Gnome Comforts - A funny short story for lockdown life

About this Story

When I was in primary school, my class used to receive homework that involved practising the words for our weekly spelling test by putting them into sentences. However, this was quite a dry task and my dad was getting sick of helping me do this. So, we decided to start making these sentences into stories that made sense as a whole, much to the delight of my teachers. But this was only impressive for so long and so the stories had to get more and more ambitious. This culminated in the story written below — which, as you may notice, contains a lot of spelling test words with silent ‘H’s and ‘G’s. However, I have improved as a writer since then, being as I am, a 22 year old English graduate as opposed to a 10 year old child. Thus, I have made a few tweaks here and there to make this an even better story.

Also, the general message of this story has gained a new, unexpected significance in the light of the coronavirus pandemic and so I really felt compelled to share this now. Perhaps it could provide a way for parents to get a few timely messages across to their children, or maybe it will just give you a light-hearted chuckle or two in these troubling times. I hope everybody is staying safe, but remembering to have some fun (at home). Enjoy!

Gnome Comforts — A tale for the quarantine

Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. As I got out of bed this morning, my face felt a lot heavier than usual. A worrying sign, but I thought nothing of it. In a drowsy daze, I tumbled out of bed and bumbled into the bathroom - stumbling as I went. Naturally, I went about my usual routine, brushing my teeth like an unthinking automaton. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw something in the mirror that rebooted my senses and woke me up with a start. Why, there was a humongous wart on my nose — the nastiest, most hideous thing you could imagine! I couldn’t go about my day looking like that — what on Earth would my friends from school think of me? I would simply never live it down. This required action… and fast.

Suddenly, a brainwave hit me. I threw on some jogging bottoms and made sure to pull my hoodie down over my face before heading out to the chemist. I hoped that they could give me a cream or a gel that would help me in this dire situation. Paying no heed to the suspicious glances of passers-by and their not-too-subtle attempts to avoid me by crossing the street when I came near, I confidently stepped into the chemist, knowing that my salvation was in touching distance. Unfortunately, as I pulled back my hood, the woman behind the counter ran out screaming. I took this to mean that the wart had grown a lot bigger and uglier since I had left my house.

Feeling dispirited and more self-conscious than ever, I wondered who could help me now — in my hour of need. In a last ditch attempt to get myself out of this mess, I decided to make my way to the local doctors clinic. But then, before I could take another step, a small figure leapt out from behind a dustbin and slammed into my shoulder.

“Ouch!” I cried, “What on earth are you doing, kid? Can’t you see I’m in a hurry?”

However, as the figure turned to face me, I could see that it was not a child, but a diminutive little gnome with a scraggly white beard. All of a sudden, he burst into song in his nasally, high-pitched voice:

“I am not a boy as you can see,

I am a gnome that lives in a tree.

As for my name you can call me Scooter,

And I’ll make short work of that wart on your hooter!”

What a peculiar rhyme, I thought, but I figured that I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

“How can you help me, Mister Scooter?” I asked.

“Well, I have the secret recipe that will get rid of that unsightly thing on your nose, lickety-split. But, be warned, you may have to face great dangers in order to gather the correct ingredients.” said the gnome.

I was desperate, so my eyes lit up hopefully. “What will I need? I’ll do anything to get back to normal again.”

“Ah, well first you will need a piece of bark from a gnarled old oak tree. This must be collected at midnight, on the night of a full moon. Then, you must gnaw off a piece of a blue whale’s tail (take it without him noticing, mind). After that, you will need to obtain the very tip of a rhino’s horn. You can do this by telling him the funniest joke you know, and when he starts laughing hysterically, snip it off with a pair of nail clippers. Oh yes, I nearly forgot, then you had better run for your life because he may not see the funny side. Next, you will need a large, juicy stick of rhubarb...”

“Hold on,” I inquired, “I didn’t know rhubarb had any magical properties.”

“It doesn’t,” said the gnome, “That’s for me to eat while you’re mixing up the potion.”

Fortunately, mother had everything we needed in the pantry.

The gnome quietly observed, munching on his rhubarb with sugar, as I mashed everything up into an evil-smelling paste. Closing my eyes, I scooped up a big spoonful and swallowed it down. It tasted vile!

“Idiot,” the gnome sighed, “you’re supposed to put it on the wart!”

Heeding his advice, I applied a huge dollop of the stuff to the end of my nose and with immediate effect, the wart vanished into thin air. I whooped for joy, revelling in my victory.

“Thank you, Mister Scooter. How can I ever repay you?” I asked.

“Think nothing of it,” he replied, “I don’t want anything in return. But just remember, next time you have an issue that you can deal with yourself, don’t waste the Doctor’s time, stay at gnome!”

The End.