My Heartbreak Story

IT WAS A WEEK BEFORE MY 30TH BIRTHDAY AND I WAS IN. LOVE.

We’d only been dating eight months but had known each other a few years.

Everything in me said, “HE’S TROUBLE” when we first met, but his charm and kindness towards my weak, broke, vulnerable self upon returning to NYC after a brief stint in LA, was everything I “needed” at the time.

I had just come off the heels of heartbreak from a previous toxic relationship, (are you sensing a pattern here?!) and thanks to the recession, my financial independence as a commercial actress had come to a screeching halt.

I was terrified to embark on plan B to support my plan A by becoming a yoga teacher, but this guy made it ALL BETTER by sweeping me off my feet and taking me into his home after only a month of dating. I finally felt like “THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE!” The passion, the laughs, the deep conversations, waking up to breakfast before teacher training, and arriving home to flowers because of how proud he was of me. He told me about the diamond he had that he couldn’t wait to put on my finger. The excitement he felt knowing that I was going to be the mother of his children…

“THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS SUPPOSE TO FEEL LIKE!”

The romantic gestures and grandiose words of affirmation, as well as his friends and family confirming that he’d been in love with me for so long, gave me the green light to dive right in, despite observing and hearing stories of mistreatment towards other women, and my initial hunch.

So when my body started sensing things weren’t right a few months into the relationship, my trusted intelligent sister-friends assured me that he was head over heels for me — I just must be projecting past heartbreaks on to him.

BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT.

I never felt purposefully separated from previous boyfriends’ female friends. I never felt like I was being lied to about minute things like their whereabouts or who they were with…

Heartbreak was familiar territory, but cheating and deceit were never a part of the equation.

My paranoia escalated over his suspicious behavior as the months unfolded, leading to ugly fights where I was repeatedly told I needed help dealing with my “demons,” and that there was no “conspiracy theory” to hurt me.

HEARTBREAK WAS FAMILIAR TERRITORY, BUT CHEATING AND DECEIT WERE NEVER A PART OF THE EQUATION.

The guilt and shame I’d feel for creating such “crazy” scenarios about the man I loved frightened me, and I felt I didn’t deserve his love for being so mistrusting…

So I continued on, driving my friends insane about even more red flags unfolding, and proceeded to over-post love-dovey pictures on social media as a sad attempt to convince both myself and the world that everything was great!

And on that freezing Monday night in 2011, a week before my 30th, everything WAS great. He had just kissed me goodbye, told me how much he loved me, and I was at ease knowing he was exactly where he said he was going for once.