything my mind was spinning a thousand miles an hour.
Hoping that everything would be ok is an understatement.

Suddenly, I heard the noise of a life that was on the brink of being lost with me. You had taken your first breath.
I felt the snap of my emotions.
A thousand Rubber Bands held my sanity in place, and they were stretched to every corner of that room.
The doctor silenced everyone. I had what seemed like a million racing questions.
I still hadn't seen you yet.
I wasn't completely out of the woods at that moment and the very surrealness of my fleeting life hit me for the first time in the 28 years that I had existed.

This couldn't be the end for me, or our adventure together.

Spoilers* It wasn't.

After days in the hospital, and being completely sleep deprived, we finally brought you home.
Unprepared, and fearful is the best way to describe how we felt for the upcoming months.
I was overwhelmed.
I was afraid.
I was completely lost in my own mind that was shrouded by the trauma that I had just endured to get to you.
I remember your precious face as you laid in your bassinet.
You were so peaceful.
You were so beautiful.
I still felt so lost.
I didn't know what to do.
It felt as though I was all alone in experiencing all of this.
I didn't blame you.
I never blamed you.
I did wonder why you didn't fill that emptiness that I was experiencing.
I assumed that other moms fell in love at first sight with their bundle of joy.
I wondered why I survived, when so many before me deserved more.
After what seemed like an eternity I realized I couldn't continue life this way.
You didn't deserve to live this way. I did not want to be the emotionally detached mother that I feared to become.
I remember calling my doctor.
I sat in the kitchen crying, and begging for help.
My physical body was healing.
You were healthy.
I was broken.

Then started the healing journey.

Months passed and you are growing. You are laughing, teething, chatting, and you are healthy.
I am still healing.
As you grew, I would grow with you.
Slowly.. I started smiling again.
I began to feel again.
When you were happy… I was happy.
As time passed I began to want nothing more than to see you. Fear of being near you turned to excitement.
My loneliness started to fall away every time we were close.
I felt as though we were meeting for the first time.
Everything that I had missed in the beginning months I was able to re-live.
As we grew together our bond tightened.

More time passed.
You began to walk.
You gave me the strength to continue on.
You began to talk.
You gave me the voice to help other mothers around me.
I wasn't alone as I once feared.
I was loved by someone that demanded nothing from me other than to call me mother.
I just needed to exist with you and help you on your journey.
That's what I began to do.
You and I together.

7 years later…
We are still learning.
I am still healing.
We are still finding out who we are together. Life and its uncertainties still linger.
Of one thing I am certain.
I love you with a love that is more than love. That will never change.