The ‘Black Dog’

We had reached Saturday am , failing to take my anti depressants on the evening before I woke with a killer headache and felt as rough as a badgers backside. I climbed over a sleeping baby a coffee table barricade and wall of pillows to follow my morning ritual of a black coffee and a roll up in the garden to start my day.

couldn’t however shift the black dog , that worthless feeling of ‘being down’ and feeling numb. I hated myself for this , you see the sun was shining , I had four beautiful babies all still sleeping . The birds were singing their morning song I had a lot to be happy and thankful for , I just couldn’t shift my mood. The mood that had so kindly being sprung on me the day before. I had copied the email thread of abuse and unkind messages to the dad of my big two . I needed some clarification incase it was me .

Depression gets you thinking all sorts you see , it makes you think that everything your doing is wrong , that your pretty worthless and a bit of a sorry state. The thing is living with a narcissist also does that to you.

Although I’d got rid of mine we still had to however have communication in regards to the two little ones. I was just thankful for the support of the children’s social worker. Granted at times they have been pretty useless but finally she was starting to show her worth. Anyway back to my shitty weekend , I’ll explain the involvement of the local authority in another post as it’s too long to waffle on about in this one.

Saturday could have came and gone in the blink of an eye for all I cared, I spent it cuddled up on the sofa with the three boys watching films , dozing on and off and making sure I did my mummy duty of feeding and watering them in between.

I had failed at getting any of us dressed still in the eve before’s pjs. I couldn’t even bring myself to shower let alone do my make up or change my clothes. I was festering in the T-shirt I had put on Friday am when I had got ready and felt marginally normal. I did however remember to to take my medication that I’d missed from falling asleep downstairs, so a tiny victory was had as I need this to function. S had her friend over and was busy doing her own thing , endless til tok videos no doubt. They then came down and asked me if they could cook tea and could her friend stay for a sleepover . The voice inside me thought result !! I have zero energy on a dip I lack any kind of enthusiasm and I feel tired , oh so tired. It’s that feeling like I could sleep for a week. Letting S and her friend cook meant I had got out of doing it and at the same time I knew we were all still going to be fed.

They made a pretty delicious ‘spaghetti bol’ , from scratch no jars of pasta sauce in sight. I did think to myself I’m teaching her well , at the same time of having pangs of guilt for her seeing me like this again and her having to step into the caring role. She’s only 11 you see and as much as she loves looking after her brothers and me when it’s needed , she’s still only a child herself and that’s my job to care and look after them. F you depression , and what you do to my little family. I was really thankful to the girls for cooking. They sat down with the boys and i after and we watched another film on Netflix, the newer version of Annie. Yep safe to say I nodded off again for 40 winks.

I had woke feeling a little more energetic , my anti D’s had obviously kicked in. I made F’s bottle and got him settled in his cot for the night. I managed to freshen up little A and big A get them in new pyjamas and into their beds. A small task I know but a huge achievement when all you want to do is do nothing . I returned downstairs planning on doing the dishes and getting the kitchen in order when I checked my phone.......

I received a message from the dad of my big two. I had tears rolling down my cheeks reading it , happy tears may I add and tears of relief and joy. It wasn’t me , he could see it too from having read all the emails back and forth he could see the shit and abuse I was getting!! That’s when something clicked and it was like a switch had been flicked. I read it over a few times so it really sank in. Just knowing and having the support of S and Big A’s dad gave me that kick up the butt I had needed . I had needed it so bad , just some reassurance that I was in fact doing my best and that at the end of it all I am a good mum. We are so quick to doubt ourselves even more so when in a depressive state of mind. I replied thanking him for his kind words and thanking him for always being there to offer words of wisdom , bail me out or pick up the pieces along the way.

Switch flicked, I made myself a coffee had a quick roll up and smashed the task of dishes and cleaning the kitchen. I even managed to have myself a bath, wash my hair and started reading a new book. I figured if I get lost in a story it will keep my mind on that and not reverting to the thoughts of the shitty emails. All boys asleep I laid in bed listening to Sofia and her friend giggling away and before I knew it I was off to sleep myself.