The problem with being a nice person
it turns out, what we want and what we say we want are worlds apart
Who would have thought that being a nice person could be problematic. The majority of people would tell you that’s what they want to be or at least want those around them to be, but as it turns out, what we want and what we say we want are worlds apart. I won't stress or ramble on about how I would like things to be, but I’ll just analyze why this is, I am not sure either if a solution is even possible.
The issue with being a nice person is that you hold people to the same standard as you hold yourself, which turns out to be very problematic. A nice person expects (legitimately) for others to be nice as well, at least towards him, and so they spend their time putting their heart out there for people who keep stomping on it, again and again, they are nice, but people just end up abusing of their kindness and disappointing them.
The reason people abuse them isn’t necessarily intentional, but mostly so because they aren’t nice persons themselves, even though they’ll rarely admit that. You are a nice person doesn’t imply all the others you interact with are as well, as a matter of fact, they might be just evil, but you don’t know that you don’t know who is who, and you keep reaching out to the wrong persons. There are definitely good people out there who can repay you your kindness, but the vast majority of people unfortunately are not nice persons, and it will take a considerable effort to find such persons.
Simply put, the problem with being nice is that everybody else isn’t. Others aren’t necessarily intentionally bad, they are a product of their environment, which is pretty much evil. There are countries where integrity is an important part of their culture, where being nice is vital, but for most countries, it's just about avoiding breaking the law, and nothing in the law says you can’t lie or be dishonest (at least to a certain extent). When you add to this mix the persistent suffering people face, you end up having evil people all over the place. Being a nice person in this context makes you stand out and also an easy target everybody can leech off of.
Complacency Breeds disrespect
This is a wise saying from people who have experienced it firsthand. To be nice, especially in a general sense will require for you to be complacent at least to a certain extent, you will have to tolerate what everybody does even the things you might not like or agree with and unfortunately this leads you down a destructive path of disrespect. A person who is too nice in a world where strength and power are the highest values is certainly going to breed the opposite, they will be seen as weak and whatever is considered weak is seen as not worth any respect or at least very little respect. It's a matter of perception at the end of the day, the way society looks at things.
Overburden by responsibilities
Being too nice often times means people get to see us as a free tool they can use whenever they want, they know a nice person will rarely say no, so they see that as a free resource they can use without spending a dime. Whether it's to provide a service for them or to request a favor from, they are ready to exploit this resource best they can. Once everybody you know starts thinking this way then you end up overburden by all these responsibilities which is simply unsustainable.
What you attract
You’d think a nice person would certainly attract other nice people to himself, but it's quite the contrary, a nice person rather attracts narcissists and manipulators, people who have no morals about using others and manipulating them however they see fit. Such people enjoy when others are at their service and so what better than a nice person ready to do all your wishes, that's really hard to come by and so once they find someone like that, it's very difficult for them to let go. In the end, the nice person finds himself surrounded by the worst kinds of persons who are ready to take advantage of him, and he is too nice to say no.
Conclusion
Would I say the solution is for you not to be a nice person? Absolutely not, the world is already evil enough as it is already, it's important to reduce that but being abused by others isn’t something we should accept. There are means we can put in place to avoid being abused and exploited. It's essential we maintain healthy relationships with our peers while retaining who we are and not letting a corrupt society change us for the worst.
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It's nearly one AM and I just got back from my third wedding of the four in this last month alone, and I have always been alone. I hide behind my camera to pretend to be useful, hide behind a safety net of skill set. So I do not have to confront the loneliness that is sleeping alone when everyone else seems to have a partner to crawl into bed with. I love the time spent with those who decided I was worth the 30-plus dollars per plate they decided to spend on me, and I do not need to have a partner on these occasions, but it would be nice to have someone notice, me. See when I am in the corner because they know I need time to recharge and to kiss me on the head until the time has come to leave. Maybe that's the problem about being a professional storyteller, I dream of something that isn't meant for me.
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Comments (12)
Congrats on Top Story! :)
So true. I have always assumed people who are outwardly "nice" would be kind also. Let's just say it has been a repetitive lesson in my life. Well presented piece.
Very well said…. I am thankfully older and wiser now, but understanding these points was a slow and painful process for me. When you have such goodness in your heart, it truly is hard to comprehend those who do not. If anyone wants a page turning read on just how awful life can become when you don’t know this or how to guard yourself - check out my my last article - this is exactly what my book is about. (It just went live on Amazon today and I’m a little too excited! I hope this doesn’t read as spam, it’s just genuinely so connected to the theme of my book that I felt I should mention it!!)
Great points! Kindness is essential, but setting boundaries is key. Let's stay kind and find people who truly appreciate it.
Very sage advice. Well written.
Being nice is hard, indeed. Especially when you're always trying to look bad to protect your feeling, but people around doesn't seems to be tired of pushing your button. Thank you for the assurance.
https://vocal.media/fiction/love-my-mystery-queen
This is such a beautifully written piece. It definitely gave me clarity
Very sad but true, people will often take advantage of others’ kindness without even a second thought. Very thought provoking piece!
Very true. A sad reality of the world is that there are people who aren't nice, and they do a very good job of taking advantage of nice people, who often naively think everyone is nice. One good example was when I worked in Madison, which overall is a nice place, but they tend to be naive. It was proposed that they plant fruit trees along the walking paths and in all the public parks in the city, and that these trees would feed anyone who wanted free fruit, most notably homeless people or families and students on a tight budget. There was wide support for this proposal, until it was pointed out that: 1. Fruit trees attract bees and wasps, which pollinate the trees, but are also going to be dangerous to the people who want to walk there, or pick the fruit. Enough bees would be around these trees in summer that walking paths would be unusable. 2. To the point of this piece, if the fruit was free to everyone, nothing would keep local entrepreneurs from just picking as much fruit as they could and reselling it. The proposal failed, and supporters commented, "People suck." Yes. Your point about other cultures is also very true. Due to that fact, billions are made every year by telephone and computer scammers in one part of the world targeting people in other parts of the world, thinking their actions are justified because if they were smarter, they wouldn't fall victim to the scams.
Kindness is never obsolete when it is established as a principle of life and behavior. Kindness does not mean weakness or submission but rather goodness and generosity. Accompanied by deep self-respect and situational courage, kindness can only be beneficial and appreciated when shared with those who make good use of it and know how to value it. Therefore, be kind to people who know how to be kind and make good use of it, and be firm and direct with those who do not know how to appreciate or benefit from it.
It’s always important to be careful who you talk to when you’re too nice, because people will take advantage of your kindness. I know this too often. It’s so hurtful but you got to be assertive with your boundaries and not let others step on you. Great points here!