A Teenage Talk All Teens Should Get

I remember a day, sometime just before I began high school as a freshman. My older cousin had just left, after coming over to see if I was excited to go to the same school as him. He certainly seemed like he was excited for it. We'd grown up to be close, and he acted more like a big brother than a cousin. 

He had told my mom: "Don't worry! I'll introduce her to all my friends!" That wasn't exactly the "comfort" statement he thought it was for my mom since my cousin, though harmless, was a turd. He was troubled and lost, his parents were still active meth-addicts as they had been all his life (by the time they sobered it was a little too late to be a parent to him…) so mom was worried about him. And the friends he might introduce me to. 

(Lucky for her, my cousin actually had decent friends, and they took me in and I was the "baby" of the group… so happy side note there.)

When he left, my mother turned to me- her expression stoic and looked at me for a long time. 

"Let's talk."

"Okay. What I do now?" 

"Nothing. But it's about what could happen. Well. I doubt it would happen because you're a really good kid… it's probably your brother I should worry about when he's older…" - side note she was totally right.

"What are you talking about?" 

"I never worried about it before but you're at that age where… things are changing. And there could be kids who invite you out and then convince you to get drunk. Or high. Or maybe they dare you to sneak out…"

I didn't (and still don't) usually interrupt my mom- but I was offended at this point. 

"MOM. First of all. I'm not into drugs. We live in Merced. And I have SEEN people on drugs and I'm not interested in vacuuming my sidewalk. Second. They can dare me or offer me whatever they want. I'm more scared of you than I'll ever be of anyone else. I'm not sneaking out or getting high - because I don't want you to MURDER ME."

Yes. I really did say this. My mom is not just my mom- but my hilarious best friend and always has been. It was not weird for me to be frank and open with my mother. And it still isn't today. I wish every mom and daughter had our relationship. 

At this point my mother cracks up laughing. Because she knows I'm right. I am an honor roll, goody two shoes, found a porn mag once with a penis on the cover and I went to my mother and cried to her feeling TRAUMATIZED. I was her least worrisome child- but I was also the oldest. 

She knew I wasn't gonna do no damn drugs or sneak out. I wasn't even interested in boys at this point. But as every good mother knows… it's better to have these conversations BEFORE these things start happening. So she raises her hands and starts again.

"Okay. Okay. Well that makes me feel better, knowing you respect me that much."

"Just clarifying it's mostly fear. I respect you… but I'm also scared of you. You're crazy." Again. My mom laughs because I'm grinning at her now, and laughing as I speak.

"ANYWAY, smartass, what I am saying is you're growing up. And I know you- you won't do anything you think is wrong. But when I was growing up it was different. Drug use is a generational thing in our family. And it's natural to be curious about trying new things. I am not against you trying something new - but what I would prefer is…if you want to try smoking weed or getting drunk, you should tell me. I'll get it for you. Whatever you want. But I want you to do whatever it is here, with me. Don't do it alone with just your high school friends that might leave you to stay out of trouble if something happens."

"Mom… I don't know. This is weird right? Wouldn't you be mad if I told you I wanted to try getting drunk?"

"Wrong. I would get mad if you sneakily got drunk behind my back. I would be especially angry if something bad happened to you while you were sneaking off being drunk for the first time and I wasn't aware to keep you safe."

"So.. you want me to try these things?"

"No. I'm not saying I would be happy about you doing these things. But, I can't Be mad if you tell me the truth and let me keep you safe. Growing up is all about learning, trying new things. If you never get curious then I will never have to worry about you. But if you do, I still won't have to worry about you if you are safe with me. Goes for your friends too. If you make friends who want to try something that may not be safe for kids to be doing alone… it'd be better if they did it here instead of in the swings at midnight at the park."

I was convinced this conversation wasn't even needed. But that's why she was the mom at the time, and I was just the kid. 

In my sophomore year, I was invited to sneak to a college party with my friends. There would be booze and boys. 

When I said I wasn't interested, they asked if they could use me as a cover. Tell their parents they were going to my house instead. I got worried. Already, one of my friends and I were victims of sexual assault from childhood. I wasn't interested in either of us having a repeat situation for ourselves, or one of our other friends getting their 'first sexual assault' on my watch.

And in the year I'd been in high school I found out high school boys were unintentionally rape-vibey (they can't help it. Puberty is awful for both sexes). And college dudes who hit on minors really grossed me out (even if they were hot to THINK about - all high school girls fantasize about a college hottie at least once. But… not okay to act on it)I was a sensible kid who had an older boyfriend at the time. I got dumped because I wouldn't put out. I said: 'listen. I could get you in big trouble just for kissing you. I'm not going to risk pissing someone off and they get you arrested just because you're horny.' He said 'we should see other people.' I agreed too. If he was willing to risk his life for sex then I couldn't expect him to take our relationship seriously. "Sensible" 15 year old.

So… when the girls said this, I had a bad feeling. I suggested that instead, they bring the boys and booze to my house instead. 

"Will your mom be gone or something?" 

"No. She'll be there. She'll be the one getting us the booze."

"WHAT? No way!"

"Yeah. My mom has one rule. If I wanna go to a party with boys and booze then I need to be the one throwing the party so she can keep us all safe. From alcohol poisoning and stuff. So. Bring your BOYFRIENDS. I'll invite the others, and bring Ian along so he can help me lift your drunk asses off the floor."

"Seriously? I wish my mom was that cool…"

"I know… I'm so jealous."

"So party or not girls?" 

"Hell yeah!!! But wait will your mom tell ours?"

"Duhhhh! No way! That's why my mom is cool. She knows she's the only cool mom around, so she'll keep it a secret."

"Oh my GOD your mom is AWESOME!"

I ran home after school- busted in on my mom mid-work and said: "Mom. I need help."

I told her what happened, what I said, and apologized profusely, certain she was going to be mad. 

Instead, she nodded and grinned: "I was seriously thinking you were going to rob me of this experience. It wouldn't kill you to be a LITTLE naughty now and then."

"Yes you would."

"No. Seriously, I'm worried about you. Please be a normal kid and break some rules…"

"So we can go to the college party?"

"No. I didn't mean that rule. Stay up past your bedtime. Eat all the cookies in one go. Those rules." - How old am I? 7?

My mom was great. She hosted several drinking parties - and by the time I was a junior, I really wasn't into drinking or partying. The excitement and taboo of it had worn off. And we found out alcohol makes you feel like crap.

But until I graduated high school- the worst party drama I ever experienced was emotional breakdowns from teenagers with teenage problems. And no one ever got hurt, date raped, or drugged. We were safe- and still learning social lessons that teenagers crave to learn. 

My senior year, I got frustrated. Almost everyone I knew had taken to smoking pot. I had a passionate outlook against "drugs," as the 80s and 90s called it. I had seen too much- and most of the things that stuck weren't from weed. 

So I got curious about it. I went to my mom and told her so. I wanted to know what the fuss was all about and WHY everyone was doing it. 

She did get some. She smoked it with me. I greened out (or maybe it was laced, I don't know)- and had an anxiety attack from feeling out of control before passing out. But I was safe. 

My 18th birthday, my cousin peer pressured me into alcohol poisoning that made me stop breathing multiple times after vomiting a gallon of alcohol- mom was there and she knew what to do. I woke up the next morning in clean pajamas with a nice bout of amnesia, and my cousin had a black eye from being punched by mom's husband at the time. I was confused. But I was alive. 

She knew she couldn't beat the fact that I was going to grow up and try new things - with or without her permission. 

And she knew that because when she was that age - that's what she had to do. Grandma wasn't as cool as her. She decided that she would rather give me the option to have her there instead of trying to shame or bully me out of a learning experience. She knew that the only way to truly protect me was to let me be comfortable enough to try these things with her - rather than surrounded by hormonal teenagers who can barely control themselves when they are sober. 

We aren't going to be able to shelter our kids forever. And hostile protection will drive them to danger. 

I know for a fact- that if my mom had been less open and honest with me as a kid - I could have been another statistic. 

Keeping our kids ignorant isn't going to protect them. Banning and tabooing things will NOT stop their curiosity. It will INTENSIFY it.

Some parents are overprotective because they remember how wild they were in their youth. Some of them don't want their kids to be exposed to danger or take the wrong path. Some of them are semi-robots who literally do not know how to relax with their kids.

But haven't you noticed that unless you have abused them into complete obedience- putting a jail cell on certain topics like drugs and sex makes it MORE appealing to young humans with a craving to learn and experience and LIVE?

My mom used to casually talk about sex, joke about it, and even tease me for being such a prude. Sex was not a taboo subject in our house after a certain age - and it kept me from getting curious about it until I was READY to be curious. 

I knew everything about sex as a 15-year-old virgin, and I wasn't interested in the slightest. My siblings turned out very similar, we weren't troubled as teenagers. It was when we grew up and tried to be independent that life fell apart - haha!

I guess what I am saying is that knowledge, communication, and trust are miracles with teenagers. The more you DONT trust your teen, and force them to act like they aren't growing up into humans who have hormonal urges and curiosities about intoxications and sex and other grown-up things… it will lead to acting out. The exact behaviors you're trying to avoid.

Teenagers more than anything want to be acknowledged as a person who is close to being grown up. It's hard for Them to respect someone who treats them like they are stupid little kids.

Because they aren't. They are close to being an adult.

And the best way to protect them- is to acknowledge that and guide them through those experiences. Make them feel safe, respected, and acknowledged. And if that means letting go of your helicopter parenting ways, to establish an adult relationship with your young adult child... then so be it. It's time. They will always be your baby, but they will not remain innocent. It's impossible to force it.

When they hit those complicated years- you're there to be their friend too, not just their parent. Sometimes someone who understands is needed more than parental guidance.

And if you think about it… there are only two options to growing up… they can grow up beside you… or they can grow up without you. 

It's their choice. But it makes it easier to make the better choice when you validate them as human beings who are growing up. It's more comfortable having a parent who isn't still telling you that women fart flowers and babies are delivered by storks at 16 years old. Instead of pretending you've never tried drugs (if you have… mom was honest about this with me, which is one reason why I never felt the need to 'explore' it further), tell them you have.

Show them that you're human and that you had to grow up too. Tell them you've made mistakes. It makes you more relatable… and to a teenager that will grant you more respect than any hostile subjugation ever will. 

They are going to learn one way or another. 

I was glad my mom gave me the option to learn them WITH her at my side, supporting me with honesty, trust, respect and communication.