Death

I think about death often and always. Sometimes I see it as a blessing and other times I see it as a curse. I find myself thinking about it differently every day.

One day I’ll think of death like a timid Summer breeze and I’ll feel the soft Summer sun on my skin. I’ll imagine it’s like the Grim Reaper holding out his hand to me to guide me away. Death comes for everyone, it’s inevitable we all must experience it. This causes me to feel calm and safe and not at all worried that one day I shall die.

Then the next I will be scared of the future and think that I am wasting away. These are the days I’ll see death as a horrible, inescapable fear. Like a hurricane. You can run with all your might and strength but you won’t be able to avoid the flying rocks that are pounding down at you from above. And just as you’re about to die the entire sky turns black as you’re dragged away by death, no matter how much you kick and scream to get away.

Death can be described as many things in my mind. A lazy, shallow river flowing against the rocks, the water lapping over my feet and wetting the rocks by the shore. I can feel myself wanting to walk into the deeper waters and soaking myself fully. Completely at ease that this is the natural way the world works.

Then there are days I would describe death as a dam that is about to overflow and break. I imagine it with fear as I rush to get away from the danger I can’t escape. My legs are pumping underneath me as fast as I can move and yet the water still forces its way over my head and drags me into the swirling pressure of deaths’ claws.

There are days I know that I’ll never escape and I’m happy about it. I spend these days enjoying my life while I have it. Surrounding myself in beautiful things such as full bookcases and friends, my family and pretty dresses. I think of all of the possibilities, all the places I can go and I’m happy to have time here to do what I want.

But the days that are the opposite, where I feel like I’m already one foot in the door, are bad oh so bad. I’ll be stuck in my house thinking of every second I’ve wasted, all the things I should be doing but I’m not because my mind isn’t focusing on what's important.

With the New Year having come these worries affect me more as January ticks on and I realise we are one week, two weeks, three weeks into the New Year and I haven’t done anything at all. I have a lot of plans for this year and yet they seem so far and so unreachable. My life changed completely in the last year and I want to be grateful that I have everything that I do.

Not all change is good but the change I experienced in 2023 made me a happier, healthier person and I am scared because I want to keep on getting the good parts out of life.

I found a man that makes me feel like I am special even when I don’t think I am. He pushes me to try and get out of my comfort zones even when I don’t feel capable. He does so much without saying it explicitly with his words. But his motivation to do those things for himself makes me feel capable to do the same.

My friends don’t shame me for being happy at long last, they just want me to be my unique self and thrive. I had so many years clouded by dark clouds where I could never find myself out. And despite my friends still being haunted by the darkness I will always be there waiting to grab onto them and drag them out, just as they were for me.

So for 2024 I inspire to be everything I can be and more if possible but without the stressful ideologies I put upon myself last year. Not faking being happy means that right now, in this current moment, I don’t fear death as he looks to be very far away.