All Corked Up

Long ago, in a time where all innocence revolves around the world. A time that is filled with fun, games and simplicity. A time when my brain was naïve. IT happened.

Let us begin with a lovely scene around the dinner table. A beautiful family and a homemade meal that Mother made. Father and children are thoroughly enjoying it while making light conversation. The children have a cool, refreshing glass of milk while Father and Mother are drinking a well-deserved glass of wine. All is well. Or at least that’s how it seems to be until one of the children (that would be me) gets a sudden urge. An urge that something is brewing! That is correct, I needed to do the big number two.

Off to the throne I went, squeezing my little cheeks together as I ran! I do the prep work, sit my royal rear down and am ready. But what’s this? Nothing is happening? Things feel…stuck. What a nightmare! I call out to my Dad! “Dad! I’m having trouble pooping!” Yes, even though I was probably about six years old I still remember those embarrassing words quite clearly.

Dad comes over, trying to hold back his laughter. And me being that innocent, shameless kind of child, bend over and ask Father to look to ensure that everything is okay. For I was extremely worried you know!

Dad takes a peak and says, “Well here is the problem. You had a cork stuck up your bum!” And there it was! As he stood back up he reveals a wine cork sitting in his hand, evidence of the obstruction! And I, being the foolish child that I was, believed him.

“A cork?” I said with confusion, “How did it get stuck there?”

Dad, no longer able to contain his laughter, continues with the prank by stating, “I don’t know, somehow it got stuck up there. But you should be all good now.”

I don’t remember if I finished my business, I don’t remember anything else that happened that evening. I only remember believing every word my Father said. Never wondering if it was a hoax.

And so, you may think this is where the embarrassment ends? Well you are wrong! It continues for years after. For me being the unwise child, thought I had conducted a magic trick my pushing out a cork from my rectum! And was pretty proud of it too. As the years went on I shared the story with more and more friends, thinking it was quite impressive. Not realizing how regrettable this decision would be in the future.

I believe it wasn’t until the age of nine years, when I asked my Father about the incident again. Having brought it up to him multiple times before as a fond memory, enjoying how he would laugh at it every time. I guess I thought that he was laughing because he too, found it to be an impressive stunt. But I was wrong. As I was saying, when I was at this knowledgeable age of nine years, science and reality were starting to infiltrate my brain, increasing my understanding of health and physics.

I asked Dad again, “Dad, did I really have a cork stuck up my bum when I was younger?”

He laughed (of course) and said, “Yes.”

So I thought. And I thought. Until I realized! There is no way I could have had something like this device stuck up there unless I had eaten it! And I know I did not eat a cork that night. Mom would have never allowed it! I shared this with Father and he bellowed out a loud, boisterous laugh and finally admitted to his sin. “Yes, you are right. There is no way a cork could get stuck up your bum. I just brought it with me to the bathroom as a joke. You were probably just constipated that night.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?!?” I screamed. I was horrified and could not believe I had been so gullible. Then, I realized how many poor souls I shared the tragic tale with. How it will haunt me forever and ever. And here I sit at my keyboard, sharing this horrific memory with you, the world, hoping that it will give me some kind of closure. My embarrassing story of being all corked up.

Photo is from https://www.dannyswineandbeer.com/products/9-long-dwb-cork-90-bag