From Gaslighting to Kindness

Gaslighting myself had become second nature. For as long as I can remember, I have been my worst critic, constantly questioning my worth and belittling my accomplishments. I never thought that I was allowed to be kinder to myself. Somehow, I believed self-compassion was a luxury reserved for others, not me.

I trace this pattern back to my first serious relationship, which began at a young age. Looking back, I realise I wasn't thriving; I was merely surviving. My partner, though I didn't fully comprehend it at the time, wielded their words like weapons, chipping away at my self-esteem with every belittling remark.

Their criticisms were subtle at first, disguised as jokes or playful teasing. But over time, those remarks morphed into something more insidious, eroding my confidence and sense of self-worth. I began to internalise their words, to believe that I was indeed as flawed and unworthy as they made me out to be.

The relationship became a ground where my self-esteem was the casualty. I constantly sought their approval, desperate for validation that never seemed to come. I twisted into knots, contorting my personality and preferences to fit their ever-shifting expectations.

I became hyperaware of every flaw and imperfection, convinced that they were apparent to everyone around me. I felt like an imposter in my own life, constantly waiting for someone to expose me as a fraud. I was what you would say, living unauthentically, a fraudster, fake; I felt like an empty shell.

And yet, despite the toxicity of the relationship, I couldn't bring myself to leave. I was trapped in a cycle of hope and despair, clinging to the fleeting moments of affection like a lifeline in a stormy sea. I kept telling myself that I wasn't worthy of kindness and love.

It wasn't until years later, after the relationship had ended and I had some distance from the situation, that I was able to see it for what it indeed was: emotionally abusive. I realised that I had been gaslighting myself, convincing myself that I deserved the treatment I was receiving. When you're in that situation, it can be challenging to leave. You become a prisoner in your relationship; when you are belittled for so long, you genuinely believe that the treatment you receive is the one you deserve.

Recognising the problem was just the first step. Learning to treat myself with the same kindness and compassion I offer others was a radical notion that initially felt uncomfortable.

"Is it okay to be more compassionate towards myself when I make a mistake? Can I step back and acknowledge that I'm doing my best? Is that the only thing that matters? Am I not a failure just because I've experienced a setback?"

These thoughts felt unfamiliar to me.

I began by increasing my self-awareness, paying attention to my speech and challenging negative thoughts as they arose. I practised mindfulness, observing my thoughts and feelings without judgment or attachment.

Words of affirmation were my lifeline, constant reminders that I was worthy of love and kindness just as I was. I surrounded myself with people who uplifted me, celebrated my successes, and supported me through my struggles.

Gradually, I started rebuilding my self-esteem, one kind word at a time. I learned to trust my instincts, set limits, and prioritise my well-being.

Self-compassion has always been difficult for me, and it still is to this day. However, I am committed to working on it every single day. Every small step I take toward self-compassion brings me closer to becoming the person I was meant to be—someone deserving of love, kindness, and compassion, especially from myself.