Bridge Over Troubled Water

At 29, you'd think I would have felt an overabundance of emotion by now. But, I haven’t. Each day, I maneuvered mechanically neither awake nor sleep. My life has been one dimensional and gray. It's been lukewarm. And it's essence has completely passed me by. My name is Gabriel. And this is my story.

Raised by parents who are also lukewarm, I was taught to do what was expected. We talked the way we were supposed to talk. We dressed how we were meant to dress. We felt…. well, I don’t know. We didn’t do much of that. But we followed the status quo. And if my parents could, they would have even had 2.5 children.

In my life, in the movies I’ve seen; in books I’ve read; and even in my profession, journalism; I’ve witnessed raw emotion. I’ve even seen it randomly on the streets, like the one I’m walking on right now. I’ve seen lovers hold hands, children skip with glee, and strangers lovingly aid elders across the street and to their car. I’ve seen doors held open by chivalry. I’ve watched as horny construction workers catcall anxious innocents. I’ve been the bystander as desperation picks pockets. I’ve looked on as sadness is quelled by hugs. I’ve turned a blind eye to hopelessness hiding in drugs. I’ve watched as anger fights outside of bars at night and sometimes during a lunch break on a Thursday. I’ve seen pleasure mask lust and masquerade as love. I’ve seen peace praying for the needy. I’ve watched ignorance evade truth. Obstinance never fails to ignore open windows and screams at brick walls. And while life shines light on cracks in streets and in between buildings, death lurks in the shadows. I’ve seen it all. Trust me; I live in New York City. However I’ve never felt it, but not for a lack of trying. I’ve tried. At least, I think I have.

I walk into my apartment and shut the door. Kicking off my shoes,I walk into the kitchen to grab a water bottle off the counter and chuckle. Even my water is room temperature, because “it’s better for you”. On my way to the bathroom, to run a bath, I walk through the living room to turn on my record player. In all the things that I’ve seen, nothing has made me truly see like music has. Before I’d truly embraced music, I’d always thought of it as simply noise and distraction. Yet through lyric and melody I’ve realized just how bland my life has been.

When I truly heard for the first time, my cravings began. Harmony made me reach for things I’d never dreamed of. My curiosity peaked and I began to search for life around me. I observed. I witnessed life in full swing. But I soon found it wasn’t enough. I needed to know life first hand. And so I reached out into the world. At first, I found indifference. Then reached again and found anger. I reached again and found sorrow. I reached again, this time flailing my arms, willing to grasp at anything that didn’t make me feel worse than if I felt nothing at all. I was hit in the face with scornful envy. I was jealous. Was I looking for life in the wrong places? What was I really searching for?

As the music plays I enter the bathroom, outside my room. I run a warm bath. While the water fills, I walk into my room. I shed my clothing. It doesn’t make me feel any better. With the window open, there is a chill in the air. And the wind whistles against my room’s bare walls.

On my bed, my cat is resting. He’s the only sign of life in here. I look at him and run my hands through my hair and sigh. I leave the bedroom door open and I go into the bathroom. I shut the door which must’ve woken him because now he’s scratching at the wood of the door begging to be let in. I ignore him and enter the tub. I sink into the water up to my ears. Under the water, sound is distorted. It's virtually gone except for echo of the water moving around me. I breathe. I’ve never experienced something more than I’d want to breathe before, have I? Now, I don’t even want to do that. I scoff and sink into the water.

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Darkness. I move my arms and legs. This is not my tub anymore. I open my eyes and see the same startling void I saw with them closed. The temperature of the water is rising. I panic. My eyes flutter open and closed. And I scream as water floods my lungs. I struggle against helplessness. I choke. And I drown.

Again I wake in darkness surrounded by boiling waters. I writhe in agony and scream a muffled cry. My cries are washed away in the water. And again, I die. I die, again and again. And again. And with every time I die, there is one thing that plagues me before it’s all taken away.

I want to live.

And then, I die.

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In the sandy clouds of eternity, I walk and remember my children. Here I can see them all. I can hear them all. And I can love them all– every single one of them whether they love me back or not. Imagine that. I chuckle.

When they call, I answer. They don’t alway like what I have to say. But I’ll say it anyway. I tell them what, someday, I hope they’ll understand. All of them won’t, but some will. Yet, I’ll always try. And I’ll always be there for them, every step of the way.

When I feel their delight, I laugh with them. In their despair, I cry with them. I feel their anger. And I get angry too. When they’re driven and determined, I fight for them. In their sadness, I feel their sorrow. Their pain– my pierced hands shake as I remember –is mine as well.

In an instant, I hear one of my children in need.

Gabriel.

I pick up my pace as I remember what happens today.

“Gabriel!” I yell. He’s in the darkness. “Gabriel!” My voice booms like thunder, with the force of a hurricane. I run. I run harder than needed. I know I will make it in time. I know he’ll make it. But that doesn’t slow me down. I sprint faster than a lightning strike. Tears fall and fly in the gusts of wind in my wake. My pulse rages and the earthquakes. The rasp in my cry is unmistakable as I dive into the depths of darkness to reach my son.

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Somewhere in between life and death, from beneath, a blazing light races towards me. It catches me, it cradles me in its arms. It whispers “close your eyes”.

I obey and feel a forehead against mine. As my eyes close, they open. And I’m on a peaceful shore. Surrounded by sandy clouds, I gaze in awe. “Isn’t it beautiful?” The voice speaks from my side. For some reason, I don’t try to see who the voice belongs to. I know. “But this is not for you yet, my son. Though it is yours. I brought you home for a moment to talk to you. I hope you hear me.

You were living each day like they were one in the same. But in fact with each rise of the sun, a new day is resurrected, Gabriel. Life in ambivalence is like breathing without oxygen. Isn’t it? Every morning you have a chance to fail, to succeed, to fall, to jump, to run, to walk. But it passes you by the way you were. Did it feel like death walking in your shoes rather than life flowing through and around you?

Those people who you see living their lives are not smiling because they don’t see hate around them. They are not hateful because they have never known love. They are not loving because hate turns away from them. They are not strong because everyone around them is weak. They do not sing simply because there is silence. There is a time for everything. And in everything, every emotion, every moment, there is something to cherish or something to learn from. If there was no good, would anything be considered bad? If there was no sadness, would there be joy? If there was no darkness, what would be a purpose for the sun’s light? These are all questions I’m curious to see how you answer.

Return and be like the sun, new each day. Experience what life in you feels like. You’re the only one who can experience it through your eyes, with your hands, and with your feet. And then tell the world of what you see, with a new lens. Speak for those who can’t, or won’t. Speak to those who don’t know they’re ready to listen. And when you need me, call. Whether the call is silent or with an earth shattering cry I’ll hear it. I will be there for you. I will be there with you every step of the way. In your fear, your unease, and pain reach for me. Whisper to me, in your prayers. In your joys, smile to me. I may not always answer in the ways that you imagine. But I will answer. And you will know it is me. I will always find you. I will always grab your hand and hold fast. I will never let go.You, my son, are never alone. ”

Assuaged by his words, like the sweetest lullaby, my eyes closed. And I was back in the bottomless waters in his arms. His swimming began to slow. He pushed me to the surface.

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I was returning to my apartment as Mikey, my neighbor Gabriel’s cat, dashed out of his apartment. It ran past me to my door and cried. I moved towards it. But as I bent down, it ran back into the open door. For some reason I knew it wanted me to follow. Inside, I found him scratching on the bathroom door. What was going on? I opened the door. The scene before me forced into action. I pulled Gabriel out of the hot water and called 911. They were on speaker as I started CPR. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it. I had never had to . But I was able to bring Gabe back before the EMTs arrived. He was breathing but in and out of consciousness. As they took him to the hospital, they thanked me for saving him. I didn’t know what to say. It was like I watched the whole thing happen. It was almost like someone else was using my body. I just gave them the reins. I couldn’t even tell you how I moved Gabriel. He is twice my size. I shook my head and reached for Gabriel’s cat. I'll take care of him until Gabe returns.

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As I gain consciousness, I wiggle my fingers and toes. But I don't dare open my eyes. What lies ahead of me when they open is too intimidating. I listen. Beeps and voices move through halls. Wheels glide across hard floors. I hide in these sounds. But my anxiety doesn’t lessen. As my pulse races and sweat pools on my brow and back, I feel a warmth fill my hand. And a weightless embrace covers me. My eyes burst open! He’s here!

Dancing on the stark white walls of the hospital room an array of neon colors play in the sun's rays through the window’s glass. Birds sing and fly outside. Green trees bristle in the wind. And children pick flowers in the garden as they are watched by their loved ones. In the distance, cars honk. Laughter fills my ears. Moans of sorrow melt my heart. Cries of new life well tears in my eyes. Life is welcoming me back!

As the well of tears overflows, breath catches in my throat. The need to cry out overtakes me. And I pull my knees to my chest. I bury my head in my hands and I wail. I let my gratitude pour out of me like a wild rain, so hard that my shoulders shake. Suddenly, a warm caress grips them tight. Beside me, he cries.

I’m loved.

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*Close your eyes and see the story while listening to this song.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with suicidal thoughts please reach out to 988, a suicide and crisis lifeline.