It's 2021, I'm 30, and I'm still into the bad-boy romance novel redemption arc.

This might seem like an odd thing to "confess". But it's a confession nonetheless. A dirty little secret I keep to myself.

I know I'm not the only one. Because these books are being published on mass and there are SO many chapter by chapter novel apps for this exact niche. It's romanticised in TV shows and film and runs heavily through traditional theatre.

It's the same theme every time. Bad boy meets good girl, bad boy mistreats good girl, good girl forgives bad boy, bad boy redeems himself and becomes a good boy. Tale as old as freakin' time.

In retrospect, Disney is undoubtedly directly responsible for my first exposure to the concept. Give me all the Stockholm syndrome facts, and I'm still shipping Belle & Beast.

In fact, I could list almost every bad boy I've shipped over the good guy in every book, tv show and movie I've loved since I was old enough to develop a crush.

It'd designed that way, obviously. Because our heroine inevitably takes the same path.

And honestly, I can't get enough. These books, in particular, draw me in and have me hooked—usually the supernatural ones, werewolf or vampire fiction. I think somewhere in my deluded mind, I convince myself it's less problematic because the men in these stories aren't actually human.

Or, if they're human, they're given the 'troubled past, I was never taught how to love, I just need someone to show me how, please forgive my abuse' narrative.

I'm putting my own thoughts down on paper now and asking myself what in the world is wrong with me? Why am I encouraging the continuation of this damaging storyline?

If some guy was treating one of my friends even marginally as bad as the men in these books treat women, I would be insisting she throw the whole man in the bin and never look back!

What is so appealing about a man that we believe needs fixing? What is it within ourselves that craves a project? Do women fall into awful relationships because they are legitimately convinced every asshole is secretly Christian Grey just waiting for the right girl to "save them"?

How many guys have I dismissed because they are "too nice" in favour of the guy who is barely giving me the time of day?

How many times have I compromised my self worth in order to mould myself into what I think these men "need" to redeem themselves into the ever-promised devoted life-mate?

We are led to believe that these women of fiction who forgive this terrible behaviour are strong. Because they endured, they persevered, they forgave, they fixed what was broken...

It surrounds us.

I know, fundamentally, that it's not ok. And tell myself, if it were I in that position that I would have walked away. But it's not real life. It's fiction. How damaging can it be? I'm morally opposed yet enamoured all at once. Just like the women in these books are with their men, I realise.

Would I walk away? Would I have the strength I tell myself I have? Would I be different?

My resolve is wavering now. I admit I'm not sure. If I was in the thick of it would I be trapped too? Convincing myself that I'm strong because I endure, I persevere, I forgive... Fixing comes next. It's just around the corner.

Or is it that I'm lucky enough to be in a committed relationship with a man who doesn't treat me this way, so I can play off my curiosity as just that?

It's a fantasy for me. Fiction, read the way it is intended. Appreciated as such. But does that excuse the fact that I know that this is some people's reality? Absolutely not, and I feel guilty as hell about it.

But I think the worst part about this entire confession is...

I really don't think I have any intention of ditching the habit.